Have you ever desired those people who traumatized you in many ways? Have you ever wondered Why you miss those people in your life who forced you and pushed you into danger where you cannot feel safe for the rest of your life?
Our brain is complex, and when trauma enters, it stops functioning the way we want. Most of the time, it grabs everything around us as a threat. When my brain gets activated under various dangers, it immediately looks for safe space. The nexus of neurological wires play with your body like soothing destruction. It is like a drug that makes you comfortable for a while but damages your body and mind in all possible ways.
I am struggling to eradicate this drug from my mind and body. I figured that the desire to go back to the people responsible for my trauma was false during the healing process.
I spent many sleepless nights in uttermost pain, along with the thoughts of killing myself to understand the desire of people who hurt me the most.
My therapist said there is two part of your processing inside your brain. One is broadly affected by trauma and depression. He spends most of the time in fear and does not want to process or go back to anywhere close to the people or things responsible for his fucked up mental health. Another is Moi-Moi. (I named the other part of mine) Moi-Moi acknowledges the challenge and tries to develop strategies to address all the difficult parts with the essence of love and care.
I was hurt and wounded by people without learning the process of healing. In contrast, Moi-Moi understands the procedure and importance of healing. When my brain knows about the other part of mine i:e, Moi-Moi, It recalls the life I lived in the past around the information instead of values. That information of "love and caring" forced me to get manipulated by the people who were glorifying themselves as my lovers and caretakers. They forced me to keep the need for self-care and self-love aside.
The most traumatized part of my brain is still active as a primary processor. It cannot establish a sustainable connection with Moi-Moi, who is now addressing self-love and self-care. But, while trying to develop the relationship, I figured out that my desire to go back to the people responsible for my trauma is not because of their love. It is the idea of love that I have been expecting from them since childhood. These ideas were fed to my brain by the same people who hurt me in the past.
It is another story to understand why they didn't follow their teachings.
When I deal with the feeling of wrongful desires, my body stops taking and command of self-care from Moi-Moi. It reacts only in self-sabotage mode or goes completely numb most of the time. Though I can now separate the love and idea of love, I still sometimes deal with the thoughts of wrongful desires. But, with the help of my healers, I can eradicate the thoughts of self-destruction. I still try to help myself not go numb and establish a proper connection between the old me and Moi-Moi.
I am learning to put self-love over the traumatized part of the brain by establishing the connection between both. In the process where I want Moi to be seen and heard, I go through many moments when I want to cry or scream. This reaction comes because I do not want to get stuck with the trauma again. I am now managing the behavior and trying to control myself with the hope of healing.
Instead of escaping from my triggers, I am now creating boundaries to be in a safe space.