I am typing so I don't cry in the bath right now. I have always had a problem with setting aside things that need to be done to stop and take care of myself. I was the oldest child and a girl and autistic and I was raised with the expectation I would become a dutiful homemaker one day. It's pretty much a given that I am going to feel like I have to take care of everything else before myself.
In the old days, my workaround was putting it on my schedule. If I wasn't able to get everything done before I was scheduled to do something for myself I would shrug at my failure and "lol I'm a piece of shit" before setting down a hand towel over the toilet lid and setting up my bath stuff.
I no longer really have a schedule and my body isn't up to sticking to one. I also have a lot more guilt about doing things that my brain associates with frivolity and indulgence right now. I have such a limited amount of time I can do anything it's hard for me not to push myself to use every second of it doing things that Need to be done.
Today was my first day out of a crash and I found that I was bored and restless and was finding it hard to rest and save my spoons for tomorrow. I thought maybe taking a long soak would help with the pain and pass some time without draining my precious scant energy. I hoped that I would get to skip these feelings this time since I had some good excuses
But alas for some reason (internalized capitalism), the only reason I can stay sitting in here is by figuring out how to turn it into "Work". I can easily let myself find joy in little things so easily but things of this nature that I don't feel like I am permitted because I am not doing enough to earn it is startlingly poignant and absolutely BS.
Rationally I know that we do not earn comfort, care, and pleasure through productivity - That disability removing my ability to produce doesn't make me less deserving - That I shouldn't need to justify taking care of myself even when that feels good. I also know that it would be so much easier to only have to grieve the loss of my body, freedom, health, and ability instead of continuing to process all the ways that capitalism and the exploitative work ethic culture that supports it are fucking poison.
I have no idea how to stop having those feelings since rational knowledge wasn't the cure.
Enjoy my indulgent bath setup: weed, dark chocolate with raspberry, and a power bar - I was planning on being here for a while
