Losing my sisters to a drunk driver has put my world in such a tailspin. I have no other way to explain it other than "Paralyzed Grayness". I live in a void. I have every intention to get up and do something. Do anything....write a letter, journal, sing, play my guitar, take a damn shower, exercise....but I find myself sitting in a daze of pain all day, in the same spot, and going through all phases of grief each hour.
I knew I could not do this alone, so I decided to go to therapy. My first session was enlightening and very painful. I had no idea how many layers of pain I have. The last two years have been brutal for my spirit, yet I walk around like nothing is wrong and I don't address it. Isn't that what "black women" do? We carry so much pain and suppress it thinking we can handle it all.
Black women struggle with balancing a family, equal pay, racism, sexism, education, and brutality against themselves and our children, .... whew I could write a whole article on just what we deal with, but I digress.
It took one therapy session to bring out the layers of pain I have been holding in for so long and what set off the bomb was my sisters' death. So senseless and unfathomable.
To me, it's a simple thing. If you drink...you don't drive. You call a friend, you call a taxi, you call an uber but they don't get behind the goddamn wheel of a car. All my life I have known this. We see the videos, we hear the stories, and we know in our heart of hearts that deaths can be avoided. BUT NO, it's still an issue and people die every year from the stupidity of another.
Right now I have NO compassion for the 22-year-old who murdered my sisters. And the word "murder" is not up for debate. I am not going to sit and debate with you on if it was intentional or not. WHY? Because it WAS intentional. She chose to get behind the wheel at .18 over the legal limit. She chose to run the red light and slam into my sisters' car. She chose to try and get out of her car and walk away. So fuck all of that because I'm not wasting one word of debate on that.
I have tried to soothe my soul. I have made tributes to my sisters' but I still have this void and this emptiness inside. Today people express their support by calling, texting, praying, and sending gifts and I am SOOOOO very appreciative. You have no idea how much that means to me. Then the other side of this horrible coin is, in a few weeks they will all go away and I will be here sitting in pain alone. Yes, I have my awesome husband and other family members, but grief is a very unique thing. No matter how much support you have, you still are alone in the darkness fighting demons. How the hell do I face that?
I can't sleep, my nights are full of horrific and fitful dreams. The thing is, I can't remember them when I wake up. I just know I have been running for my life, the adrenaline is still pumping through my body and I was running from the hounds of hell in my dreams.
I don't have the energy to "talk" I see the phone calls but I can't answer. I can't face the questions people have. To answer the questions means. I have to relive it all over. Then the pain comes back like a bolt of lightning and I can't breathe. This pain is unbearable, relenting, haunting, and paralyzing.
I can't let this go. My spirit stirs like a tornado. It is chaotic and frightful. Some of the thoughts I have seem shameful, but I am not ashamed to have them.
This so-called "good-girl" has turned into a dark siren full of rage. My sisters' lives meant something, not only to me but to the world. They were the light that I always speak of. Anyone who knows me knows I always say "BE THE LIGHT" and I mean it with all my heart. Until WE become the light in this world of darkness nothing will change. Yet, my light is dim and fading right now...into the gray light I go.
So I have homework to do. I have a fight to fight....if only I could get my limbs to move and my heart to stop aching so bad I feel it will stop beating.
For today....this post will just have to do.
Photo by George Hoza on Unsplash
#drunkdriving #rage #grief #stagesofgrief #death #emotions