I am sitting in the dark with just my thoughts to keep me company. There is not a single motion, nor emotion – just a vast void of the darkness coming all around and consuming what little life I had left.
I feel absolutely helpless.
All my life I have lived by the rules of helping others. I kept myself kind and helping, always eager to give advice, any help or even some money for the people around me to get by.
But once life turned to me with the similar circumstances… what did I get in return?
Nothing.
Not one of those who I lent money to – returned them. Not one person I’ve helped in many ways – helped me. Not one.
Not a single one.
I look at my motto, tattooed on my arm – just above the little scar that was left after a stupid attempt to end my own life.
Gods favor the strong.
I chuckle at this thought – because gods do favor the strong… they favor them to be in constant trials – one after another, until one of those trials might finally break them. And the gods will laugh that the person was weak, even though he or she was strong for so many years before.
Is it good that I have tried staying strong for so many years?
Is it good I have tried my best to be what I am?
I do not know now.
A thought crosses my mind to drive me even further into the surrounding darkness – all was in vain.
What else is there left for me, if nothing I do seems to really bring me up? What else is there left for me to do, if all I ever try to accomplish – fades away, like sand under a strong breath of the wind?
What else is there left of my strength?
I certainly have no more to go on. And I have nowhere to get it from. And no one to help me get it back.
Another thought pushes me into the embrace of the darkness.
All your life you are alone. You are born alone and you will die alone. Only your life matters most of all. And only your plans matter above all.
Everyone else should be coming only after yourself, not before. Otherwise you will find yourself in the same darkness I’ve found myself in tonight.
More thoughts swarm in, burying me under the cold and harsh reality.
So many mistakes were made in my life. Each and every one – was helping someone else, instead of me. These mistakes have made my life unbearable and empty. So many sacrifices were made to help others. I should have left everyone to their problems and solved my own.
But now… it is my problems that need to be solved. And no way to solve them, stuck in a never-ending carousel of life.
For A you need to have B. To get B, you need to have A…
If you have neither – you can never have any…
There isn’t really a specific description of the edge between the clear mind and madness. As it is, people are still not really sure what can actually be considered madness, and what is supposed to be a trait of a normal human being.
All this is because every person is so different from another that in some cases one person can lose his or her mind – the other can stay clear headed and very composed.
Throughout my life I have had more moments of clear mind than anyone around me. And even so – people always tried to call me more aggressive, madder, more emotional, even when I didn’t exhibit any of those traits.
After all… people see what they want to see.
To a rational view – if someone sees something that isn’t there… it means that this person is mad. So how come I always felt mad for being told that I show traits that were never there?
It is easy – that is exactly the edge between madness and a clear mind. Because if a lot of people are mad – and only one is clear headed… only the latter is considered to be mad, because madness is actually normal in such a society.
There are only a couple of questions left…
If people consider me mad… am I?
And if they consider me mad, whatever I do… maybe it’s time to stop being myself and prove them right?