I have crazy chin hair.

I have crazy chin hair.

Apr 26, 2022

I know it is there. I do forget about it often. I will be heading on my way to church and touch my chin and I swear it's like a mile long. I look at my husband telling him I am closer to being able to do a come over for a full-grown beard. He laughs. I laugh. But in my head, I know why that chin hair is still there. It is because I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I do not like seeing what everyone else sees. I can close my eyes. They can't. That would be rude and disrespectful. I have good people in my life. No one even says hey, control that chin hair. Because again that would be rude lol.

I can totally take care of it. The thing is, except for as I am writing this, but I am busy, I forget about it. Like I said, I can not stan looking at myself in the mirror. I hate pictures of myself. I hate what other people see. I do not know at all how my husband can still want to be married to me. I am no longer pretty. I am not saying I am ugly. For someone that looks like me, I have a lot of confidence. The thing is, I used to be absolutely beautiful. I was told at a young age that I was and it carried on into my adultish life. It didn't matter if I wore makeup and did my hair, It didn't matter if i was dressed nice or in baggy sweat pants and a t-shirt. People always thought i was beautiful.

Now, I count myself as lucky to have a good looking husband that loves waking up to me. I am lucky that I was beautiful when we met. I made me beautiful just for him. I am lucky he fell in love with me before I got not as beautiful. I remember when I lost my first tooth after we got married. I text him and said hey will you still think I am beautiful with a missing tooth. Thank god he said yes because he was at work and didn't know it had fallen out. He came home and was like let me see. UMMMM NO!!!!

I hate when I look at myself in the mirror i see what I turned into. I'm not hideous by any means. My personality makes me pretty!!! But, the beauty I had is no longer. In addiction I didn't take care of myself. I ate cocaine like it was candy and it messed up my gums.

When I got sober the devil said you left me in the dark side and now I shall punish you. He took my beauty away.

But now that I am not longer associated with the devil, I found real people that like and love me for me. I found God who put these people in my life. I still have long chin hair and black heads you can see from the moon. But they are not what define me. My beauty is no what defines me.

I messaged a good friend of mine one day. Our husbands used to work together. I told her that she was beautiful and don't know how my husband could at al find me attractive. What she said to me next helped me see that my husband may not have a beautiful trophy wife, but he has one that he adores. She said girl, one day my husband came home and says I have mad respect (my husband). While al the guys at the job site were sitting around talking shit about their wives, (my husband) said how lucky he was to have me, and how grateful he was to have me. He said all the sweet nice things about me.

I know how to change how I feel about my looks. I can go get my teeth done and clean my face better. But i am stuck in the mind set that the decline in my beauty is punishment for all the awful tings I did too people because I was beautiful. I can go work out and be thing. shoot, I live on a mountain with so many beautiful places to hike on. But I am still being punished for my actions. Who is punishing me? The devil. He is still reminding me that even though he may not have a tight grip on my life like he used too, he can still get to me. It is called depression. Depression controls my life. I jump in the shower but don't brush my hair. I wear the same clothes as I did the day before, because it is to much. It adds to the pile of cloths I have t still get too. It reminds me that I am over weight and have no nice clothes. It reminds me I wont buy self anything nice or do my makeup and hair because I will look like a clown.

But I do have good days. I watch my kids play. I see my oldest daughter who looks like I did. I pray she never walks my path and I will fight the devil to make sure that doesn't happen. I light up when I see my husband come home. I do all the things that bring me happiness.

Except I don't look in the mirror.

Maybe tomorrow I will.

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