Apr 07, 2021
2 mins read
I sit still, feeling myself in a haze I cannot shake off.
I am neither awake, nor asleep. Neither alive, nor dead…
What am I? I have asked myself that question far too many times over the last few days. And I have not found an answer.
I pick up my cup, filled with blazing hot coffee I brewed only a few minutes ago, and sip it, without really feeling the taste filling my mouth.
The distant sunrise is only beginning to brighten the skies, and I am already too tired from the day that hasn’t even begun yet.
What had become of me? Where had the joyful girl disappeared? What happened to the optimistic dreamer I once was?
Was it the pain I lived through? Was it the betrayal? Was it the people who have left me?
Or was it me all along, slipping away through my fingers like sand – bit by bit?
Pages and pages of handwritten notes and ideas fill my table with piles of sheets and notebooks I have scribbled away. But does that make me who I am? Does that help me figure out what am I supposed to do? And how to live?
I am not sure anymore. I do not know anything. Even if I know a lot – nothing I ever found out can really help me ease my mind. It is too hard to focus and I have no idea how to regain my concentration again.
Perhaps, I need a distraction. Perhaps – a meal. Or, maybe, even a drink of something more than coffee.
After all… when was the last time I had gone to a vacation? I do not know. I cannot remember.
It seems ages ago I felt free and happy and filled with energy – enough to change the world around me by all means possible.
But what am I now really? An empty shell – a shadow of my former self.
I feel something furry jump to my lap and look down. One of the cats came to comfort me – or, rather, warm up in my embrace. I pet the little head of the youngest of my cats and suddenly feel calmer, than a few moments ago. My head clears from the questions. My heart stops beating against my chest.
Something feels different – maybe it’s because of the soft purring of the cat, or the coffee kicking in. But I pick up my pen and start writing…