My life has been nothing but difficult from the time I popped out of my mothers womb. Between her drug issues, neglect, and personal traumas, I was left to my grandparents and then to basically fend for myself. They’d already raised 5 kids of their own before my brother and I showed up like Little Cesar’s hot and ready pizzas on the scene. I feel so sure they were tired and resentful of the responsibility of us that was bestowed upon them. Due to two stoners that fucked in the 80’s that don’t even like each other any more, my grandparents got stuck with a whole lotta “I didn’t ask for that bullshit”.. Who could blame them for letting my brother and I run around like hoodrats? They’d finally moved into a forever home to retire in and plop come a 3 and a 4 year old onto their lap to be raised.
I was loved by them though. My grandparents. So very much. I could talk on and on over millions of memories I have of them locked away in my mind. Each I hold so dear, and cherish. They poured their heart and soul into my brother and I. They wanted so badly for us to succeed. Unfortunately, life had different plans for me, and I guess him too, but this is about me.
I spent many Sunday’s growing up being religiously indoctrinated and then sexually abused by an older family member. None of which I am here to tell you about today. 😦 I’m sure I’ll share here someday, and if you look hard enough you’ll find posts on my Instagram or Facebook where I’ve shared pieces about it, but for now those thoughts lie on a dusty old shelf somewhere in the back of my brain, to be thought about another time.
Today, I am here to shine a little. I’m here to share a about me and how I ended up on this journey of sharing all about me. I’m here to tell you that my past has made me who I am today, and without the experiences I have gone through, I would not be the Aeh (or Fonz) you see in front of you. I would be different. Less even, I don’t know, maybe more. Simply not me. I wouldn’t be able to stand up and share my relationship with PTSD and how it takes control over my life from time to time. I wouldn’t be able to share any of the homeschool successes I have with my 3 babies or how I’m finally able to look at my them with joy instead of angst and resentment. I’m here to tell you today that I’m a little bit more okay. I’m a little bit less afraid and I’m shining a little bit brighter today. All of that, my Starlings, is perfectly okay.
I have come so far on this journey. The one I like to call my “wellness journey”. My great awakening. I’ve come from a place of hating myself and wanting to disappear from my existence to putting myself back together again and wanting to share almost every piece of it. As I’m walking this path, the one where I’m bettering myself, finally getting well. I imagine a tendril of magic trailing from my fingertip and all I see is an array of beautiful and vibrant of blooming flowers growing around every thing I touch along the way. I see so much beauty forming at the surface, just you wait and see.
I may never be perfect. I’m not always put together, but me and my fragile brain have an understanding. We know that I may not have succeeded at much more than being able to allow my emotions to control me up until recently, but I’m changing that now. I’m slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin, in the environment I am in, and who I’m with. I’m becoming me. The versions of me hidden deep inside that have always been too afraid to shine. There has been far too much rain during this life I’ve been given to stop letting it wash away all the trauma I’ve delt with now. I may not be in the best spot, or have the most space to grow right now, but just like mushrooms have go through a pile of shit to be psychedelic, I know that now is the perfect time to let every piece of me come out to enjoy the sun for a little while.🌻
xoxo Aeh Monroe
(Or Fonz whichever you like is fine with me 🤷🏻♀️)