Hi Baddies,
I don’t believe in ‘Not Giving a F*ck.’
Some F*cks are good and I want to give them. For example, I don’t give a Fck about football, I don’t give a Fck about the Kardashians, I don’t give a F*ck about what some people think of me - but I do give a F*ck about what other people think of me.
For example - I give a F*ck about what Kaye Waterhouse thinks of me as teacher for her studio, Vital Beat Yoga, and I try my best to deliver quality classes and create a great community vibe.
I have willingly allocated Kaye, and Vital Beat, some of my F*cks.
In my mind, Fcks are like currency. I think about my Fcks like I think about my money in my bank account:
How many F*cks do I have in my account?
What are my F*ck outgoings this month?
Have I allocated all of my Fcks or do I have some spare Fck change for something else?
Are my Fcks overdrawn? Where can I pull a Fck from next month to balace my F*cks account?
Do I know I have to save up some extra Fcks for something, like Christmas or a wedding? Where can I be a bit more Fck Frugal?
So as you can see, my F*cks are currency.
F*cks = Time, Energy and Money
When you consider your F*cks as time, energy and money - you can better consider how many you have to give, and how many you’re willing to give.
I read a few books on this topic a few years back and they opened my eyes to this concept- my two favourites are:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson
The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck - Sarah Knight
Okay.. But what does this have to do with feminism and my credit card?
I learned about this concept of Financial Feminism through an amazing woman called Tori Dunlap whilst I was browsing for a new podcast. There is no equality until there is financial equality and this all comes down to education.. unfortunately in a patriarchal society, women are less exposed to financial education because it’s a very ‘Finance Bro’ dominated world.Tori is doing amazing thing for women’s finances Listen to her podcast here
“We know that the best way to smash the patriarchy is through financial power..”- Tori Dunlap
Tori made some great points about financial inequality - beyond the wage gap. Women are less likely than men to have exposure to education around financial literacy, women tend to have more ‘bad’ more debt than men, women are less likely to invest, less likely to ask for a raise, less likely to apply for positions they feel they aren’t wholly qualified for, less likely to ask for promotions, less likely to negotiate contracts and bills. Women are more likely to be victims of financial abuse which can make it really difficult to leave unsafe relationships. I’m not here to educate you about feminism, and Tori explains it better than me, but basically - all of this financial inequality is a product of the patriarchy and our misogynistic culture.
From her website,
"Our mission: We fight financial inequality by giving you actionable resources to better your money so you can learn how to negotiate salary, pay off debt, build savings and invest. Why? We believe a financial education is a woman’t best for of protest.”
Okay this F*cking SPEAKS to me.
So I basically listened to her podcast, followed her on Instagram and changed my whole life.
Back to F*cks
I use meditation to help me clarify and organise my thoughts, and to be more discerning and present in my actions. I am constantly asking myself Why? and Is this my thought, my desire, or does this belong to someone else? This has really helped me with my people pleasing tendencies.. but that is a LONG road to recovery. You see, I have a great combination of Catholic Guilt, being a daughter of 2 diagnosable narcissists, mixed with ADHD that has made me into a PERFECT people pleasing machine. I have spent my whole life masking who I am, and mirroring people’s personality back to them so that they will like me, as a safety mechanism and trauma response. Most of this is unconscious. Unmasking means that I a being myself as often as I can - and lots of people don’t like that, because it isn’t Neurotypical. Let’s normalise Neurodiversity! Masking is exhausting.
After a life lived that didn’t belong to me, I cannot tell you anything about myself. I don’t know what my favourite food is, or band, or book or hobby - because I don’t even know what is truth and what is a fabricated personality I made up as a trauma response. But I’m working on it. I can tell you that I really like the colour Chartreuse!
This has made it hard to say NO. I have been in F*ck Debt for a long time. Remember- Fcks are time, money and energy - I have WASTED so much time, money and energy on things I should not have given a single Fck about.
Here are some Fcks I have chosen not to give this year in order to save enough money to pay off my only credit card, to start investing, and to save 20% of my income. Some of you may find this savage, but your Fcks are yours to spend however you like, you don’t have to spend them like me.
0 F*cks about people’s birthday gifts. I used to give THE MOST Fcks to this. I have so many people in my life that I care deeply about, which is Fcking expensive. I low key took a year off buying people really thoughtful and expensive gifts because I am secure enough in my friendship with them that I know that the love won’t dry up if I miss a birthday or two. I opted for kind words of affirmation and quality time. No gifts.
0 F*cks about dressing for my corporate job in corporate gear. I negotiated with my employer before I was hired and specified that I would be wearing activewear and no makeup because what I am wearing has absolutely nothing to do with my job. This one time I ordered $900 worth of office appropriate clothing and hardly anything fit right and it made me look weird and they were uncomfortable. I didn’t return anything because.. ADHD. This was a lesson. I thought I needed to give a F*ck but I did not. I have worked in the the office in my activewear for 14 months and no one has died.
0 F*cks about taking sick leave or calling in sick for work or for my classes when I’m sick. I’m sick. I get sick leave. No guilt required. Also I’m a contractor. If I am sick, I cannot teach a class because I am sick. We are in a global pandemic. I am a contractor. This is not my problem.
0 F*cks about taking on extra work that I don’t feel like taking on. I used to take so many class covers that I didn’t wan’t to take because I felt bad because I was available to teach. I felt it was my personal responsibility. It’s not. I have wasted so much time and energy (which are F*cks) bending over backwards for people that absolutely would not piss on me if I was on fire. This is especially true for a studio I used to work at. I will never get that time back, those years back - the sleepless nights, the unpaid labour, the overtime, the time spent putting in extra effort that went unappreciated and unnoticed for the most part, the stress, the energy exchange of having a personal sense of responsibility to the students and teachers and business owners there, the unpaid mentoring, the time and energy spent listening to students complain and give feedback and tell me about their opinion on my weight problems, the teacher trainings I worked tirelessly on at a LOSS of money due to all the classes I had to get covered… I wasn’t really asked to do much of this extra stuff, I thought I was making myself a more valuable employee. I wasn’t an employee. I was a contractor. They took my keys off me in one swift half hour meeting, with no notice, no goodbye, no followup, no aftercare, no answers and no exit interview, no ‘last class’ for all the students I had connected deeply with. I still have nightmares about this absolute waste of my life.
You are replaceable. You are not special. Take a sick day. Staff shortages are not your problem. Put your needs first and only take on extra work that you have the capacity to take on.
Less F*cks about being on time for everything. There are people who find lateness really rude and feel that if someone is late it means that they don’t value their time. I try to be on time for 1:1 social engagements, and I always give ETA and lots of notice to my friends when I am going to be later than anticipated. (ADHD Time Blindness is different.. that is unconscious).
But hear me out - I’m talking 10-15 minutes late, not 30-40 minutes late.
If I am 10-15 minutes late to work, it might be because I decided to eat breakfast, make a coffee at home, and pack a lunch. It may be because I chose to meditate, walk the dog, or work out. I may just be running overtime on my personal schedule.
Continue to hear me out on this one.
I am always saying to my roommate “I have to be there at 9, so I’ll leave at 9.” She always laughs at me because I am ridiculous. But I follow it up by saying, “My work can have me on time, with dirty hair, unfed, uncaffeinated, unwatered, unexercised, unmeditated and therefore unproductive - and I will take breaks to buy coffees, go for walks, meditate at my desk, and take lunch breaks. My work can have me come 15 minutes late, clean, fed, watered, exercised, meditated, caffeinated, with a packed lunch - and I’ll be happy and productive at my desk all day.”
But why not wake up half an hour earlier?
Because I work at night too and I get home and go to bed as early as I can to get 7-8 hours of sleep. If I wake up earlier, I am cutting into my sleep hours. Sleep is the most important thing for brain function, so again - they can have me on time and unproductive, or they can have me a little bit late and very productive.And you know what else this helps? My wallet.
If I am unslept, I have sugar cravings for that 3pm pick me up, let’s say that’s $5
If I have coffee out at a cafe (usually 2-3 per day) it’s approx $4 per coffeeIf buy lunch, it’s always healthy so I’m paying between $16-28
If I have to buy breakfast too that’s another $5-10
So by being a little tiny bit late, aka reallocating my F*cks, my potential savings per day is up to $55. I work 7 days a week. That’s about $385 per week if I just let myself have my little routine at home and just rock up a tiny bit later. Nobody dies, it literally does not matter.
I’ve run a workshop before about ‘How to Give Less F*cks’ - is this something that interests you? Let me know and I will run it again soon.
I hope this email lands for your and I’d love to hear about you, the way you allocate F*cks in your life, the things that have helped you stop people pleasing, and what you DO give a F*ck about.
That’s all for now, I’ll be here with more Bad News to your inbox next week!
Stay Hydrated, Wear SPF, Remember to Floss and Stay Away From F*ckboys.
Eve
xx