I have to look after an innocent little girl who lives in fear inside of me.

Terrified with gut-wrenching fear by her mother she was always taught to be.

By her mother she was abused, violated, molested, bullied, humiliated, and beaten.

With the word “love” that abuse was typically by her mother cleverly sweeten.

“I abuse you because I love you!” - her mother would without any remorse say.

The little girl felt confused and hurt yet her mother she’d wholeheartedly still obey.

Her mother was a cruel heartless narcissist without any conscience.

She tried to kill the little girl many times without any remorse and with confidence.

The little girl experienced intense, free-floating, unbearable terror every day.

“She’s making shit up! She’s crazy!” - her mother would defensively to people say.

No one believed the little girl. No one ever was there to protect her from her mother.

The little girl detached and dissociated to endure the unbearable chronic smother.

When her pain became too much to bear, the little girl attempted suicide twice.

Then, to cope, she tried alcohol, cigarettes, sex, and every other known vice.

She wanted to run away and hide from her emotional pain and her severe trauma.

She wanted to escape into a peaceful place from her life of insanity and drama.

The little girl lived repeatedly through initiation, intimidation, stigmatization, isolation, helplessness, and self-blame.

Being a perfect and best-ever caregiver to the little girl her mother would still proudly claim.

The little girl was told by her mother that she was stupid, ugly, useless, and worthless.

It turned the girl into a chronic abuse victim who was boundaryless, self-blaming, and forceless.

The little girl inside of me and I are finally building a relationship today.

For years, the trap of toxic positivity and happiness illusion kept me from her away.

Today, alone in bed, I close my eyes and travel deep within to meet that little girl.

She let me hug her, hold her, look her in the eye, and even touch her bouncy curl.

We’re not yet friends. We’re getting there. This work takes time, and so we’re going slowly.

But I assure you that the little girl no longer feels abandoned, trapped, or lonely.

She knows I’m here for her forever and she finally almost trusts me.

The best of friends some day for sure this little girl and I will finally gladly freely be!

#PoemsFromGod by Anna Szabo