Dear Disease,
You came into my life almost a year and a half ago. You appeared out of nowhere and made an impact immediately.
There hasn’t been a moment that You haven’t been present since.
All of this time, and You have yet to let yourself be known.
You have made me lose 50 pounds and given me moments where I look in the mirror and cry.
You have taken from me the ability to eat any of the foods I loved.
You have not allowed me to sleep in over a year.
You wake me up nightly drenched in sweat.
You make my feet sweat so badly that it is uncomfortable and embarrassing.
You give me fevers.
You make my hands shake uncontrollably.
You don’t allow me to tolerate the cold any more.
You have taken away my appetite and desire to eat for days at a time.
You have eluded multiple doctors and tests and made me question myself.
You give me rashes and pain that can’t be explained as it isn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before.
You make me question my usefulness and worthiness often.
You make me question everything I plan on doing due to stomach issues.
You have made me so angry that I have become almost uncontrollable and looking for a fight. I have said things that I would have never said in the past.
You have taken from me my ability to remember or follow through with anything.
You have taken my ability to work beyond a little bit at a time.
You have put financial strain on my family.
You have taken away my desire for so many things; sports, photography, gardening…I don’t even watch hockey anymore. The Blackhawks have been a big part of my life for almost 50 years. I have actually put my camera away for awhile. I no longer have fun being out in nature and photographing it’s beauty. I actually question why I even do it anymore as I struggle to edit or share with anyone.
You have made me bitter and resentful of others. I haven’t been able to escape you for a second. Not. One. Second.
You have driven a wedge between myself and so many others. You have damaged relationships beyond repair.
You have broken my spirit, taken away my drive and basically have left me a shell of myself. There used to be a voice inside telling me to keep going. That voice is distant now.
You have driven along with me on days where I didn’t think that I would return home.
You have taken someone who already fought depression and added anxiety to the mix.
You have made me hate the daytime and being in public.
You have taken away my ability to laugh and find happiness.
You have made me learn how to make a noose.
You have made me feel like nobody cares or loves me anymore.
You have taken away my ability to be a nice person, no matter how hard I try.
It seems as though You can only take one more thing from me. I haven’t let You win yet. I will admit that each passing day You seem to gain the upper hand. I’ve fought and battled my entire life and that won’t change. I hope that someday we are actually introduced. I can’t wait to tell You what I think of You.