Autism and Depression

You know what sucks?

Depression sucks, not for the obvious reasons though. 


I was diagnosed with clinical depression 28 years ago. 


Like most people with mental illness, I adapted a routine for myself to cope with the days that never end.


This routine consisted of me sleeping for days and days. 


Laying around feeling lower than the dirt beneath the sewer. 


No motivation, No desire for anything life had to offer. 


Then one day my fabulous son came into my life.


But, Depression didn't just up and leave like,  hey man I see your kid's here, I'm gonna leave you alone..


Depression did the exact opposite and said,  hey man, we got another team member now!


Woohoo!


My son is 11 years old and has special needs, he's autistic. 


He requires attention and support 24/7.


I can tell you first hand,  it's rough raising a special needs kid.


Even rougher as a single parent,  rougher still as a mentally ill person. 


There's no time for me to wallow in self pity,  sleep for days etc..


When the darkness comes, I have to work in the darkness. 


It's like trying to navigate a deep dark dungeon with a lighter for light..


It sucks when the person who looks up to you, only wants you to be happy and doesn't understand why you're not. 


Being isolated only magnifies the reasons I'm depressed,  it's one thing to be isolated alone. 


Totally different being isolated with someone who requires nonstop care. 


With no time to wallow, think and work issues out.


I push most things to the side and get on with the business of the day.


This is in no way healthy or a suggested way of doing things. 


It's what I have to do. 


Sometimes I think I died years ago,  and now I'm a superhero in some weird alternate universe living a different version of my past life.


Sounds weird right?


But, how else can I explain the efficiency of everything I do?


The energy I seem to muster up outta nowhere?


The ability to overcome my bullshit, to properly take care of my son?


Yeah, I'm going with resurrected super hero..