One time in my elementary years, I had a white pair of sneakers that were too big for my size. In my eyes, it was the cutest pair of sneakers I have ever seen in my entire life. You could say that it had a good quality like that of Keds women shoes and I that it was nicely bagged inside a cute canvas pouch. However, no matter how much excitement I had overflowing inside me, I could not wear it; just not yet. The active feeling comes with deferred moment. It was still big for me. I told myself that I will keep it so that when I grow bigger and my size grows bigger, I could use it.
Being a child who was raised in a family where decent living is what we could, the sneakers were almost what I only had. Most of the things I had were from the daughters of my mother’s friends or if not, hand-me-downs of my sister; thus, having a new sneakers put a smile in my face. My other things are usually random stuff – hairpins, keychains, old magazines, medium-sized stuff toy, old wristwatch, etc. You see, I am a Cancer and I put emotion and sentimental value to those things. I keep them not because I didn’t have toys to play with but because I find comfort in them. Looking at each of them felt like I was spending my lazy Saturday afternoon listening to the waves of the sea, watching the birds fly until the end of the horizon or sleeping in a hammock with beautiful dreams. It made me sip in a cup of memories and made me think of the good ones. They are my friends, indeed, the memories. They constantly lulled me to goodness and comfort and home. I knew that when I am sad, I can have them; and so they were.
When we had moved house, we wanted to remove all the unnecessary things we have had. I was a bit nervous but I know what I had to do – prepare all my stuff because Mama would be upset with the random things I got. How wise I was before I made sure that they were properly arranged and packed so my Mama would not notice I slipped my mini memory collection. Two days later, I was unpacking my things, rummaging around the many things; I could not find the right pair of my sneakers. For a moment, I was stunned and next thing I felt was a heavy heart and a lump in my throat. I searched and searched and asked people in the house if they saw it but no one ever did. The other pair of my sneakers was gone.
As a child whose happiness could be found in the simplest things, I felt like the universe never wanted me to be happy. I could be happy even I did not have those sneakers in the first place; but, the fact that I did, the memory and dreams I kept with it, and the hope of one day I got to have a chance to use it to make memories as well. I guess that was the dream and that was where my pain came from.
I know I needed to forego because it was just a pair of sneakers, I would have a new one maybe soon, or when some random person who believes that I was the child who lost the right pair of her sneakers would give me. Funny, though. Now that when I think about it, there’s a big what if in my mind and gradually gives me a smile and quiet laughs for I know that my young me taught me how to dream and take good care of memories and people and relationship. Unknowingly, the lost shoe gave me more than I asked for it.