It's dark.
"Well done, chaps," says one bad impression of a posh idiot.
It's dark because my eyes are closed.
"Cracking catch," says another.
"Three cheers!" someone yells.
The full group of upper class twits starts a half-hearted, "Hip hip!"
"Sod that for a lark, chaps," says yet another voice. "Chest bump!"
The scream of "Chest bump!" is taken up and then there's a lot of rustling and various "oof!", "jolly good!", "tally ho!" and "old bean!" noises.
I crack an eye open.
I'm lying on the floor of a bamboo jungle as panda bears throw themselves around in an endearingly clumsy manner, giving each other chest bumps. Along with their little red eye patches and their adorably fluffy red ears, it's all too sweet and cute.
Well, aside from the bit where this bunch of fucking idiots scared me so badly I literally wet myself. Twice.
I may have to kill them. Given the size of their currently hidden teeth, this will take a bit more planning.
My neck aches as I slowly lift my head from the ground and look for my guide. Maybe they've already eaten the monstrosity while I was passed out. Unfortunately, they haven't. The thing is right there, angular limbs and androgynous features broadcasting one long, continuing moment of "oh, shit" to the world.
"Well, this dream sucks," I mutter.
"Shh," my guide hisses. "Not while the Hunt is still here."
"They're not going to kill us anyway?" I ask.
The expression re-arranges to something closer to "I wish".
"They don't eat people?" I ask.
Angular hands are waved in a "calm down" gesture.
"Chaps?" says one of the pandas. "I think one of our quarry wants to play some more."
"Jolly good! More sport!"
My guide flops, eyes closed. If I didn't know better, I would say they had fainted away. However, I know better. They're playing dead to avoid...
"What do you think it is?" one of the pandas says as I'm hoisted in the air by a couple of heart-stoppingly fluffy paws.
I bet the bastard thing even has cute toe beans.
"You do smell rather queer, old thing," it tells me.
I snarl. "You don't smell so great yourself."
"I say, old thing, we have a deal for you," says the panda, totally unphased, "If you run, we won't eat you."
Behind it, its friends snigger and giggle. It glares at them.
"And if I don't?" I ask, not prepared to run away from them if teeth are not on display.
It bares its teeth. I realise my bladder is empty. I'm relieved. However, my legs still don't feel like running.
"Yeah, I'm going to need a better deal than that," I say as loudly as I can. It's a shame it comes out so squeaky.
The panda looks disappointed. "You figured it out." It sighs. "Fine. We admit it. We're vegetarians. We won't eat you either way."
"Vegetarians?" I ask, thinking of sharp teeth.
"Yes," says the panda. "We will, however, pull you apart with our bare paws."
The gang of pandas behind it flex their paws. Their claws are no less wicked than their teeth.