It was not an idea of love or care towards people I decided to go back a few days back. Unfortunately, it was unavoidable, and my defensive guards forced me to visit my most trigger zone. Somewhere my mind was ready to enter the dangerous area Voluntarily instead of triggers to come to me as a surprise. Before entering my trigger zone, I did many calculations in my mind. During this process, I could feel the pain and stress all over my body.
I was raised in a patriarchal family. As a boy, I have been taught not to express my feelings or emotions as it is a sign of weakness. This teaching made me a person who keeps himself silent when something hurtful happens. Mostly, I choose silence to avoid conflict and give my agency to someone. At that moment, I was unaware that it was creating a volcano of unprocessed thoughts inside me. I have talked about it in my story "Trauma and Unprocessed Thoughts," where I mentioned how it affected my life.
As healing is a complex process, and many times, we cannot think or process it in the right way to keep ourselves away from stress. I had a long discussion with my therapist about unprocessed thoughts. She helped me deal with them with compassion and curiosity. But, as the situation changed and I decided to go back to my trigger zone, I started building my thoughts of escaping from any triggers. I planned to visit my family for three days in which I decided to be with them for a few hours.
I was going through a lot of pain and anxiety during this process, and suddenly my mind started playing with me. I chose to intoxicate myself to escape reality for almost two years as I was afraid to process my past. For my brain, anything which stops me from processing the past is escapism. It was the only definition running in the nexus of my brain. So, When my other part, whom I recognize as "Moi-Moi"(I have talked about different parts of the brain in my story "The Wrongful Desire"), started building healthy boundaries to keep away from triggers. The traumatized part of my brain was denied acceptance and started yelling escape, escape, escape.
When I talked about this to my therapist, she made me realize that I am not escaping from anything. I am creating healthy boundaries because I know the people I am going back to are unsafe. Anything which makes you feel safe is part of self-care and self-love. In such an unavoidable situation, my brain may often deny the new thoughts of healing. The unlearning process of the brain will take time, and the only thing present is demand is not to lose the agency.
There is a woman in my life; let me name her "Tuk-Tuk." Apart from my therapist, Tuk-Tuk helped me understand the importance of agency. She helped to create an aura of self-love around me. As trauma forces put defensive guards on, It took me time to accept her as my safe space. Though I accepted her as my safe space somewhere in my mind, I had difficulties carrying this information to the traumatized younger Ankit. There were many reasons for not accepting her love, and one I managed to recognize. When I saw my old psychiatrist and therapist, I was unable to connect my body and mind with healing. It is not because any of my previous healers weren't qualified but because my mind and body were denying cultivating those relationships together.
When I managed to connect my mind and body with my new healers, a sense of love and understanding towards Tuk-Tuk started breathing. I thought she was trying to control me or ordering me to do things like others responsible for trauma; I found she was asking me not to lose my agency and take a compassionate stand for self-love.
When you go through any trauma or depression, you only focus on one part of yours, but the truth is there are many parts of you inside your brain. I managed to find one part of mine whom I named "Moi-Moi," and so far, I believe this is the part who recognized the love of Tuk-Tuk.
When I was asked by the therapist how things are changed for you in this particular period, I realized it wasn't only my therapist who helped me to heal. It was a combined effort of so many people, including myself. I have yet to develop the connection of all those, but I managed to connect three of my healers. My therapist helps me understand the processing of my brain, my psychiatrist who helped me calm my body from sensation, and Tuk-Tuk who is helping me to unlearn my patriarchal teachings to express my real emotions.
My therapist said you had cultivated three beautiful relationships.
So when I went to my old place where potential triggers were waiting for me. I was self-present, hugging these new relationships somewhere in my mind, which helped me unburden my trauma and unprocessed thoughts with compassion and curiosity consequences.
The healing of my traumatized body and mind is very long, and I know there will be times when I will feel scared again of losing my agency. I will lose my mind and body connection and may feel overwhelmed during this process.
The only thing I know I won't lose is the curiosity to find more parts of mine to cultivate more beautiful relationships and keep coming back to myself.