Sobriety the Second Time - Day 86

Sobriety the Second Time - Day 86

Mar 28, 2021

Sobriety the first time was more manageable. It is not a brag, but I was coming off a lousy depression cycle, and sobriety gave me purpose to fight my alcohol addiction at the end of 2014. I went until early 2020, a little over five years without a drop. The support was excellent, especially from my therapist, who, in 2014, noticed many of my stories we discussed involved me and drinking. I never saw it as alcoholism, more like a coping mechanism. I see now the reality that it was both, but I was twenty-eight at the end of my young drinking years, or so I convinced myself. The issue seemed like something to continue and be proud of as if that mattered in life.

The thing was, I was an alcoholic with denial issues, and as long as life was good, there were days where depression was distant, and the dark passenger was not there at all for long periods. It could be easy to deny my alcoholism and not deal with any of the underlying issues. It was when life fell apart, like the years leading up to 2014, that looking back with a positive outlook, for lack of a better word, that something was going to happen. I think at some level, I knew it would not last. Five years was a long time, and I impressed myself at the level of control.

Then December 15, 2019, happened. I lost my mom, and interestingly enough, a month earlier, I lost my therapist of almost five years. I have trust issues, and lucky me, the pandemic happened while I denied every feeling that my life fell apart. My mom's support system was gone so was therapy as the county was scrambling to find me a new one. I am still waiting. Let us take a step back for one moment.

My alcoholic stories always begin with me binge during my yearly Vegas trips, where I would get blackout drunk and pass out. It was fun, but I never remembered most of them, and I know what I know through stories of my brother and my cousin. Sure I was young and having fun, but the truth was I drank until I was blackout drunk the nights I was alone. Those are the sad ones no one hears. Instead, I would brag about the time I drank four AMF's in one hour and then kept drinking when I was already beyond drunk. My cousin was an enabler in a way, but in truth, he had no idea. No one did at the time.

I even used the excuse, "well, I'm a writer, and in the old movies, at the end of a good day, you pour yourself a glass of whiskey." I was a walking writing cliche. There was always a bottle of Jameson Whiskey on my writing desk and glasses. It was a reward after a good day of writing. Most days, I found myself at the bottom of a bottle with regrets the next day. What is worse is I am Bipolar and on medication that does not mix well with alcohol, but it never mattered until I was sober the first time.

Five years came and went, and when I lost all my support system, I was grieving but not grieving and shutting out my emotions. I drank. First, it was a beer here and there, and then two. I was buying beer to make it seem like the beer was not disappearing. I knew I was really off the wagon when I bought my first bottle of whiskey one night in March of 2020, drank half of it, and finished it the next day. I was lost, alone, and in denial.

I wish I could say I found myself right away, but it always turns out that depression and alcohol always lead to suicidal thoughts. In October of 2020, I came up with my first suicide plan in over ten years, something I never thought possible. I will spare you the details, but the saving moment, which never happened before I reached out. I was three months into life coaching, and I found someone who I trusted and reached out. I don't think I'd be here writing if she had not introduced me to the safety plan. (See this podcast episode for more on this.)

Well, I wish that I can say that I stuck to the no alcohol safety plan all the time. I did for weeks but struggled again and fell off the wagon of the fringes of sobriety plenty of times. The culmination was on New Year's Eve 2020, the last time I had a drink--a beer and some champagne. As I learned in life coaching, I had to do this for me and no one else. January first, I began a new safety plan and sobriety. I am eighty-six days sober today, and I have to say it has been so hard. It has only been the last or so that the cravings have been non-existent, and I almost have in a few times.

Be proud of your accomplishments because I feel good about what I have been through and come out better on the other side. Sure, the other side changes every morning when I open my eyes, but I can smile even on the nights I want to end my sobriety because I reach out now. Something else I had to learn to do and not be ashamed of your situation. Alcoholism is a real thing, and I lived through it in stages of my life. I know the future is unknown, but my life coach always says there are no problems, only situations.

If your struggling with alcoholism, reach out. I will be someone to lean on in those hard times. If you know someone struggling with alcoholism, reach out to them from time to time, because like suicide, you could be the reason they put down the bottle.

Always Keep Fighting

James Edgar Skye

Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

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