Self-reflection is good for the soul, I somehow forgot what that actually meant. For me, it is writing.
I know that many of you that read these posts come from the world of mental health and the mental illness community. What I am about to say will probably shock you, and I want you to know that my advocacy work means the world to me, and I will continue to do what I can to share the stories of the community with the world. That has not changed at all. My mission, or perhaps my idea of my purpose, has changed. Okay, I am getting off track. I get we are fed with the idea that "it's okay to not be okay," That, again, has not changed; it is okay to not be okay, but when does it become procrastination? To be honest, you are like me, procrastinating about the changes you really need right now.
Talk is cheap, it really is, and so many of us are just sitting and waiting for something to change. Inaction is procrastination. I hate to break it to you, and I am one of the worst offenders for procrastinating what I want most in this life. I know what I want, to be a writer, no matter the accolades or anything of that nature, but for humans to read my work. You would think, given my two degrees in writing, all the ghostwriting work I have done, and the fictional writing hours--all things that lead me to happiness--would be heading me in the right direction. I keep getting in my own way.
That is the story that I tell myself, the narrative of my life I have lived in for so long. The "I am Bipolar" versus "I have Bipolar disorder." I am not the illness, nor am I defined by its labels. Or my favorite I have heard over and over again, "This illness is who you are." They are identities that I have clung to desperately for so long. What I learned, and still work on from Life Coaching with Grounds for Clarity, is awareness is all things. That something is missing in all of us, and we need to find it before it is too late. The old way of doing things, like telling ourselves to push away the feelings, the vulnerability, the pain, and above all, the helpful way that other people help us grow, has been lost by so many of us. Even those enlightened spiritually have had to go down this path of "should I do this alone?" Being alone or believing that alone is the way to heal is another form of procrastination.
I can tell myself that I am working on me alone, and who is to say that I actually am? People mean accountability to keep moving forward. I have spent most of my adult, teenage, and even preteen life trying to do things on my own, and it has gotten me nothing but more pain, suffering, and hiding behind all those things. I have hidden behind my illness, work, education, and dealing with alcoholism, depression, insomnia, and anxiety. Here is the caveat: I made those choices. Lately, I have chosen to procrastinate, especially in the middle of a pandemic. Why not? It is an excellent excuse at the moment, but then, not so much.
It is not all doom and gloom. Yes, I have felt depressed for weeks and even perhaps months. There are factors, or as my life coach would say, the external. That is just another part of the narrative I tell myself. Change does not happen overnight or even when you think it will. I hate to say it; the universe only gives you what you can handle now. When you ask, it will give you what you need when you are ready, and there is no fast forward button in this life.
My point is with all this is this. I am more vulnerable to opening up than I was a year ago. I am more willing to help others when depression. My dark passenger becomes my companion. I am further and closer to my spiritual awakening than I was a year ago or even yesterday. I am learning from as many people as I can, and I am open to criticism about how I am going about daily life. Today I am at the point where procrastination is counterproductive and counterproductive to my goal of continuing my spiritual journey. I am not trying to achieve anything here with this post other than to share my thoughts. At the end of this, I will share one small part of my life that is going on right now, but it is prevalent. Stop procrastinating, and go after what you want because no one will hold your hand. For those people that are truly happy right now, this post is probably not for you. I will find my happiness, that I can tell you.
James Edgar Skye
Photo by Thomas Rey on Unsplash
I wanted to share this with this post because it is crucial. I am right now trying to raise anything to help my dad with his medical bills. I have set up a business Venmo, and if you can send anything, $5, for example, that will go a long way. It's a long shot but desperate times for me right now. If you read this far, share the post, and perhaps donate if you can; this is the last thing that I want to do if you know me personally.
https://venmo.com/u/jamesedgarskye (Its a QR code you need to open in a browser or you can directly find me: 831-287-4369