“Hey bro, wanna be my accountability partner?”
Over the years I have had this question posed to me multiple times by well meaning individuals who had recently heard a sermon or read a book that suggested having this accountability person in their life was the key to finally overcoming their natural and/or toxic tendencies.
In the early years as a bible college student and then a new pastor, I was thrilled to be asked this as it was confirmation that I was on the right path to fulfilling my “calling”. I had visions of changing the world through these men who I had a hand in transforming for the better.
It wasn’t long before I realized this accountability thing was hard! PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE!
People JUST want to SAY THEY WANT TO BE ACCOUNTABLE.
As I was going through my classes pursuing a degree in counseling, I realized the truth that accountability that “works” is not one that you are held to, but one that you hold yourself to!
Human nature has a defense mechanism for being HELD ACCOUNTABLE... It’s called AVOIDANCE, LYING, & BEING SNEAKY!
I found those I pursued so I could hold them accountable just became more distant over time and were less that truthful when cornered.
We do not like being parented or policed by our peers; even if it was our idea!
True change does not come from extrinsic sources. Environmental and social boundaries can help create friction and reminders to make poor choices a little harder, but they do nothing for the heart other than harden it and foster resentment.
Prisons may keep the bad actions from happening on the streets; but they do not tend to reduce the desire for the offensive action or reduce the toxic feelings that fuel them.
True reform comes from within. A change of heart and thinking based on new awareness and desire to be different and better FOR YOU & for THOSE YOU CARE ABOUT.
So now I ask more questions before jumping at the chance to be an “accountability partner”.
Why do you want to change __________?
What have you tried so far?
What happens if you don’t change this?
What are you willing to do to reach your goal?
If I find the heart and motive is healthy and a foundation of change is already being built (rather than this just being a reactionary request due to a recent event that has not been pondered and prayed through), then I will help design a plan of accountability where the responsibilities fall on the one who seeks change and my roll is support, encouragement, resources, gentle challenge, acceptance, safe conversation, guiding questions, etc.
If this was a journey... I might be the GPS and the occasional gas station (maybe even passenger now and then); while the one wanting change would have to choose the destination and do the driving.
Accountability only works when it holds itself accountable to another. Never when the “another” has to do the holding, chasing, policing, and parenting.
Know the WHY behind your need to change BEFORE you seek the WHO will help me change part of the journey. If the WHO is tasked with being your WHY... you both will fail.
Blessings!