This quote right here speaks so much volume to me. When I say this it is in relation to my childhood and now as an adult. Growing up I had no choice but to adhere to what was expected of me from home to school. Even as a child playing and exploring her world I mustn't be too loud.
Basically saying I could not be me and anything that wasn't considered normal was forbidden to be explored. How can a child or teen live up to so many expectations of a world they have yet to understand? Only observe what should not be. Yet crave to be so much more.
Now with so many years passing and being in this place, I am proud to be at. Life is truly a big question. For me to even get to this point I had to reframe how I saw things in the world. Beyond family traditions and societal norms. Shedding what no longer resonated with me or really never did in the first place.
Before changing what I believed I was molded to be the perfect citizen. Until I went against societal norms, shocked the family & foster care system, and was judged beyond measure. Even asking me "what happened to you?" You fully know damn well what happened to me but wanted a response.
Life had taught me that not only will my peers judge me but my guardians too, these very "adults" would condemn me for being too sexually expressive. Yet my body would be violated by grown-ass men before I ever came into womanhood or a choice in the matter. All of this to say this pushed me to question everything and everyone. Even my own play of creating pain into my own experiences.
The women around never protected me. The men violated. Yet I still carried so much love to give just for someone to love me the same. The love I lacked from my mom and dad. Or so I thought. We all crave to be connected. To understand this connection I had to see everything from a broader view and not just from my own experiences in this matrix. I can go as far back as when my great-grandparents lived in Ponce, Puerto Rico. Generational trauma is real.
Life back then was very different for women and men. Today I have the freedom to be who I am. I am the manifestation of the women before me who paved this path of self-actualization. I believe everyone has a voice in their experiences. And the strength to change what does not resonate within us. Now to believe in one's self takes deep inner work. Asking all the questions through meditation and reflecting in my journal on what came up for me. I can understand my habitual patterns and addictions.
Things that don't ascend me to the next level of healing. This work takes time but is one I am truly grateful for each day. Every day is a good day to ask one's self, "Am I living authentically?", "Am I happy?", and "What can I learn from my experiences throughout the day?"
My heart is so full right now knowing that I CAN do what my mother and the women before her could not. My experiences will not be dimmed down to make someone else comfortable. My voice gives hope to others that they do not have to sit in silence. Crazy to think I am building the foundation for my children that no matter what others believe if it violates you in any way you DON'T have to stay silent. Even if I am the one causing the pain.
Yes, I said it! We all hurt our kids one way or another. But that's another topic for another day. So I leave you with this ---- Question your reality, question your past, question your relationships and anything else you desire to heal from. Life can teach us so much if we take that step back and see what the universe is trying to tell us.
Are you living authentically in your existence? How will you set yourself free? Living your best life by being YOU. We need more of that now more than ever.
Now go and love up on yourself! You deserve to be happy, healthy, and whole. You are worthy of the life you desire to exist in. To create that reality today. YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR REALITY.
XO, Christina "Conscious" Vasquez
P.S. Don't forget to join me on Instagram and follow me @conscioussoulcare_ for updates and more fun ways to heal. Can wait to see you there. Take care love.