when it turned may over the weekend i found i lacked excitement. perhaps its because i had been spending so much of my energy the past month working, organising, doing doing doing, preparing, anticipating that i realised im facing some sort of burn out. or perhaps it has to do with how its the first time in a long while since im in school over the weekend (since last year i think!), quiet without the busyness surrounding me that im having to face up to the tiredness lingering as i went and did and am still having to do throughout may. or perhaps it is because the sun is exchanged for another temporary cold and rain?

april felt so short in part because there wasnt much time for reflection. i had been busy getting work done and preparing work beforehand because i am going to singapore in a few weeks! an entire month before my semester ends, meaning assignments i have to complete, arrangements i have to arrange, a lot of organising, which i remember when i wrote april i had expected. these days it is hard to escape my identity as foreigner because this move has affected every aspect of my lifestyle here. i have to explain to teachers, classmates that i will be away for the end of semester crit and submissions because i had been offered to do a performance back in singapore, which im mostly looking forward to, but its hard to focus on that when i have an unrealistic pressure to manage this transition/disruption as smoothly as possible for everyone involved. i also dont know if "returning" to singapore is the right word for me, that now foreign entity, that now i want to be foreign entity. i want to claim taiwan for myself instead. as much as i have done it so much in the past few years, it is always difficult to just pack up and leave.

i remember for april i said i wanted to organise, and i did organise so much, though that kind of work seems endless, like my website is still in a halfway fix, though my work is going well because i had been moving and moving. for one of my classes i am learning to make three work tables from scratch with two other classmates. ive learnt how to do metalwork, and the importance of detailed measurements because nobody likes a creaky table. other things ive done include a sound walk for a class where we experiment with how to incorporate walking into our projects. few weeks ago i also did a big walking project in taichung where i journeyed about ~4 hours barefoot, tracing a path through the places i had been 2 years ago and now where i encountered magic affinities, relationships important, sites nostalgic. april has been a big walking, moving month. 

then may seems like a continuation of this nonstop movement. there is a certain amount of dread. i feel that i cannot be lazy especially in these few weeks because time is ticking! and i have these expectations of myself. yet today i really dont feel like doing anything. i want to lie down and just listen to music or sleep. i think part of the burn out is that i feel that i have done so much and have not been recognised for what i have done, and then im being expected more. but i know i have been completing my tasks and meeting my deadlines. i get so comfortable with going and doing then suddenly im halted and asked what am i doing? its not the rude shock of reality. its me asking for myself to stop and be taken care of.

i have to remind myself not to close myself off or just focus on my work. i have to remind myself to be grateful! over the weekend i had to do this gargantuan task of deinstalling my work from last semester (november) where i put tape over the entire floor of a room. tearing that off is easy, its having to remove all that sticky residue that makes you want to regret ever doing what you think was such a genius move. my dear friend/s helped. i say help because its not something they had to do but they did. we were scrubbing the floor inch by inch, scratching off that sticky mess. the whole process took 3 days, and i think it wouldve taken more without all that help. i am truly thankful to jyun-yi.

last semester i taped the entire floor of this room

all the tape i removed bunched into a ball!

in the middle of this cleaning up, i went to the beach with friends. it was rare, they said, that people were around on the weekend, and i guess we all wanted to go out and play when the sun was out. it was late afternoon when we got there and i swam in the ocean, so joyous! so unencumbered! so happy (i must not forget these joys)! the waves taking me up and down, my body buoyant, willing to the sun beams. i was even brushed a few times by a jellyfish! it had been so long since i was in the ocean. i think a year ago in singapore it was. it feels different here, perhaps because it is so especially far, and rare, then special. may feels difficult, but im reminded of friends both near and far who are with me on this journey.

the beach!


https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0P6n9AvcLJcSQdifkxNR7K?si=W9V-5Gx2TzGFCtIgSq5CRA

這剛過了的週末帶著五月一起來,我卻沒有感覺到任何興奮。可能是因為我上個月都忙著努力工作,整理,做做做,準備,期待,而導致心累!死了。或可能是因為我很久沒有週末待在學校了(上次是去年!)。那麼安靜的,沒有了忙綠的氣氛圍繞著我,逼我面對自己內心的累,還是要在整個五月繼續忙。或可能是因為太陽暫時被轉換成寒冷,雨水。

因為都沒有時間好好定下來思考,所以四月感覺很快就閃過。我正忙著工作和籌備因為幾週後就要去新加坡了!在學期結束前一個月的時候,就代表要更早把作業做完,把要安排的安排好,很多要整理,這都是我已經為了四月預設的。最近很難避免我的外國人身分就因為這個移動影響了我每天的生活。我需要跟老師同學解釋我期末評圖不會在因為被邀請回新加坡展演一場表演。這事實上是我很期待的,但在當下我很難專注在那個興奮與期待都是因為我有一個理想把這次的這個移動為了大家搞到完美。我不確定“回”新加坡這個詞對我來說是不是恰當的,那異域的,那我想要是異域的新加坡。我想要為自己收下台灣。雖然這幾年都一直在移動,但每次要收拾準備離開都不容易。

我記得我說四月我要整理。我有整理了好多,但那種工作總覺得做不完。網站還是放著半完成的狀態。工作方面好像不錯因為有一直在跑,一直在做。為了一堂課我正在學習怎麼和兩位同學一起做三張工作桌。我學了怎麼做簡單的焊接,還有怎麼精準的量尺寸因為沒有人想要有不穩的桌子。在另一堂課,我正在做聲音搭配一個行走的路線,學習怎麼有走路來創作。幾週前我也進行了一個走路的計劃,在台中赤腳走路~4小時,回顧兩年前和現在去過,走過的地方,那些讓我遇到緣分的地方。四月真的是大走路月。

五月好像會延續這個不停的移動。有點討厭。我一直感覺特別是在這幾週內不能偷懶因為時間在走!這些對自己的期待。但今天就真的什麼都不想做。想躺著聽音樂或睡覺。這個心累厭世的感覺是因為我覺得自己一直做了很多卻沒有被重視或看到,反而其他人還要求更多。但我理性的知道我是有好好把我要做的做好,時間也有抓好。在一直行動移動的當下我很舒服,讓後就被突然打斷,問:「我在幹嘛?」那不是回到現實的驚嚇。那是我跟自己對話,叫自己停下,叫我要好好被照顧。

我需要提醒自己不要把自己封閉或只是專注在工作上。我需要提醒自己感恩!這剛過了的週末我面對了天大的任務,要把上學期(11月)在一間工作室裡貼滿膠帶的地板全部拆掉。撕掉還算容易,是那些被留下黏黏的東西會讓你後悔一切。我有親愛的朋友幫忙。我說幫忙是真的因為那是他們完全不需要做但還是做了的。我們慢慢一寸一寸的把地板刷乾淨。整個過程要了三天,如果沒有人幫我可能要更久。我真的真心感謝俊熠。

上學期在地板上貼滿了膠帶

撕下的膠帶揉成一個球!

在處理整理膠帶的過程中,我和朋友到海邊去玩。他們都說週末有人在很難得。我們都想乘太陽出來時出去玩吧。下午到了海邊我就立刻下海水。開心!自由!真的很棒(不能忘記這些喜樂)!波浪帶著我往上往下,身體漂浮著,享受太陽。我還被水母掠到幾次!我很久沒有下海水了。上次應該是在一年前的新加坡。這裡感覺不一樣,可能因為海邊特別遠,特別難的。五月感覺會很難,但我記得了在旅程中有周圍的朋友也有遙遠的朋友一起行走著,支持著我。

海邊!


https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0P6n9AvcLJcSQdifkxNR7K?si=W9V-5Gx2TzGFCtIgSq5CRA