To: All The Men I May Have Pre-Judged

I'm sorry.

The chances are that I was never really sure of how to accept your advances.

No. Let me rephrase that, at times not secure enough to accept your advances.

I wasn't ever sure of your claims.

I didn't believe in your charms and deep gaze.

Or maybe I was secure. Secure enough to say no and pull shut those doors.

//

To: The One I Loved

I didn't think that you were ready to love me and so I left.

So many times I thought of what we could have been, but I left words unsaid.

These words... they stay unsaid...

but now you've made your bed

and I am not the one to lie in it.

My hope is that she will love you truly, so that you are well rested.

May you rest well, my friend.

I say this from a place of freedom and a steady pace.

Only pure love soaking up this space.

Although I no longer love you in this way,

I have you held up, I pray for you and there you will forever stay.

//

To: The One Who Had Said "I was the one who got away,"

My older self sees clearly,

you were definitely playing games.

I wasn't sure at the time, yet still kept you at bay

but I thank God for the grounding and the sacrifices I had made.

I have mad love for you and I know that you meant well,

you got caught up with the boys whilst pretending to be men.

I hope you're enjoying life wherever you are

and loving yourself simply for whoever you are.

You were a good egg.

//

To: The One I Believed.

I do not understand how I could be so deceived.

Oh Analese,

I still applaud you, because you were not so easily appeased.

I almost let you in, let you fill the parts of me I could not heal.

I thank God for the wisdom even within my youth,

because I really wasn't willing enough to dismiss red flags only for temporary truths.

I cared for you though, I even empathised with your broken

but I cannot comprehend how a person like you could pretend to be so open.

I exposed your venom and was able to protect another queen from your sting,

who would have known that you felt dethroned and was an imposter posing as a King.

I feel some type of way towards you, maybe because I started to believe you and was hurt by the truth.

I now know that you deserve my forgiveness because my 30 year old self has nothing else to prove.

I love you too

but maybe because I saw glimpses of the bruise;

but I pray that you have healed and are secure enough now

so that you can truly choose.

//

To: The One Who Never Was

Who was afraid

Who'd make the advances and yet had a wife on the way

I forgive you

I love you too

Silly of me but I met you confused

I wish you the best and hope faith sees you through

At one point I was angry but realised my reflection staring at truth

How dare I? For you were never mine

and thank God that my values were able to keep me in line

I'm grateful for these lessons

So grateful,

I need not speak of guilt

or scrub away at willful transgressions

Thank you for accepting my apology

I hope that you accept yours too

You were always too hard on yourself

Accept that you are loved and our platonic love was living proof

I love you my friend.

I love you so much.

and this is the truth.

//

To: The One Who Got Away,

I see you and I love you all the same

Although it really is not the same

I thank God I knew your name

although differently within waves

Yes, it's different these days

I am grateful for the meeting and the way the path was paved

My younger self was convinced it was you

It had to be you

and faithfully she had prayed

but that's just the way it is...

although things will always change

That's just the way it is

Some things will never be the same.

//

It's a beautiful journey

this life

this love we're so freely given

and never really told how to uphold

How to truly love without condition

even though we know that love is merely just repetition

You see,

I loved you all

and I still do

I'm not through

It's just floating, sitting, resting

sometimes practising kung fu

and kung fu is here waiting for the next sucker

to be my forever lover,

my ever forever lover

is here

waiting

for me.

//

It is me, I am the next sucker!

So to all of you.

Thank you for liking me enough,

loving me to the capacity of your love,

wanting me,

worst still... needing or desiring me,

I thank you for what you gave and took away but most of all...

I'm so sorry that I mis-judged you.

I am so sorry to have judged you.

I wish you all the very best and never doubt that I have loved you.

You have been loved my friends.

With much love and a decent proportion of it,

Analese aka Andy xx