It has been a bit of an epic wild ride for me these last two months. I started feeling the heat mid-December. And then straight after Christmas the intensity I was feeling inside of me was becoming overwhelming. 

It’s not to say that the intensity wasn’t there already, it’s just – holy crap – the dial got turned up to 11 and then the dial broke. 

It did not ease. It only got stronger. Into January I began to feel like I was losing control. Again. It was a roller coaster of all my beliefs, programs, and traumas coming up again. And again. And again. And never have I felt so alone going through it. 

Over these last two months there have been some real scary moments. But I began to see the fear was me fighting back with all I had. Resisting. Suffering. 

The layers were peeling back. All sorts of memories rising to the surface. Old traumas seemed renewed. I was starting to get real messy and I was not happy about that. At all. 

But it’s not like this is new. I’ve been ‘doing’ this Healing thing for years now. So what is new? It’s the calling: a continuation; an invitation. To go waaaaaaay deeper. To awaken further; to presence; to acceptance, to connection; love; and let everything else be dismantled. 

My job was simple. Is simple. Be able to let it happen. Be able to let go of any idea of control of this. To let it be just as it is. Because this is where the juicy stuff is. 

To allow myself to get messy. To allow myself to sleep sixteen hours a day. To allow insomnia. To allow myself to veg out in front of the TV all day, or the PlayStation. For hours, days, weeks. To let it all hang out. To not clean or tidy. To stay indoors. 

To be depressed. To be scared. To be psychotic. To be lonely. To be anxious. To embrace it all and yet remember I am ok. To have faith. 

To let go. 

All those things we are ‘supposed’ to do to look after ourselves. The most loving thing I could do was nothing. To let myself sink back into me. To forget spiritual practice, meditation, healing and just Be. 

To let it all go. 

It’s hard.

But also these days – somehow – as I am growing and healing, I am becoming more and more conscious, or clear – of what’s going on. 

am healing. I am learning to accept myself as I am. 

Still, I have needed to get support. I have a coach. And after a year of working with her, I am feeling like I can begin to trust her. To get real honest. And open up about what’s really going on inside of me. All that stuff I know that isn’t really me, but still needing it to be fully owned, so that I can move on. 

In the last two months I have learned so much about myself. Or rather – and more importantly – I have been learning what I am not. 

What I am Not. 

What I am not is a lot. It’s a lot to take on, that Not-ness. It’s a lot to bring into the light, into awareness. And then, it’s a lot to surrender. It’s a lot of dying and a lot of being reborn. Ego Death is not for the faint hearted. It is for the courageous. 

I had to choose courage. 

I’m not saying I am courageous. I don’t feel it. But in the end, courage is a choice. Surrender is a choice. It’s not about abandonment, I have done that plenty. 

I got to the point years ago where I couldn’t go on any longer. I had reached my very end. And then I felt had nothing left to lose. So I lost myself, and allowed myself to be found over and over again. 

And how far do we need to be pushed before we choose to let go? It seems like right now, we need to be pushed real hard. To make a choice. To accept what we are not. 

So we may then choose what we are. 

I was lost so that I could find myself. And learn to Love myself again. 

And now in 2022 I am finding that the me that was becoming undone – It wasn’t really me! It never was. It was the program; the matrix; the belief systems; the psychosis; the Not. And so all that death, all that suffering, somehow became a gift, it became ok. It’s ok. This is ok. 

Today I am clear. I am thankful. And I See. 

I don’t know if maybe tomorrow I’ll be back in the thick mud, slow and forgetful; lost and alone. But I know I will have faith. Faith does not leave me any more. Faith is that I know I am finding my way. And I know I will go through whatever I am going through, so I may grow a little more again. So that I may heal again. 

By Aeryn North, 2022–02–13