I often find it very difficult to talk about how I'm doing mentally and emotionally, I worry that I'll seem whiny or ungrateful. However sometimes it's important to put it out there, not so much for the people who may read this, but for myself. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest in order to move on with my life, such as it is. I've not planned this out at all so it may come across as a bit rambling and self indulgent so please feel free to just ignore this post, like I said it's more for me than anyone.
I've been feeling down a lot recently. I have no idea why, sometimes that's just how it is with me. When I'm like this it seems that every little setback or minor annoyance feels like a huge weight bearing down on me. I also find that I get very upset about social and political issues, to the point that an article about refugees or the climate can reduce me to tears. I firmly believe that the world would be a much better place if more people cared about these issues but I'm often left feeling helpless rather than motivated to change anything which is counter productive.
I've always had spells like this, where the world feels cold and pointless, but they have been far less frequent in the last couple of years and far less severe. Hopefully this means I'm getting better but it does mean that they can creep up on me. When I was homeless I used to wake up each morning expecting to be miserable all day, that was just how it was, now I expect better from myself. Unfortunately this means that when I go through a bad spell now I get angry and upset at myself. I suppose it's because I don't have that excuse anymore. Of course the world was horrible when I was living on the street but if it's still that way now then it must be my fault. Stupid I know but I can't help the way I feel.
I've been trying to write a book for most of the last year, it is not going well. It's not a motivational issue, it's subject. I'm writing a fictional book about a homeless man using my own experiences but reliving these experiences to write them down makes me upset and I stop writing. Or I read what I've written and don't feel that it conveys things well enough so I delete it and try again, and again, and again. Hopefully one day I'll get it done, I'd love to write something that really let people know what it's like out there.
Apart from the bad times I'm actually doing okay mostly. I have my comforting routines in order to keep me balanced, I'm usually able to distract myself with a book or movie when my thoughts get a little dark and my physical health is better than I'd expect considering my years of deprivation.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far, it's been nice to vent a little. With the dark months approaching these kind of posts may become more common (although I hope not) so please feel free to ignore them, like I said at the start this is mostly for me.♥️
P.s. I interspersed my rambling nonsense with pictures from the internet to give you some little breaks from me.