The intensity I am feeling since the scandal surrounding Bentinho Massaro’s #Cult #SpiritualEgo #Narcissism resurfaced just keeps expanding, deepening.

All this trauma is surfacing from inside of me these last few days. About how I used enlightenment teachings to abandon myself. Especially in the hottest period of my life around four years ago. About how I thought I was done with that, but I’m not.

And I’m experiencing devastating levels of conflict within myself. My mind so desperately wants something to cling onto in those teachings.

But, it’s not that I am rejecting the teachings. I’m seeing how I rejected myself through those teachings.

This is a time to be super gentle and careful with myself. Tears come spontaneously through the day, and memories stream through as I break down each time. A few minutes later I am ok again, nurturing and caring for myself.

Rinse and Repeat. I’m in a washing machine of consciousness. Or my mind is the washing machine. Just sorting it all out. Not deliberately, not purposefully. I’m doing my best not to analyse. But to simply let it happen in its own way.

It’s being sifted, sorted, put in perspective over and over. It’s intense. It’s fast. But it’s ok.

So here I am in my local Costa Coffee with my headphones in and my favourite songs playing, allowing gentle tears to come. I’m tempted to laugh at how ridiculous I might look but instead I am finding it strangely beautiful.

It’s an intense grief. Of all the stuff. You know? ALL. THE. STUFF. Life, the world, relationships, friendships, spirituality, people I looked up to, just everything.

It all got fucked up didn’t it? It all went wrong. None of it went as expected. None of it as promised.

Because. Someone promised something didn’t they? About heaven on earth? About living my best life? About abundance? About happiness and joy? Was it God? Was it me? My spirit guides?

So much grief. A deep, deep welling up of grief and disbelief, shock.

But I do still believe. I do still have faith. God has got me. Us. Somehow. The shift is real. But it looks like a horror story too.

Since 2017 I have been led kicking and screaming by the universe to get back in my body, back in my life. I’ve been on a mission to discover what it means to be a human. Whilst also not wanting to.

Because enlightenment teachings, and self realisation teachings are a fantastic way of avoiding our problems. They can be misused. They can be severely unbalanced.

Spiritual ego programs are tough. They are resilient and clever. Time and time again, I’ve found myself being seduced by them.

Because those teachings are not wrong. They served their purpose. They helped me so much. And I’m sure they will again.

It’s just. How do I human? I have no idea some days.

I barely function. But maybe none of us do. Not really.

It’s just an outpouring of stuff. My history. My trauma. And stuff I recognise, but is not from this life.

Is it psychosis? Is it real? Does it matter?

Enlightenment is great and all. But humans can’t even human. We are so fucked up and traumatised by the way we live in this world and with each other. It’s ridiculous to expect ourselves to simply transcend our traumas.

The greatest achievement Humanity will be known for in the future is that we allowed ourselves to heal. That we deprogrammed. Never mind being enlightened.

Fuck that. Fuck enlightenment. We need to heal.

It’s too big. This is so fucking big. It’s so big we cannot even see it.

Enlightenment is knowing we have a long way to go. Miracles can happen. We can make a leap. But right now we are just pretending.



Here is a really useful video from Teal Swan suggesting why we can get attached to enlightenment:


And another that I haven’t yet watched


#Healing #Trauma #Enlightenment #Spirituality