“Took You Long Enough” – Qui Gon Jinn

I wonder how many people genuinely know what it feels like to be weirded out by the feeling that “everything is, ok?” I have the ups and downs like everyone else but sometimes after a couple of days I’m like, what is this overriding feeling I’m having? I think about it and move on, few hours later it’ll be back…… next morning I’m like “HEAD WTF?!??!??!” “What are you trying to tell me?”

“Ooohhh it’s all good? Well, why couldn’t you just say that then you ambiguous PRICK!” Like I don’t get it often at least announce the 20hrs I get of contentment each week before the event and I can enjoy it, rather than spending 16hrs hours of it trying to figure out that I am actually doing alright, smashing my commitments, swimming, self-care, walking and not hating myself and the people around me. Man, my emotions are up and down like a fucking Yo-Yo. I seem to catch all sorts of feels at the drop of a hat. Like the whole Gambit. It’s so tiring and all I really want is subsistence level contentment and a gin and tonic every now and then.

I managed to half convince myself that I would be able to go to the Insomnia Gaming event at the Birmingham NEC. I said to myself, Im 37 years old, two nights away, loads of people, out of the comfort zone and out on a limb but the me from 17 years ago would have been all over that, jumped in with two feet. The bottom line is I can’t afford it. I want to go and meet mainly my dear friend Captain Noodle but many other people I have been chatting with and hanging with for several years now. I did the math and all in plus spends would have been about 700 quid. Like for three nights and a proper cool event but realistically I just can’t do it. I teased myself with the idea I could raise half and ask my family for the other half??..?? Like I don’t ask for much right? And I don’t but I am so supported by my extended family, my parents and grandparent see to it that my children do not go without and the reason for that is because I have a disability, it means I only deserve subsistence level income. I wasn’t a key worker or anything but I had carved myself out a modest career in Civil Engineering as a Planner and was earning more than twice what I get now. How is that right?

Let me be clear I realise how privileged I am, I have access to healthcare (mismanaged by the current government… perhaps but still I will be kept alive if needed), my children are educated by the state (with a lot of outside help from us 😉). I have clean running water, the ability to take a shower or eat a dinner sourced from all over the globe relatively inexpensively. This is the problem; I am in the top couple of percent in terms of world wealth. I am so far better off than the major majority of the planet’s population…. How has it come to this? The division of wealth is an absolute joke! On the one hand when I write my gratitude lists at night, I always include things like access to clean running water, coffee… a full stomach at the end of the day. Simple gratitude’s, right? 90 percent of the world’s population don’t have what I have but I live in a situation where I start getting resentful because I can’t afford to stay in a shit hotel and meet some friends (not exactly the height of excess) in a city that is two hours away by train I’m in conflict.

I want to go but I can’t but it’s ok at least I have clean running water, right? Seriously these questions traumatise me. “Oh I’m so grateful that my children have access to education but I have to tolerate the consistent failure of these institutions to protect my daughter from bullies because I live in a poor area.” 80 percent of the children at my daughters primary school lived in poverty (including her) so alongside that stigma comes things like behavioural issues, family drama affecting her peers, all sorts of things that impact these children based solely on where they are born which in the long term affects their earning potential and the cycle perpetuates….. Like this shit makes me angry, mad, mad angry but then I write my gratitude lists and feel SHAME for being angry. I have clean running water and a full stomach…. I’m blessed right!?! I think so, my children are dry, fed and warm. When did that stop being enough? When did life corrupt us so much that when it wasn’t enough anymore? Ruthless capitalism has bought us to this. Some random cunt coming along and telling me how much a natural resource costs and that if I wanted to continue to survive, I’d better pay….. seriously? The worlds fucked! End of! We have 100 years tops then it’ll be back to hunting rabbits (rabbits will probably be extinct because the world doesn’t have the climate to support them) I swear down and scrapping with our neighbours over water…..

Having said all that.?!?!?!?  I would like to be wrong. Lol. If you think I am wrong, please feel free to keep it to yourself. I don’t care. Really!. 😉

Before I go! In other news I’m playing an awesome game about a cat!?! What’s not to love?

Love every minute my friends, be kind and aware.

Much Love