I got up this morning around 3:30am. Not unusual as I have always had occasional bouts of erratic sleeping. Most of the time it is because I wake up to answer nature's call and the brain thinks it time to get up and start the thinking process. Over the years I would go back to bed and fight to get back to sleep until I was gritting my teeth with anger after hours of trying. In recent years I have decided to stop fighting and after a few minutes of trying I am not able to get back to sleep I just get up.

Today when I got up I decided no lights, no coffee, no tv, just browsed my phone for a few minutes. I put the phone down and started pacing around the house. There are nightlights everywhere so I am not stumbling around in the dark. At first I walked into the kitchen and looked at the stove debating a cup of coffee...pour over you see, hence the stove for the water pot. I turned away deciding no coffee just yet. I wandered to the patio doors and stared into the dark sky above. Next back to the kitchen, into the studio, the office, and back to the living room. I did this a few times when I realized I was talking to my Mom and Dad. This morning I did not feel their presence and I suddenly felt lost. I stopped and stood in the middle of a room and said I cannot believe they are both gone. I stared again into the room at nothing in particular when I momentarily felt adrift from myself.

The feelings of disconnection I read about from other people and I was right there myself. Disconnected from not only my Mom and Dad but from the planet. How is that possible I thought. When I talk to yourself and a dialogue begins it freaks me out. I begin to think I am losing my mind and usually draw my voice inward out of fear of being heard. As for the disconnected feeling...I have read much of what others have been through and this topic seems common.

Friends who have already been through the death of one or both parents have told me it never completely goes away but will be happen less frequently. Feeling disconnected is uncomfortable but can be a good time for reflection of self. That is how I am going to deal with these moments. One of the bizarre thoughts that went through my head the last time this happened was an understanding of how Major Tom felt in the David Bowie depiction. And while the metaphor of space travel relating to instead the ups and downs of drug abuse, emotional roller coasters are similar and music is after all subject to interpretation by the listener.

#grief #loss #death