12/5:
So I flew out this morning from Phoenix to Missoula. Traded some cozy weather for more freezing temperatures and snow. Now I'm struggling to fall asleep as I mull over all the possible ways that this upcoming event can go. There's a new boot here that supposedly has experience with livestreaming and my first thought was is this person going to interfere with the job I flew out here to do. That's just it... I flew out here to do a job because I would get paid an amount that was verbally agreed upon. Now if there is another person that is trying to work on this same job am I having to sacrifice a portion of what I'm supposed to get paid for this job? If so, then why would I waste my time and money to come back if they now have someone that could do all of what I'm doing as well? I accepted this gig under the pretense that it would afford me to make my next life transition.
At the same time I can't help but hate how selfish this all makes me feel. I just wanted to be here for the week, do my job, and go back home with some money to take me there. I would feel a bit more stress-free then. Now I'm trying to cope with these choices I've made and I'm stuck in this moment of "am I doing the right thing?" I have to say it feels challenging to try and answer that right now. Perhaps I value my own independence and self-sufficiency too much to want to continue on this path that makes me feel so reliant on others' good will.
Now, I'm writing this as I lay on the couch in the living room of the main house on this Montana property feeling like I've lost the ability to enjoy myself in this place anymore. I think it has to do with the lack of a sense of freedom that I feel when I'm here. I was not returning here to be a part of the boot camp, yet it seems to me that that is expected of me in order to stay here in this time leading up to the event. Is my time and effort of doing all of this work in order to make this event work out not enough to earn a few nights on a couch or a bunk bed before it all begins?
Well I'm feeling a lot of things right now and I don't know if this will truly help me sleep now, but it does feel good to write it out and publish them across this digital page.
One big plus of being back here is that there are a bunch of new kittens aroud to enioy and play with. So I will share those with you here:
So for now I have some stuff to sort out and sort through. I need to really ask myself if what I'm feeling towards this situation really valid? And what will it mean to me years down the road?
Bur for now.....
I'll catch ya next time!