My friend & next door neighbor (we had also had a relationship for awhile), Justin, passed on Sat June 20, 2022. I heard his roomie, Richard, talking to a deputy outside. He has COPD & I told him that I don't have a lot of energy to clean my own place, but garbage I do take out & I could do the same for him. I took some things for him today.
Justin was disabled, bi polar & an alcoholic (he used to do hard drugs). He didn't take meds & went through the full cycle, including, depression & suicidal thoughts every month. We knew each other for four years. I encouraged him to go to the doctor & said I'd drive him or find someone that could. Since, with my own health, I need to limit contact. He refused every time. I think this happening was partly due to something undiagnosed & also his will to go being stronger than to stay.
He had a hard life, for many reasons. Though some of it was probably public knowledge or at least something that could be disclosed, I'm not going into detail. I keep things confidential. Allow the other person to share if they want. In his case, he's not able to.
I understood why he made some of the choices he did. He was trying to run from pain & tormenting memories. I'll be honest, I can't completely agree with them. I'm a depressive so I do get being despairing. I still try to have hope & am learning to ask for support. I wish he had done both more.
He could be really sweet. He made me laugh & we had some fun together. I know I meant something to him. He showed it. He expressed it. He told me that being around me made him want to be a better person. Which was one of the best compliments I've received.
At times he could be quite a dick. Due to his condition. I understood that, but it didn't make it easy. I had already dealt with enough abuse in my life & finally had to put my foot down with his behavior. I didn't see him as much. Though, living right next door, couldn't avoid each other all together. Plus, we would text at times. I didn't want to completely cut him out, as when he was in his angry stage, he would alienate people. I didn't want to be one of those people. I still cared about his well being. Richard & I were pretty much his only friends.
I know he's free from all of his maladies. I'm glad for him. I will miss him & wish it didn't have to end for him like this. He was only 51. I haven't cried yet. Maybe one day I will. I have been experiencing anger. Could I have said or done more? Probably. But neither I or Richard or anyone else could make him take care of himself. As supportive as we were, he gave up on himself. He had before we ever met & he just kept deteriorating. I'm especially angry that he didn't accept help more. He could still be here. One thing I've learned from this is to regularly let people know how much they mean to me. Justin, I hope that you now have all you ever wanted & are living your best life. I love you.
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