Aka the worst place on earth
Well maybe that's harsh but it is pretty shite here relative to other places in the beautiful historic country of Turkey.
Like it's really not great, unless you're a 16 year old who wants a new football/basketball jersey or fake louis vuitton bag (who tf knows how to spell that one).
It's been set up to cater to the lowest common denominator of tourist type - and for some reason it's aimed at Irish and English people wanting to come and get absolutely wasted for a week and then get a hair replacement or veneers.
So it's not quite what you might envision when you think of the ancient empire of Turkey
But if you want hilariously named shops (see below for Irish people) and humans with bulging heads and purge mask like teeth boy are you in for a treat
Arrival
The ships dock right in the centre of town meaning everything is walkable for the most part which is great. Within 2 minutes of leaving the ship you're into the main town.
Which features the market where there are many many many many men attempting to cajole you into purchasing "genuine" fake goods. Kusadasi market has been set up to entrap you and sell you stuff which looks amazing but in reality is absolutely crap. Much like my album
It's a constant battle of politely saying "no thank you" to people left right and centre. It can be somewhat intimidating because all of the shop owners are male and will work in tandem to attempt to get you to purchase from them. Expect lots of "my friend my friend" and to have your progress impeded at all times!
Be warned if you take a look into any of the shops they will come at you with the hard sell.
However if you are in the market for some dodgy knock off goods you are 100 percent in the right place - The most important thing to know is...
YOU MUST HAGGLE BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE
They will start with an outrageous price which can be 4 or 5 times the actual prices they're willing to sell at so ensure you negotiate! I'm not joking on this. Whatever price they open with the actual price will be a third or a quarter of it.
The good stuff
As a cruise - crew friendly port there's plenty of good bits - cheap food, cheap drinks, cheap haircuts, cheap fake goods
The fresh orange juices - these are the business - for 1 or 2 euro you can get beautiful freshly squeezed juices (they'll squish them right in front of you with the traditional Turkish juicing machine)
Actually in general the fresh fruit stuff is amazing here - it's so plentiful and so cheap. So you can get your hands on incredible citrus fruits and nectarines for cheap cheap.
There's a beach within walking distance of the port and it's fine for a cheeky swim and sunbathe (link below)
https://goo.gl/maps/JoCVVv5d75vtRRa59
There's plenty of way nicer beaches about within taxi distance but if you just have a few hours and fancy a dip it will suffice.
There's also a Starbucks within the actual port itself so if you need to get off and use some wifi you can hit that up. You have to enter your phone number to get a confirmation code but it's all good.
Coffee
Go to Court Coffee Company - it's like a 2 min walk from the big Starbucks (boo) and most importantly and incredibly for Turkey it's all female owned and run.
Now be warned - they don't speak a lick of English and gesturing will be required but the wifi is amazing, the coffee is excellent, the decor is fantastic and they have a beautiful set up!
Huge open space, an outdoor area and loads of different options for social coffee drinking or for getting the head down and working.
They also have lactose free milk if you're one of those weird non dairy people like me
Added to this there are a few cute cats that hang out around the place and Cillian Murphy looks down on you whilst you consume your coffee
Port Rating
All in all I don't really like it. But in terms of meeting the basic needs of food, drink, beach, sun, wifi and a bit of shopping it's fine. But it has little to no class or quality about it. It's a shite party town.
I'd be interested to hear from people who have gone further afield and explored a bit more of the surrounding area because I'm sure there are ample treasures to be found within easy reach.
5/10
(here are some sleepy Turkish boys enjoying a nap)
