Oct 19, 2021
7 mins read
Here is a short article I wrote about identity and being transgender. It’s just a kind of response to the push back and judgement I experience when engaging the spiritual community, both internally and from others. Writing like this is part of my own healing and service. Because these topics are only becoming louder in our world, as humanity explores what identity actually is and what it means.
I wrote about this quite recently but feel called again to share – this time with a little of my own story. It’s a call for Unity, Community. It’s not meant to call anyone out, but instead to call attention to the Separation Consciousness and Judgement we are all running internally to varying degrees.
In these last 18 months I've been seeking and asking to find community, especially as 3D support systems fall away from my personal life and my locality. And generally it's been quite a lonely past few years since I awakened – but it's actually been a gift! It's given me space to find myself, and I always preferred my own company anyway. But the call to find community has been strong and challenging.
I'm discovering that I'm a very sensitive, intuitive and empathic person. But only really coming into acceptance of that quite recently through inner work, courses, teachings, and coaching. I've been resistant to it for many years, wanting to numb out and put on thick armour against people, and the energies I was feeling. My whole life I had been believing the stories the world was telling me that I was ill, or disordered, psychotic, crazy, or too much, etc. So, I have been through this mental illness story to find who I really am, and how my sensitivity is actually a gift.
And also I've also been on this spiritual ego trip I think so many of us go on for a time. Aware enough that ego is a huge factor to negotiate, but unable to truly see what's going on. It's so intense and challenging to navigate. The Dark Night of the Soul has been relentless, but I've come such a long way too.
Most recently I came to find that I was still rejecting myself in ways I couldn't see before. I don't want to do that anymore. And I don't want to hide from the world anymore either, even if it's uncomfortable to come out yet again.
It seems coming out is never 'done'! So rather than not saying anything and letting others just work it out for themselves as I usually do, here it is, up front.
I'm transgender. And in my awakening journey I’ve become aware that there are all sorts of spiritual theories about the ‘dark side’ of that. And in the few years I've been engaging the truth seeking and spiritual communities I've seen a lot of people judging trans people. Which has been shocking to say the least. And I think there's a lot of validity to the questions they raise, and who knows, perhaps to the stories they tell.
But an Agenda has arisen. It has hijacked and distorted the narrative around groups such as trans people, gay people, autistic people, and other 'kinds' of people. It encourages and inflates ego; stories of victims and saviours; judgement and condemnation; narcissism; bigotry. I don’t mean that this Identity battle is a bad thing, it's humanity working through it's stuff, and healing, but there’s really unpleasant things happening because of this.
Because it plays both sides. Separation needs to separate.
Equally, it's really uncomfortable to have people who are deep in separation consciousness claim to represent the rest of the LGBT community – to represent me – and have their voices amplified and raised up to such an extent. It's created this kind of Identity Monster in the media and pop culture. It's just as uncomfortable for me as the bigotry. Because I've played with that myself.
Ten years ago, when I was coming out, I was very vulnerable. I felt broken, and was deeply grieving a life I lost, that I believed was owed to me. I was welcomed by the LGBT community, found some beautiful friends, but also was kind of groomed into an ideology that wasn't mine. I had a bunch of fun until at last I was exhausted and felt used up, eventually rejected by people who were unable to accept me just as I was.
Hurt people, hurt people, so they say. And I was hurting too. So I grieved again, because my new friends had truly felt like home in a lot of ways. Some of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever met are part of that community. But I needed to move on so I could find my own way again.
So, I'm just getting this out right here. Trans, gay, queer, disabled, spectrum are beautiful experiences, and very much a part of who I am right now. But these being experiences does not define me, but neither does it make them invalid, or false somehow. I have tried to move on, transmute, reject, heal them. It doesn't work. I have come to accept and love them instead. They feel looser, and less constrictive now. I have been open to them going away, and faced the fear of them being taken away even. It just hasn't happened. And so that's only led me into deeper acceptance. And it seems there is always more of that work to do, more Love to allow in.
I don't label myself in these ways very often. Because I'm just me! The Me behind those labels and identities is who I really am – a human person, with a personality, preferences, and imperfections. And behind that I recognise the divinity, the Oneness with God, the truth of Self. So I am learning to love and embrace all these experiences of myself, and be truly whole, holy. Whether I am identified; in suffering; feeling unhealed, disconnected; or whole again; connected; blissful; or just plain old happy – it's all good, right?
It's all accepted, and loved. It's a challenge, and it's what I feel called to share about myself. Because Identity is what our culture is struggling with right now.
So many spiritual people will reject each other for being different and have this idea that Oneness and Unity excludes diversity and that somehow (for example) trans, gay, or autistic experiences will be overcome, transcended, or healed one day. But what if they aren't, ever? What if they are here to stay, and the conspiracy stories we currently hear or witness, are just one small part of a much greater story?
Because in this infinite playground, we get to realise we hardly know anything about reality, and that whatever we let go of tends to reveal itself on a deeper level later on. We also realise we are free to create, call in and receive higher realities and truths. And so we learn to embrace the great mystery of life, rather than creating dogma around misunderstood truth, or wisdom.
I feel aligned when I keep an open mind about all stories, to avoid judgements such as dark or light as best I can. But right now the collective is exploring very uncomfortable narratives around subjects so close to my heart. I just want to be in community because I am simply here, creating and receiving this reality just the same as anyone else, in my own unique and individual way.
And writing this is a kind of placeholder, a line in the sand that says: From here on, I am going to be Me, whatever that means. And I will stop apologising for it, or hiding myself away because of my own mistaken beliefs about others and the outside world, or judgements about myself. I am returning to Love, and that begins right Now.
Thanks for reading
Aeryn. 19th October 2021
#Community #Unity #Transgender #Identity #AboutMe