[Feb 7 2018]
I was asked recently, "What defines you?"
What a crazy, scary, personal, confusing, too much kinda question...
Any web definition will state that it is the 'stuff under the surface' not the things you are, but the things you do that that make up the YOU that is you.
I find myself pondering all of this today - for today is the day I was born. Well, the first time anyway. When I come to think of it, I feel like I have been reborn a few times over. This life of mine has been full of death and disappointment, failures and conflicts, loss and longing... and as the Pheonix is known to rise from the ashes, I have always felt a kinship with that weird bird and thought my ability to carry on (not always with Grace mind you) is one of my greatest assets. "Get back up McLean, this fight isn't over!"
I come by it honestly. You see my late grandfather Frank was a pugilist and the word outside the ring is that he was a damned good one. So I knew to keep my 'dukes up' no matter what came my way. Over the years I have mellowed and that fire inside me has calmed to a nice crackle that is there when I need it, but no longer the force that will rip through my house and burn it to the ground. When I met my fella (almost 10 years - whoa!!) we burned brightly for a good year before we called it off and separated in a big, blow out explosion. I'll take credit for half of that and he will gladly take the other. No need to go into further detail, as we made our way back to one another and that's about as much as I will reveal about his journey to today. But for me, it was time to figure it out ... Just what the hell was I fighting?
I fought for the underdog, I fought for fairness, I fought because I was angry, I fought because I was confused, I fought because I hated being told that I couldn't/shouldn't do something...anything...everything.
'Crazy McLean' has been my nickname since I can remember. I asked a friend about it once (ok yelled) "Why do you call me crazy?"
"Because you do things that people just think about. But just cause you think it, doesn't mean you should do it."
My response to her was "I think the opposite is crazy. We have 1 life that we know about and why not live it to the fullest, by doing the things we want??"
I went by my gut, I trusted it. We are encouraged to do so... And besides what exactly IS crazy? When I look it up now, I'd have to harmonize with my friend. I guess I am a little crazy - because I can totally agree with this definition...
extremely enthusiastic - manifesting sometimes in a wild and aggressive way
Yep. That's me. And the truth is, I topped it off with a bit of reckless abandon because I didn't feel like I had anything to lose. Sure, I had people that loved me, family, friends but self-love is a tricky prankster and can elude you even if you think you are doing it right. What I have learned is that kindness certainly matters, but kindness to one's self is of the utmost importance. One simply can not claim to be truly kind and practice this in the world if the first voice we hear is the one in our head's telling us 'you can't' or 'it's too hard' or 'You're not worth it."
When I woke up this morning I was greeted by my loving husband and beautiful children. I walked down my stairs to the smell of good coffee, a bustling kitchen and my ol' record player blasting out Pursuit of Happiness - 'I'm an adult now'
And I realized it. I'm here. I did it. I made it. I'm an adult now.
Now, where are my shades?
Happy Wednesday everyone. Thank you for reading.
~A