this one is late. and quite a dry sobering write (or read, i think). but i put it out still to document my time and experience.
a week after i last wrote for september, i faced an unexpected contractual problem with my scholarship in taiwan. i was notified that it was to be revoked and i had to pay back a large sum of money. on top of that, it also meant i will not have a monthly allowance and have to pay for school fees out of my own pocket until i graduate in another year or so (or leave). as anyone can imagine, this news distressed me, impacted my everyday mood and made me rethink my reason for being in taiwan.
i have started an appeal process since, communicating with the taipei representative office in singapore, my school, and the ministry of education in taiwan. i had to prove that i am a "worthy foreigner" and can contribute meaningfully to the bilateral relations between taiwan and singapore. i had to go out of my way to reach people in positions of power to support my case. that is a lot of formal writing, calls, discussion, strategising, and the most dreaded of all: waiting. it reminded me of how difficult it is for citizens (let alone foreigners) to challenge set policies and SOPs, which are often dated and alienating. i learnt multiple things from this process that is still ongoing:
foreigners will always be second-class citizens in the eyes of the state
nobody in an institution likes to take responsibility, it is always someone else's problem
policies and systems, though seemingly efficient, are ultimately dehumanising
there is always a choice, but any choice holds consequences to bear
right now, i am awaiting a response from all parties about whether the large amount of money i "owe" can be waived, and if i can continue being on the scholarship. i wont go into details here because the situation is already as complex as it can be. in the meantime, i am trying to continue enjoying living here, and think up attempt ways of financing myself. if you want to and are able to, you can help me by offering a one-off donation, or keep up a monthly subscription here on buymeacoffee. these help me immensely in the meantime as i work to figure out what sustaining myself can look like in the coming months and years. in all this, i am grateful for the support, big and small, from people around me, the teachers, friends old and new, strangers, without which i would have given up.
in the past month i considered many possibilities. what if i left school, what if i left taiwan, what if i went back to singapore, what if i went to another mfa programme somewhere else, what if i "gave up" and just went for a boring stable job? perhaps the important lesson in all this is that i realised i do want to be in taiwan and complete my masters thesis project. so now i just have to find ways to be here. some years ago i heard from my dad that im someone who needs an enemy. i wasnt sure what that need meant, but i am slowly realising over the years that it means i am someone who needs some form of competition in order to motivate, to move. are we such simple beings? are we such violent beings? must we require conflict to grow? are there non-violent ways to exist and flourish? i search...
這次遲了。這篇寫著跟讀著有點索然，有點清涼。但為了紀錄我的時間跟經驗還是要放。
寫完上次九月的信的一週後，我意外面對了跟我的台灣獎學金有關的合約問題。我收到了通知說我的獎學金被廢止了，而我必須交還一大筆錢。加上，這代表我不再會有每月的生活費和我如果要繼續讀多一年畢業的話我必須自己付學費。你能想像收到這通知讓我很苦惱，影響了我每天的心情，也刺激了我檢討自己留在台灣的理由。
我目前正在一個上訴的階段，跟新加坡台北代表處，學校，和台灣教育部溝通著。過程中，我必須證明本身是“值得的外國人”，可以為台灣跟新加坡的國際交流帶來好處。我還需找辦法聯絡有權利影響支持我的案件的人士。那代表準備書寫多數的正式文件，通電話，討論，策略，還有那最討厭的部分：等待。這提醒了我身為一個國民（外國人不就更難了）要挑戰定型的政策和SOP是多難，那些法規和流程是多麼過世多麼非人的。在這還在持續的過程中，我學了些東西：
外國人在國家眼中永遠是第二等
在機構裡沒有人是希望負擔責任的，問題總是其他人的
政策和系統，雖然表面上有效力，最總是殘忍的，是不在乎「人」的
選擇永遠存在，但每一個選擇都有必須承擔的代價
如今，我還在等每個部門的消息，等待確認我“欠”的錢是不是還要還，等代確認我是不是可以繼續拿獎學金。因為事件已經過度複雜了所以我不再著投入細節的分享。同時，我試著繼續享受在這裡生活，思考賺錢的方法。你如果有意願也有能力，你可以在buymeacoffee透過一次性的捐款幫助我，或是每個月訂閱支持我。當我在這幾月這幾年繼續探索怎麼維持自己時，以上的募資方式會在這過程中幫助我許多。在這所有當中，我感激大家大大小小的支持，周邊的老師，新的舊的朋友們，陌生人。卻少了你們，我真的可能已經放棄了。
這過去的一個月時間我考慮了很多的可能性。離開學校，離開台灣，回新加坡，去別的地方讀研究所，“放棄”而找個無聊穩定的工作。可能在這整件事的過程中我學到最重要的是我其實很想在台灣繼續完成我的碩士論文計畫。那，我現在就要找方式讓我繼續在這了。幾年前我聽我爸說我是需要一個敵人的。當時不太了解，但我漸漸在這幾年開始諒解他的意思就是說我是一個需要競爭比賽才有動力，才能動的人。我們究竟就是那麼簡單的生物嗎？我們就是那麼暴力的生物嗎？我們是否真的需要衝突才能成長？有沒有不暴力的方式讓我們存在，興旺？我尋找中...