I had an epiphany. I already knew a lot of what has gone on in my life has been by circumstance. Being a multi abuse survivor & 3x cancer warrior (currently stage 4 uterine), primarily. I realized that even my choices still fit with the narrative. Especially the abuse.
Part of my inner work & healing has been learning to trust, including, myself. I can have doubts. Gaslighting can have that effect on a person. I've done things that I initially didn't want to, but I pushed myself to do anyway. I told myself that my trepidations were based on past experiences & sometimes it's necessary to push yourself out of your comfort zone. The majority of the time I was unhappy with my decision. I need to listen to myself better & learn when it's really not a good thing or I'm reluctant because it's something new.
The only true joy & peace I've had in my life has been from volunteering at the shelter & helping some others also. As well as my job with developmentally challenged adults (on a leave of absence). Doing for others is serving my higher purpose. The number one thing that's on my list to do & what is keeping me going during this time is having a rescue/sanctuary. I don't want to cross over not having realized this dream. Or, at least attempting to make it happen.
I'm done with just asking for & accepting crumbs to keep myself, not even afloat. I've been drowning for a very long time. Plenty of people have been able to achieve what they want through fundraisers. Why shouldn't I be one of them. The first half of my life has been a struggle. The rest, whatever is left of it, should be smooth sailing. I wish the same for everyone else. Keep your hope & faith alive.
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