I am here still yet, beating you UP to your higher self! I hope this blog finds you doing well. Even though challenges may be present, may you retain your high vibrations knowing that all is teaching you, while growing you, and preparing you for your highest good. Go forth with confidence that these challenges are sent for your elevation.
In this week's series I want to touch on true healing. After the past year's experiences, I can honestly say this with confidence and love....true healing is never going to be linear or feel good all the way through. There are going to be moments you wish you could skip, but there are no short cuts to true healing. Only going through it, while leaning into the feelings, and finding understanding to nurture it through to its releasing.
This past year of life for myself, the art of dying out to past selves, really hit home. Like the Fool when he came upon Jugement in the story of tarot, I too thought I had "left many things behind." Only to find myself reacting and facing old me in 2021, with a person I never thought nor had acted this way towards before.
That in itself was a challenge and a hard pill to swallow while coming to terms with every new challenge. I type new this way because, I had been presented with crossroads to grow these parts before, but held to and lived the illusive truth, as I was now finding out.
Last years growing pains were especially rough mainly because these actions and feelings were truly foreign to me when it came to dealing with my life mate, and I had never responded in these ways to him. I mean he and I have been through and seen some shit in our knowing of and loving of one another. With over a decade of knowing each other and many up close years of sharing in one another's victorys and defeats. They were moments of watching myself honeslty and compassionately love another human from a place I had never allowed before. Yet, operating in this way was as natural to me as blinking. It was because of this history, I now know why I felt entitled to react the way I was reacting when met with certain situations during OUR FIRST, real year, as being one...together.
Let me tell you what, life is funny and if you read part one of this series https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Eluminate/removing-the-mask-creating-a-path-through-anything I touched on silencing the ego. And last year mine got a bruising and silencing like I have never felt before!
With time and a true going through of the events, while honestly sifting through it and releasing of it, now I know; I hold knowing hope instead of naive longings. My believing in and of is planted in sureness in all aspects instead of an immature response of I know. Now I truly know.
What Is Ego?
I want us to observe what the EGO really is. That word, and how the unconsciousness associates it, is so shallow upon entering real root work. We think ego in terms of vanity, bullying, thinking highly of ones self. Every negative "little" self-centered action seems to get lumped under ego. But if we unarm from the feelings that word initally brings about, we will come to understand that ego, at its simplist is the thing that wants.
Yep, its that simple, yet that complex...it does not matter the context, ego is the thing that wants and it does not care how that want is fulfilled. The ego also isn't aware that every want the power to be fulfilled lies within and can be truly fulfilled to your systems level of need. Ego is also to immature to realize every want does not have to be fulfilled to still be a full being.
The physcial is to immature to understand this, the heart longs for this level of maturity, and the soul knows from day one this part always needs to be kept in the forefront of mindfulness and shaped to maturity in all ways..in every moment of every day. But if we are not taught how to do this in critical early years, and never take the time in later years to slow every part down long enough to become aware, lock in, and grow the ego in a mature way, how is any real change ever going to happen? It isn't.
That nudge you feel from time to time in your gut is your intuition (your soul). It is never going to steer you wrong. It is expansive and is your beings singal for when its time to grow, stop, rise and most of all check in and connect on a deeper level within yourself. Our rational minds have been nurtured more than our souls which has lead to, many have quit trusting in their highest self.
Why is it hard to trust others? You don't trust yourself. How do you become more trusting of yourself? True spiritual introspection. Letting yourself learn how it feels to here your soul, then meet its calling with the correct actions in the physcial. You train it, plain and simple. And yes it is going to be work.
Our mind will box us into a belief that while it may contain some truth, it may not be the full truth. Leaning to far into the rational will have you missing soulful, destiny moves just as to much in the heart will have feeling being handed less than.
This is why a state of balance should be strived for always being maintained. So that your decisions and actions keep you on your path, with no unnecessary detours. Not saying you won't feel or experience some uncomfortable moments in rightness, but you will meet them from their beginning with an honest core knowing, I am expanding for my greatest good!
Raise Everything In Understanding:
Even though the soul knows what is best, the rest of your system cannot line up and recognize its calling until slowed down, and space allowed for all of your Mind, body, and soul to connect and convey the messages. You know, really lock in so all your horses can come into alignment charging in the same direction, rather than against one another.
Some shifts require a major shaking from the outside for all of you to fully lock in. Joey is mine. He has always challenged me and shown me the depth of myself in ways I only thought might be possible.
We often live illusions of trusting or having healed until something bumps against it in a challenging way. That brushing is a pivot moment.
It's in that moment you either do what you always do, justified in "this is pushing my illusive boundary."(A boundary that isn't built from knowledge or gained through understanding and knowing; this is how is must be for the best me. But rather built for protection.)
Or will that be the moment those illusions truly break and use this uncomfort to open up, that which you say is healed, but now learn was only buried to keep from feeling it. Once you reach this piovtal moment the only way to true growth and healing is to allow yourself to experience what really handeling something feels and looks like.
The soul cannot do the job of the mind, just like the mind cannot do the job of the heart and so forth.
The Reality Hits:
You must prepare the body, mind and soul on how to work as one, balanced and in a way growth may actually be obtained. Feel the uncomfortable, say or hear the "hard things" and then respond in your truth while still leaving space for whomever to honestly do the same. This is how you guide, this is how you grow.
In all ways and especially the uncomfortable, my love and I always moved as so. Moving like this was effortless to us both and how I always wanted to move with another human. We never had to discuss, please don't speak to me that way or you know, any of the little flairs that come up when major emotions rise. We naturally moved and loved as I had only experienced in my minds eye, until then.
It was our way of handeling things. This allowed an honest depth of understanding to come forth from our choosing to move this way.
I don't know why but from day one the hard stuff was easy to go through with him...not perfect but flowing in a way that made you think...damn this is too easy, what's the catch?
That is until last year when every challenge we both had coming hit all at once. And we learned what it felt and looked like to be in our new roles while trying to wade through challenges, and boy did we come up short. Last year broke so many illusions, and for the strengthening and betterment of us as individuals and as a unit.
Flipped The Script:
What are roles? We each play many in a day; Mother, father, sister, brother, friend, foe, manager, model, singer, etc. These are roles along with many others. But these are not who you are, they are positions you hold in the world or someone's life.
Until last year the most we could ever be were best friends. 2021 was the first door to changing that. We walked into us with high anticipation, but we did one naive thing...we had each created all these expections based from childish knowings. Even though we had a great knowledge to go from in regards to one another, we had never done it with us sitting in these roles. You know, roles that come with their own hand picked list of built in expectations, thanks to society. Then each individual has their own to pile onto the stack.
Because of what we learned while friends, our expectations were being setup to let us down from the start in many ways. He and I both were floating on, even the hard shit would be easy in comparision to others we had parterned with. We said with words one thing, while our systems forgot, hey we have never really done it like this and you need to be rational too. That is that ego bs, to the fullest.
Anticipation is a beautiful thing, if experienced honestly. But society hasn't left room for that to occur naturally. Instead we anticipate and pad the wait time with all these expectations of what it will hold upon its arrival. Then when it comes, it often times looks, and feels nothing like you imagined. Often the expectations and feelings felt in the wait time were so high, now that it is here and not fully meeting the hype, you feel as if you were had. You can expect something to be one way all day long, but if the truth is opposite of your expectation, you miss everything contained if you are unwilling to detatch from what you know. You've shut it down because there is no way this is what you were waiting for.
Allow yourself to practice anticipation without any expectations.
Even with all the real truths we knew, we overlooked one thing. Our own deepest self. What do we do to the people that are in these roles? How do we interact with our mates? We did not ask ourselves or honestly answer the most important question of them all. What are your constants no matter who is sitting in that position, and why?
Truly knowing your constants (unchanging like moods, events, etc.) is to truly know thy self. Sometimes you can spend years single, and have worked on areas, but if there is one that is deeply repressed, that will be the one that is healed last. Why? Because it will take a love that is deeper than that unhealed place to wake it up and say, now you must grow from this, your safe. Deeply hidden wounds are not easily bared and will take honest vunerbility to come forth for inspection. It is from this depth you also operate unkowningly. You constantly do A when B happens because that is how it has always been, until something greater challenges the constant.
When the unveiling happened for us it got heated. The crazy part, most times I was more disappointed in myself than anything. Here's why. I expected Joey to interact with me like we always had, and he too expected the same. When I say we are best friends I mean we truly know one another's shit. But reality was this, I found distance and shortness. Felt things I had never felt coming from him. It wasn't feeling so uplifting being his other. And that was making my returns to him feel the same way. This pissed us off because, we did not treat one another this way and why is this happening?
It was happening because we were now in unhealed lands. Even though we always shared in everything with one another, the people that held this postion in our lives before, did not.
He started unintentional treating me as if I were them. My reaction, came from an equally unhealed place and only made things worse.
The depth of our love became apparent to us both during a time and in a way, that by society's standards, was not right. Depsite opinions, things revealed during those years gave us a knowing that we were right where we were meant to be, and doing the best we could to nagivate for everyone on the outside that might feel affected should they have found out. But no matter the level of love, understanding, or compassion the truth was the most we expected and could expect from one another during those years was friendship. A true friendship contains all of these aspects, but when we moved from friends in love, to in love and each others fully...well expectations shifted, levels of how we are expected to show up shifted naturally too.
But last year his root work and the root work I was being met with, collided in a way like I have never experienced with another human before. We hated not being able to intially enter moments like we always had experienced of one another as friends. No matter how hot the words became, I am thankful for that true knowing of a bedding. I knew how I loved him, I had watched myself naturally love this man like I have never operated with another human before. What was the problem now? The problem was unrealistic expectations were tripping us both up. Making hardships unnecessarily harder.
What we had experienced set us up for all these should ofs, that while true, were not rational or full in their truth. Egos were everywhere, feelings and pride hurt more than anything, but the foundations built years ago were stronger than the superficial I want it, and allowed us to always return to our deep communication. Put two fire signs in a room that are not seeing eye-to-eye and its going to be a hot one. Situations may start hot and emotional, but someone is going to have to choose to be the leader in that moment that creates the balance of true openness. If no one is willingly to lead and show it can be done, how is anyone ever to know truly how that feels and what it might even look like?
Even though communication was never our problem, it became our problem because of the unconsicous parts we still did not realize we held to that were directing our every step. Like I said, some parts are so deeply buried it takes that one, that you can be vunerable long enough with that it unconsiously (comfortably) rises.
When it does are you going to do what you always do and repress it? In turn not heal it? Or will this be the moment you stand and say ok, today we handle this. No matter how it may feel, today I will begin to fully release that which is dead, to no longer have knowing or unknowing power over me.
Remember healing is not linear and it will not be all love and light. But if you will face it, embrace it and then allow yourself to fully be free, you and your system will get a raising like never before. From your vibrations elevating, to your thoughts, and in turn your actions. Everything will raise for your good.
EGO retraining Exercise
The ego and pride will not serve anyone on a healing journey. It is time to get the ego fully under control, so that you can honeslty root work and come out shinning every so brightly, lighting your prosperous path.
Whether you are aware of it on the surface, your soul is aware of the imbalance. Once you become aware in the conscious it is your duty to slow down all of you, while connecting with your higher so that the needed and right actions can manifest and truly shift your all.
With the lowness of Pisces having shaped our physcial egos from birth, and our environments continual shaping, it often times feels as if you are always at war with yourself, or even others. The push pull affect seems even greater now, and with good reason. With the viberation of the world shifting from The Age of Pisces (feelings as belief) into The Age of Aquarius (belief from knowing) we're all feeling growing pain that is necessary for the evolution of humanity.
Recognize your core when it is speaking. If gentle signs are ignored, it will loudly remind you....You can either willingly submit yourself to ego retraining or the day will come when you are uncomfortably submitted. Either way the chance to dig, unload, and release while rising is always what your angels want. Ultimately you decide what truly takes form when this moment arrives.
I challenge you to allow yourself to experience what it feels like to long for something, without actaully satisfiying that want. Your ego needs to learn how it looks, and feels to survive without being fulfilled and still maintain overall fulfillment and joy.
We often trick ourselves into thinking we know how something should be all because we have heard someone else's experience. You don't. You don't ever truly know something until you have taken it apart, walked in it, or done it yourself. Everything else is an illusive truth; while true for one, that may not be the truth for your encounter. Let yourself honestly experience the things you only know of, so your system can then truly know.
Here's to honestly going through to a total healing so that you truly believe, and know why you emerged and carry on as you do now, on the other side.
Erica Parrott /Eluminate
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