the last few days ive felt really shitty.no lie, the days before i was feeling untouchable.i woke up one morning and for some reason, i didn't feel like i was doing the best i could do. i started down playing my accomplishments.i started feeling like nothing was good enough.The last thing i wanted was to transfer this energy to anyone and so i've kinda kept to myself. Not the best choice on what to do when you already feel alone.

 

regardless of the fact tho, we all feel the need to do something that we seem to natural veer to.I tend to recluse to my room,headphones on, bong packed. music is my escape.drawing on my computer is my escape.sometimes i just wanna hop on my bike and ride away.i cant lie, i saw it done since i was a kid.if everyone one in my life did it, it must work, right? lol horrible.

 

i used to just let the feelings stew in my mind. FUCK, that shit was the worst. i’d constantly drive around looking for a place to park and break down.i’d think of ways to silence my own self doubt but, that never went the way i wanted.The whispers of doubt continued.the pain continued.the drugs would help.the alcohol would help.all of thee above.

 

i didn't ever think of talking about it.about any of these feelings i had.BE STRONG.MAN UP.easier said than done.i felt like i was letting people down if i showed weakness.I hate it. the let downs would continue unless i found a way to numb it all away.i was dying from the inside out and losing my will to live.i'm not being dramatic.im being as honest as i can be.

 

it wasn't until i told someone that i held to a high regard that i felt like killing myself. i was expecting to be told that nothing is worth losing your life for. i was expecting to hear about all the reasons why i shouldn't do it.i was expecting someone to do and say the things i would say and do in that situation.i learned that NOBODY will ever care the way you do.

 

i heard nothing. just the words “are you done” and the sound of the lights shutting off.That was it.i was alone and destroyed and wondering WTF i can do to find peace.i could only think of the worst.i went to kitchen to grab a knife and all i could think of is all the times i talked my friends out of doing this same thing. all i could think of was my god daughter finding out what i had done to myself.the pain it would cause her.the pain it would cause my family.I dialed the suicide hotline to look for help.

 

after getting on the phone with the operator i felt like maybe if i talked about it more, it would alleviate the pressure a bit. i promised to talk about how i felt.i promised myself that if anyone acted as if my feelings didn't matter, they wouldn’t be in my life. I told myself to speak up about everything regardless of the relationship.im thankful for that night,all bs aside.it taught me a lot about life.it taught me a lot about myself. we all have our limit. and although we are strong, us men need to vent too.we all have a breaking point. that's what makes us human.

 

till this day, i continue to talk about everything.although sometimes its not as fast as i should, i'm still trying to do my best.the more your able to communicate with those in your life, the better everything will be.this isn’t the normal type of post for my blog but, what is normal? the point of this one was to truthful about emotions that many of us suppress.words that we often leave unsaid due to what others will think of us.it’s time to worry about how we think of ourselves.

 

stay blessed and stay motivated,

don't let anyone get you down

and remember,

#dreamzneverdie

-Dream