Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash
I love writing. But to be honest this takes on a whole new meaning for me. It's midday on a Wednesday and I am here making sure I do what I said I'd set out to do. Not to prove anything to anyone but to hold myself accountable.
For a long time, I've wanted to start a blog. Sadly I've always felt like who would want to listen to my experiences. Why would it matter to those listening or reading? While also knowing that one particular experience kept me isolated. A story for another time and when you become a member the details get spicy.
Obviously, I no longer feel the same way as I did when I was seventeen years old. So it brings me to this part of my journey to finally take control of the narrative. I am the black sheep and these are my experiences.
A Rambunctious One, Are You?
Today I am talking about my home and how I was raised. Sensitive topics will be intentionally left out.* It's a doozy.
Here we go. Cool. I was born and raised till 11 years old in Brooklyn, NY, and currently have been living here with my children and husband for the last 13+ years. I am ready to move but I digress.
When I was an infant my mother visited her parents. Not sure what happened between that time but I ended up being raised by them. They were my grandparents.
From my research into the history of my upbringing, I found family court documents. I read the documents from top to bottom and discovered my mother had abandoned me to their care. As for any loving grandparent, my grandmother went to court for guardianship. I was three months old when my mom left me behind with the very people who'd someday hurt me as well.
Moving forward I'm now five years old. So much energy inside of me I was a rambunctious child. Everywhere was my playground. There was nothing that my imagination couldn't take me. I have many good memories but I also remember that I wasn't exactly accepted for my energetic spirit.
For goodness sake, I had broken my grandparents’ bed twice. Yikes! Even gained a scar on my thigh from the sleeping cot that was folded in front of the bed. I really thought I was invincible. Until the disapproval of my grandfather's face said "Oh imma bout to whoop some ass!" Eventually, my grandfather learned to just take me outside and get all this energy out of me.
Not Everything Is As It Seems
I was an active, loving, and curious child. Most teachers had nothing but great things to say about me. Yet I couldn't shake off the reality of what home was like. I remember the first time he touched me. I was asleep.
I won't go into details because the topic is triggering to some people and something I feel can only be shared with people who mean no harm to me. It's my own way of feeling safe from prying eyes who need not see or hear. At least not yet.
For so long I felt different. I felt out of place but soon my journey of living behind the title "shy" began. To see the difference now that I am an adult I am in awe of how well someone can pretend and say they love you but could never fully accept you from the start. How can someone not unconditionally love what they have raised? Why was my energy dimmed?
As I get older I am loving every piece of who I am. Even who I was in between the trauma. Accepting all had its part to play. Not to harm me on purpose but to give me purpose. It never makes sense in the beginning. It doesn't even make sense when you reach the age to make decisions for yourself. I thought I knew a lot about life but becoming an adult was only the beginning.
A Journey With Purpose
A long journey but one filled with love, compassion, forgiveness, curiosity, and understanding. Learning I cannot be of service to anyone until I serve myself what is needed to ascend to another level. Gaining more wisdom than I ever expected to receive in this lifetime. Choosing to forgive and love. Choosing myself for once instead of looking for others takes on me to have a reason to like myself.
This journey has brought me tears of joy, laughter, and sadness(with purpose). I am surrounded by amazing people who love me. I am learning to be my own friend every day. Encouraging myself to be the best I can be each day. Some days are harder than others but I know the inner work is being done. I can say I am at a different place. Viewing it all through a different lens. Am I happy though? I’d like to think so.
I actually like who I am and who I am becoming. I am in love with learning. I am grateful for the freedom to do so. I am grateful to my ancestors for paving the way for my existence. It brought pain but it brought me what I needed to be the woman I am today. I truly believe our traumatic experiences can bring purpose to our existence. So much wisdom in our grasp. If we choose to learn from it.
Welcoming This New Path
With all that being said I like to welcome you into my world. What will you learn from it? Only time will tell us what is to come. I know I am excited for this next part of my journey. It’s one I get to create. My narrative of what I have learned from my experiences. To grow from it and share the wisdom. If I can make a difference in at least one person’s life, I’ve done my job. How do you heal from past experiences? I’d love to learn about my community. So if you’re willing to share, comment below. We all can learn a thing or two about each other.
Again welcome and thank you for being here. It means a lot to be able to share these experiences and lessons with you all. Until next time keep learning, keep growing, and keep ascending. You matter today and always. Much love, peace, and transformation.
We all have the key to heal ourselves. So, I am blessed to be able to share these healing modalities with you all soon.
~XO Christina 