I wish I could explain better the intense fear that is caused by my brain not working. How incredibly difficult and slippery it is to try and hold a thought in your head long enough to act on it. When even the smallest distraction derails any task you are trying to accomplish even stupidly simple ones. It took me hours yesterday to refill my water glass. Figuring out where to put my phone
What was I doing?
10 minutes later oh yeah, I needed water. Set down the phone. I should find my slippers. What was I doing?
5 minutes later, I need to pee and then get water.
20 minutes later, why am I wearing slippers laying on the bed?
3 minutes later, oh yeah the fing water I really nee- oh fuck the fundraiser - where's the phone.
This cycle repeated constantly with every task I tried to do. I still have half my food from today sitting on my nightstand because It was so much work to juggle existing and eating. It was and exhausting day and I got next to nothing done. Most of the things I did try to do I made a horrible mess of.
It's only because I keep an emergency stash of bottled water under my bed in case I have to save my energy for the day for going pee. Today I am worried that those energy-conserving calculations are going to have to include the possibility that I may need to throw up.
Being trapped in your body while your brain is short-circuiting so you're powerless to do anything to about it is a special hell.
I am going to need forever therapy after this.
There's also a really good chance I turn off my phone for the majority of the day. I am just too sick and everything is falling apart and I've run out of things I can do about it.
