Feb 06, 2022
25 mins read
Greetings to you all! Someone asked me, What was the provocation for starting this series?
After the last year of my personal journey taking a massive expansion, I felt compelled to start talking about it through blogs. Not to change anyone's mind. But to aid in the following...
I do not share what I feel, or know, or have gone through in hopes of changing anyone's mind. No, I share because I'm a supporter of humans, each and every one of you beautiful souls. And those searching for these nuggets, I want them to know I see you, I hear you, you are not alone and here you can find support for your journey.
You know that song by the Rolling Stone? You Can't Always Get What You Want. Well its very true especially that next line...But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.
Today I want to get into No Response Is a Response because like myself, I know there are others that struggle with this line towing. Like everything in life there is even polarity in this. Yes, you can choose not to respond in an immature way, or you can choose the path of no response in a mature, knowing, true inner peace fashion. The way you walk into your none response is what you will feel throughout the duration of that situation.
I have experienced both sides of that fence. And let me tell you, walking in a knowing you are not responding for the betterment of all involved, while having peace like none other through and through, is where my system loves to flow from and reside.
Don't get me wrong, something felt good about the other side of the fence, but it did not serve anyone good, most importantly myself. Yes, that way felt familiar and while uncomfortable to parts of me, it was still a known way of operating that I could comfortably hold my own in. But it was tearing more apart, building walls unnecessarily, closing my life off while never allowing anything to truly grow within, or around me.
A lot of my interactions I kind of had played with using this method, but I found later I was still using it wrong. Which is why it did not take full effect and manifest and with a sense of knowing peace when I would "not respond."
I did the:
Stay silent to keep the peace, while nothing inside of me was peaceful.
Not responding because I know its pissing them off more. So reveling in still getting my way, but not at peace.
None of these worked. Why? They were not coming from my core. They were still being fueled by my ego and need to feel...whatever... heard, missed etc.
Not responding because I know this is coming at me from a malicious place, one I truly do not identifiy with, nor will be bothered with, and I simple walk away, usually giggling. This is truly a state of bliss and freedom. Everyone wins and I'm in blissful peace, they immediately know, "Yeah no matter what I try to say, this is why she walked away."
Everything Does Not Need A Response:
As a little girl my Grandmother, would always remind me,
"You responding only keeps things alive. Let them stand there and argue with air. See how long that last."
See, my biological mother thrived on chaos. She never took real time to show herself other ways she could feel those same sensations without exploding lives, including her own. So arguing and getting things to level 30 of heat was a normal for her. Which meant grandmother reminding me constantly in my early years...do not respond!
My later years and most hormonal ones well, they were a bit harder. I had to remind myself, while trying to keep all parts in check. Many times I failed and got in the mud with Pam. I mean, human, letting off stem happens..(should have ran more those days). Even though I could hold my own and get through those moments, my system did not enjoy operating this way. Still yet, I would allow myself to get in the mud with her and of course, by round 10 I was wore out in more ways than one. You know why? Because I was trying to get through something her way, instead of doing it the way that aligned better for my energy, perception, mood and my life.
Still yet it took until around the age of 23 before those words really took full rooting throughout and I put them to prosperous work in my life. And that meant I had to start evaluting all my relationships. Moreover the one with myself. Why where they in my life? What needs where they filling? What stories had I been telling myself about these people and situations? Were these stories fully true? What was a constant truth about me in all of these?
I had picked up friendships along the way that had the tones of Pam. While I wasn't the target of the blast, I got to ride along on the waves, you know those familiar tones my physcial new so well of turmoil, chaos.
I mean you can know something, but until you really look at something without emotions, do you really know? Plus it takes getting the physcial under control. Becoming silent and allowing the slience to burn away all illusions.
That need to always fill the air with words comes from discomfort in slience. But you cannot learn anything if you are always speaking.
When the illusions drop, that is when the rest of you can fully tune honeslty into, everything does not need a response. That's when silence makes it truest mark and can be honestly explored.
The need to respond is the ego all in itself. Be it a heated debate, indulging in harmless banter, it satisifies that need to be heard, to be wanted...etc.
But it also sets the system up to always need outward validation. Therefore, always in a searching state. Always thinking that you deserve a response or need to give one. If you are listening to respond, then are you truly listening. (People that thrive off arguing listen to respond.)
In 2019 all of my relationships, including the one with myself were being shoved in my face again for inspection. All the small things I still allowed to play around my ears and in my life, like harmless gossip, participating in vent sessions (you know the one where you are looking for cheerleaders to hype and further justify your emotional state.) I found myself showing up for real like I did when I got serious(ish) at 23.
Yes, all of these small things were being pulled up for examining. I purposely started hanging up on people when they would start to vent. When they called back they would say, "I don't know who dropped." My immediate reply, "I'm not going to live in your emotions, if you want to talk about the facts and weed through this, lets do it. If you want to stay angry, I'm not the one you need to talk to and I wanted to keep it from going any further." I was ususally met with, "girl let's talk." The ones not wanting growth either quickly changed the subject or said, "Listen you sound busy. I'm gonna let you call me later."
Why did I still entertain small pieces of things I did not like? Because they were not always (or so it seemed) harming me. But they were. They were keeping familiar ways alive that only served the ego, but in the background they were not about my best interest, mainly because, they were not even truly operating for their own best interest. And that's ok. It happens we are human. Peace came from allowing myself to truly understand all paths will not run the same course. No matter the span of time, count it a blessing in all its ways and continue forth knowing you showed up the best you could, or learned where and how you will be better the next time you get that opportunity.
Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than what you think it should be.
Once I truly locked into my peace. It became easier to not respond. My peace came from knowing someone was going to be exhausted from keeping up illusions and it was not going to be me. And that truly was enough to walk away fully satisified in silence. The ego couldn't even argue with that fact.
Still yet we cannot hand pick every person we deal with. Some people are going to come along with those you love. The art of not responding is like every facet of life. Something you choose to practice daily, or you choose not to practice at all.
When I dealt with Pam I would waste so much energy trying to combat her lies. Because people would hear things, and believe them. The day it clicked for me was beautiful. I would let Pam get me so worked up that my response would make the lies she told appear true. Why? Because I was responding from pure passionate emotions. No matter my truth, the only thing others saw first was the anger. Like I said earlier, even when you know you should be doing something, it doesn't click until it clicks.
Twenty-three was the day it clicked for me. I knew what she was saying was false. I knew reacting was not going to fix this moment in particular. And from my core I felt this warm sensation of laughter building. My a-ha breakthroughs come in the form of laughter. If I'm laughing I truly am at my calm place. But something else happened. The next thought was what set real peaceful none response in motion for me instead of storming off in a slient wave. "Tell her she's right....then walk away."
I know, you are probably laughing just from reading it. But stay with me. She was right, that was her feelings and perspective on the matter. Who am I to tell her how she feels. But her story was illusive and the only way to break illusions is to challenge them. Aruging with Pam wasn't a challenge to her, she was use to that. She was not use to being told she was right while feeling no conflict and therefore having nothing more to aruge about. That made her gears turn. While giving me my freedom to walk away head and heart in tact.
And I wasn't going to waste my time or energy to prove her wrong any longer. I was going to let reality and time start doing the heavy lifting for me. The thought also didn't leave me feeeling anything expect free. So I let the words fall out like butter and what happened next was amazing.
She literally froze. It was as if someone had paused real life. Hand in the air, mouth partially open, ready to fire back and nothing...not one sound. I had sileneced all my demons with 2 words. She felt heard and I played my part in a way that left me feeling cool, calm and unbothered. When I walked away, that was the first time I can truly say I walked away because the slience would help weed some things out.
Being at true peace in a none responsive way when you are being attacked, is one of the hardest things to accomplish in this life. But we must remember that is an immaturity to satisify every desire. Some attacks need peaceful silence to combat them. Until you allow yourself to sit back, and watch silence work in your favor, you will always fear not being heard. You keep letting the ego think that someone's words are the be all end all.
The last of my illusions broke in one of my relationships last year. While it was heart wrenching, to say I did not see it coming would be me lying. And this time just tuning everyone out wasn't the answer nor was exploding. Let's explore how silence actually built a bridge while still allowing me to remain in my light.
Getting What You Need:
I had a conversation with a buddy of mine recently and it all began because some bridges had to be built back. Communication needed to flow again where it was not being allowed. To keep it all straight we will call them the friend the offender and the girl.
The Friend reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to particapte in a 3-way conversation with the offender so that we could all get on the same page.
The offender and I's relationship (friendship) began in laughter and joy but it took a turn for bitter quickly, all because of emotions steering ones course. When the damn broke I took the highest road of silence I have ever taken. That I can honestly say. With the offender and his gang bringing attacks through social media, through Joey, through unprovoked and malicious voicemails/text. Yeah the works, I remainded like a guard in front of her Queen's palace.
Trust me I would have been justified in responding but, it would have stiffled everything that was meant to grow in this moment.
I knew this day was coming of having to have a conversation with the offender present. I was fine when and however it came. You know why, I was really comfortable in why and how I had played my role throughout the entire course of our relationship. Notice I did not say right I said really comfortable. I had honestly moved and spoke to them and about them always truthful, and honestly. I did not allow myself to even begin to indulge the emotion fueled banter. I feel no regrets for things said or done... You now know why, I truly never did or said anything malicious. So walking into a conversation with the offender, well I was ready anytime, but were they?
The friend and I were in total agreement that a conversation was the only way for clarity to be gained on a situation greater than us all. And also that held real life and death in the balance. He offered to stay on 3-way in case the offender chose to get off script and go his can be rouge malicious tougne self. I agreed and knew it would come up during the call. Even though this wasn't directly about our shit it had no chose but to come up. When it did the offender apologized for how he "handled" some things. He said to me, "Erica, now don't you feel bad about the past." Before he could start another sentence I politely asked if I set a realistic tone so we all didn't waste any time and could get to the real matters of the call. He replied, a light hearted sure. I flowed like this:
I can understand why you think I might feel bad, but that is your projection. You do feel bad for past actions and things you've said and done against me. I can understand why. But please do not mistake your boat for mine. I have hours of voicemail messages from you that were unnecessary, hurtful and unprovked. You publicly were shitty and took time to create accounts after being blocked on social media to try and get at me; and well yes, I clapped back once, I'm human. What I said was pure truth. I did not feel bad in how or what I said then or now. That is where we are different. You use words to intentionally harm. Though my words stung what about them were untrue? I'm not you. So you let it go. You cannot take it back it happend, but I forgave you in the act because I saw you coming. You remind me of Pam through and through which is why I pray extra hard for you.
He got really quiet.. then he stumbled forth with"I do not know what to say." I chuckled and could hear the friend chuckling and I replied.
"A response wasn't needed. I did not want any illusions in anyone's thoughts here today.. See offender, I understood you and how you operate. You thrive in gossip and others affairs so I knew the day of us falling out wasn't for long. But you are someone's family that I love more than myself. I entertained you for their benefit, which is the only reason I am enteraining you now. I respect and appreciate that you could bring your higher self forth from that same place of loving them and we talk today. But nothing about the past am I holding over anyone, most importantly myself. Those days showed me why I can love you from a distance and feel no shame, guilt or anything else. You operate from a place that I do not identifiy with out. No shade, just not my twist."
On the phone that day, the air wasn't set for debate it was set for facts to unfold. The offender's shade had no choice but to come up because it was a fire keeping bullshit alive, I'm sure it stirred some feelings inside of him having to speak to me. Not gonna lie my physcial was ready and feeling some type of way too. But my core was grounded. The other noise of myself had no choice but to line up. This call in the end was not about me.
The stories the offender had ran around telling people, "Erica did this, Erica said that." set his emotions and actions in alignment and I understood. Before liking or dislike I understood where he was coming, unfortunately they were lies.
Your body believes whatever story you tell it. Tell it a story long enough, lie or truth, that is where your emotions flow from. The offender no longer had support, or justificition for his past maliciousness. The third-party present was hearing all of it from every side after he had been hearing only what picture the offender had chosen to paint. But in that moment everything was made clear and everyone was set free.
There were no more places to hide the sun was shinning on everything and it felt great.
That conversation closed all doubts. Killed every illusion and provided clarity for the life in balance. That's a total healing. That's a healthy none response. Trust me, it had uncomfortable parts for everyone's ego. Some even went through false uncomfort at their own doing. That conversation ended up being almost 3 hours long and there was truly nothing left unsaid.
When that phone call ended the friend called me back just so he and I could chat.
Here's how that went and another level of clarity and closure blossomed. Because there was still a question he needed answered..what about the girl?
Friend: Omg, I'm so proud of the offender. He's my friend and all, but I know how off script and color he can get and I be tryin' to tell him . But E, you did your thing, left nothing unanswered you really set that tone. Thank you for showing up and letting that happen.
Me: You are most welcome. I knew today was coming. I also knew Joey wasn't going to be the stand in. I'm glad it was you, because it allowed you to see a lot of things today..fully. While saving us all unnecessary time of wondering any longer and set him free of all his bullshit in the process. It was much needed.
Friend: Listen E, you and your girl still aren't talking though. I know it all spawned from this bullshit and after listening to you talk to the offender today, I understand you weren't being silent to "keep the peace" you were at peace and not going to be bothered. I get that. But you and her have been girls for years, you gotta fix that. Well, don't you feel like you should reach out there too?
Me: My none response is my response. She has told me all things I need to know to finally let go of our relationship. I saw this coming.
I went on to tell the friend a little of my back story and about my mother. Pam was a bully, plain and simple. She had a fun and free side, we shared laughs too. My girl reminded me so much of her. That was an unhealed part of me that allowed me to entertain my friendship with my girl for as long as I did. As much as I love my girl, the truth is this, in her core she operates by bullying and I am not going to entertain it any longer, in any way. I started falling away from people like that during my first big shift at 23. Somehow she remaind. Mainly because overall she could and did rise above the bs, and it wasn't directed at me. When she brought it to my court it was over and just catch up of what she'd been through. Or a call to ask for perspective check. Though she had those things in her world, I wasn't feeling them up close... So I justified her staying in my life because of that perception.
She chose to ride the wave with another bully when I had truly done nothing to her last year. Why she did? You will have to ask her. Do I care what her justifications are? No. Because like you said we have history. If she valued our friendship she would have come to me. When I really needed my friend most she did what she did and it was like a movie on fast forward, as I read the words she chose to type, to intentionally create hurt on social media. I knew that was our, wish you well.
See that movie played and I saw all the times I showed up for her, be it to help her in trauma or to boost her growth in personal business. Heck I had even been the reason she had getaways. Why? Because that is what I do for those I love, I show up, and sometimes with treats. And when my feelings are hurt, I show up to them and address them, not the world. But you know what I did not see in that rewind, how she ever showed up for me. She was there because of a benefit to herself that I was providing, always. Yet, I still called her friend because we shared laughs and hugs. But had she ever really operated as a friend? No.
I justified it away in 2019, it came back up in 2020 and 2021 the curtain closed and I was more prepared than she was because I saw how we had grown apart. It finally became known to her.
If she could quickly cut me when I had done nothing to her and do it publicly, I knew then, there are other times I am not aware of, she's done the same. I knew in that moment when I read her words, justifications and familiar in many ways, allowed me to keep that tether alive. As I read her words, I thanked her for setting me free to fly. I knew this day was coming, and a choice would be made...she made it.
Even when you know seperation is on the horizen you can never fully prepare for how it is going to feel. She supplied a familiarness and one that though it worked in my past, it did not serve my best interest and most often did not feel good to be apart of once I peeled it all back for inspection. I love her and I wish her much sucess. Her pain in missing our connection comes from her knowing it did not have to be, and that my friend is not on me.
Friend: Damn, I did not ever consider all of that. I simply thought you might be trying to punish her with silence, but you truly are at peace and closed that book.
Me: Yes. My A-ha did not take long when this happened last year. From the outside I understand how it might come off as I'm being spiteful.. but my silence came deeply rooted in a knowing. I saw the crack beginning back in January of 2021. Our relationship was brought to my forefront many times on my growth journey. But 2019 many illusions began to fall. January 2021 I saw the begin of the end. She is grown, nothing made her do any of the things she did. They were a choice. And from that I made my choice. In grounded peace and knowing that this season has come to its end. I knew it was coming, I felt the light being placed on her in 2019 to grow it or throw it. But that familiar side said, oh just a little longer let it stay. So I did until I could no longer justifiy even to my rational self maintaining a connection. I'm not mad, I am sad, but there is peace in my valleys.
Friend: I get it. Thank you for letting me understand. Had today not happened I would still be feeling some type of way about you. But today, I get it all and I cannot even be mad. I just hope you don't hold, how I felt about you because of others, against me?.
Me: Even though you may have had feelings, you never did one thing malicious. I have the utmost respect for you and your not choosing to ride on others words. That takes disclipine and restraint. Thank you! I needed to experience someone like you. You have have restored my faith in humanity.
I truly know I loved each of these people for their good and their flaws. But I also know there comes a time when some paths no longer connect or run parallel.
Some people do not know how to end things on a good note. Some people have not out grown the need to satisify...anger, lust, or desire of any form. I respect where each individual may be in their stage of life. And in that I ask that you respect that my need may be to remain none responsive. Yes, on the surface it looks and can feel to the receiver like punishment. But its the intent that matters.
Why are you not responding?
For me, I don't identifiy with that.
The offender only understood slience from his perspective. But that day allowed him to see, hear and gain understanding to what true peace filled silence is.
Until you crush the desire of needing to be heard or to be right, nothing will ever change or come to light.
I could have lashed back in all my blunt rightness and created real hurts, but this day may have never come. Real understanding and growth most likely may have been severed all together. When a life other than my own needed it most, we may not have been able to come to the table had I lashed out and satisfied the ego.
So much can honestly be learned from the space of nothing being said. We all want to be heard, but what we weren't taught was how much is said in the space of nothingness. That is the space humanity has not become comfortable with.
Think about it, how many times have you felt the need to fill the air with words when in a room with one other person? Many claim to do it so there is no uncomfortablness for the others. But what if that is a projection and you are the uncomfortable one?
Everyone I spoke of here knew what turmoil slient, looked and felt like. The only one truly walking in comfortable silence I learned was myself. My slient time wasn't being spent wondering how I could show up differently. Why? Because I did not allow myself to indulge my superficial wants. So I did not produce actions that I would later regret. I made my choices truly knowing I loved these people and did not want to create extra unnecessary for any future moments.
When the friend came to me about the conference call, he only knew slience as he'd seen it used before and assumed mine was of the same in some way. He got a deeper look into peace within.
I know that conversation allowed even the offender to gain clarity on what peace in silence looks and feels like. He was ready for me to feel sorry and depressed, or beating myself up. I mean, in his mind I should because of the story he told his self and he most likely was still reliving where he could have been decent and wasn't. But when you walk away and shut things down from a peaceful inner knowing, when you are asked about it there is no blame only talk of what is or what was.
That day everyone saw and heard something they never have honeslty experienced before. The offender had no reply because I was not looking for one. I can say that is the first time I had ever experienced the offender being speechless, and truly humble. #thereisagod?
I challenge you the next time you are in a space with someone and that moment the thought arises, "I should say something."
See what the slience brings.. There is already a peace there and if you cannot sit in comfortable silence without feeling the need to brust through with words, then how are you ever to recoginze comfortable none response when it is needed?
Your soul wishes to speak to you and it will require you to be slient. Will you answer the call to go dark, so you can truly hear?
Be blessed as you expand.
**Mini readings now available!!** Indepth Birth RIGHTS reading now available! comment SHOW ME MORE ...YOUR FIRST DIVE IS FREE!
☕ ɴᴇᴡ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀꜱ/ꜱᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛᴇʀꜱ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏꜱ ᴡᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇ. ᴅᴏɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴꜱ welcome here or through ᴘᴀʏᴘᴀʟ.
🔮ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴀ ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴᴀʟ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴏʀ ꜱᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴅᴍ https://www.instagram.com/thesearethetimes_ep/
💫ᴀʟʟ other ʟɪɴᴋꜱ: https://bio.link/ericapar