1 year in Sobersville... -June 2021

1 year in Sobersville... -June 2021

Nov 17, 2021

A seed is all you need. 365 days ago, I planted a garden on our 10 by 10 patio. I shuffled my penguinesque, pear shaped 297 lb. body back and forth,for days on end. I risked exposure on my first venture, out of forced agoraphobia, to Home Depot. Dirt, pots, seeds, watering can, check, face mask and paranoid shifting eyes, check. Penguins can shuffle, to maintain a 6 foot radius from all these crazed nuts that should be home. This was day one. I was not going to get an 18 pack of tall boys tonight; instead, I decided to live the quiet life of farming. Planting seeds, bending, squatting, and realizing, how bad my shape had become. A few days before the 297 lbs popped up on the scale, it's digital truth forced a tear, down my cheek. I briefly thought about someday being on 600 lb. life. June 20, a few days before, changed my life forever. My oldest son, who lives 2 hrs south, told me he needed to talk with me, he was in town already, at his best buddies house. We ended up going for a drive to the mountains, decided on a pizza lunch at this legendary haunt, in Colorado. We were standing by this river, and after several hrs of small talk, I felt the elephant trudge in the grass behind us. "Dad, You are going to be a grandpa."

I immediately stood from my riverside boulder and embraced him. I could see in his face he was anxious and lost. Tears, and hugs and a few congrats later, we enjoyed a slow stroll, to the best pizza ever; honestly it could have been little Caesars. This was the kind of thing I dreamt of all those drunken evenings. As lunch unfolded, I learned my reaction was the opposite of others in the family, and he was exuberant at my calm demeanor. Little known to him, I was royally freaking out inside. I'm now at Death's door, should I buy some tennis balls for my walker, does Costco have tapioca? I never even went to Vegas, too old now, Laughlin or Reno for this ol timer. I took extreme care in my actions that day. A life of drinking had all but consumed me, after an epic, torrid divorce. I had basically given up, a few years traveling and working dead end jobs, running from reality. My son, and his brother and sister, left behind in my self-consumed depression, moments like these, were few. The fact he drove a total of 4 hrs round trip, just to tell me this news, it shook me to the core. But, it still wasn't enough.....

After dropping him off, I made a beeline to the liquor store. I got home and tore into them with a passion, for oblivion to take this anxiety away. Now, a new generation was coming, another soul to disappoint, to hurt with my self-loathing absence.

During the evening I thought about my grandfather, my dad. When I was 12, my uncle and I took 3 days to clean out whiskey bottles from a turret styled room in my grandpa's old house. For years he threw his bottles in there, through a tiny slanted window above the door. I thought about my father and the years of violence, living under the roof with his beast. How I sobbed in my bed, listening to my mother's cries of fear and pain, promising myself to never drink. Weirdest thing, I kept envisioning a girl in every imaginary visage. The future, me, at peace putting worms on hooks. A happy old man; I thought about how I love my kids, and they deserve a better second half.

So here I am, planting seeds, panting in the ridiculously hot sun. My ever-pessimistic girlfriend, muttered for days on the probabilities of seed growth to fruition. She is from Nebraska, and apparently, a summer of shucking corn during high school instilled a lifelong green thumb. Months later, sober, I have all these seed babies dying on me as fall approached rapidly. All that survived were 3 jalapeno plants; I took them in for the winter.

Taking great care of placing them in the sun, away from the cold window, watering them, feeding them plant food; I even talked to them.

All winter being told that I was wasting my time, peanut gallery voices, yet they are still alive.

  • So here we are, one year later, 77 lbs lost. I drink water now just like my jalapenos. If you zoom in, you can find a solid little trooper in all his spicy capsacious delight, growing like crazy. I told my girlfriend I am going to ride a bicycle from Portland Oregon to Portland Maine starting next June 1, 2022, then I'm going to write a book about it, then I'm going to smash it all together with the book I have been writing for months every Monday night about my life up to this point, and I'm going to be rich... She just laughed and said that's impossible, some people never learn. P.s. There is a great picture in the comments. Her name is Daphni, and when I met her I cried tears of joy.

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