nov-dec
since i last wrote more than a month ago, so much has happened. so much that i cant seem to put myself in a comfortable headspace to write this on time. there seemed so much to document and put to words, there seemed so much work to do, everything seemed so significant, everything felt so intense, and i wasnt always ready to do these things, life kept getting in the way. i guess thats a good thing.
quick update about the scholarship issue (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/artnaming/n-a-1423937). it has been terminated. after the endless communication with many parties, discussions with many people, reflecting and retelling the whole incident (so tired, i am so tired of having to tell this story again and again. i am thankful for friends who have shown concern and have angered with me but i am so tired of trudging through those events and emotions repeatedly), i have reached a compromise i am willing to accept. i will be returning a smaller portion of the living allowance the scholarship had been giving me for the previous semester (~$2000SGD / 40000NTD$) that i will be working and finding ways to pay off. the school has kindly offered (privately) to help cover the other larger portion of that money. it is not ideal given that i will have to continue my education without the promised scholarship expenses (school fees, living allowance) while having to pay back a sum, but i have come to accept this as a reality. perhaps my weakness here is that i am too willing to admit my own fault, that indeed i was the one who signed the scholarship agreement even if there was indeed an administrative hiccup (school) that led to my scholarship (from the ministry of education) being terminated. perhaps it is true the institutions and larger bodies of power are always quick to put the blame on the (powerless) individual whenever problems arise. perhaps they are all evil. perhaps i am foolish for accepting all this because on paper it means that all this is my fault to bear. perhaps i should fight and demand for a little longer. in any case, i made a decision, even if i feel and question these and more as i continue my time. in the following months and for the rest of my education i will be finding work and ways to cover those finances. thank you, everyone, who has offered me financial help through this platform or otherwise. thank you also to those who have been supporting me through your anger, listening to me, affirming me. maybe i will talk about all this in full detail publicly some day i dont know. but for now, i want to not let this thing have a hold on my every day. i dont want to keep thinking or talking about it.
i dont want to be angry or upset anymore. i think for the past 2 months i had been subconsciously living under a scarcity mindset especially with the scholarship issue like i dont have this i cannot do this im unable to etc. but very recently in these two weeks or so i decided(?) that i want to be not angry i dont want to live in fear and i want abundance and that i want to live like i am capable of course i am capable and we are together capable i am learning peacefulness. rejection denial is born out of fear and there are many things to be angry and fearful about but the older i get the more i learn about (reminded of!) how terribly broken the world is and how i have to pick my battles (or life for me just shuts down) so i release my fears and accept because i know the world is abundant and i am supported.
as november began, i started more actively taking mandarin>english translation work (https://artnaming.com/?work), and have been getting positive feedback. other than a means of financial income, it also helps hone my language abilities, and through reading someone elses work i get to expand my own limited perspective of taiwan, its languages, and the world. so far it has been fruitful.
a week into november, i injured the big toe on my foot in the most unglamorous way. i slipped and fell on my way to pee. the floor was wet. no fracture, but there was i think some ligament tearing. the week after it hurt badly to walk and i had a limp that made my walking speed three times slower. it brought me to my first time in rehabilitation. that strange feeling of electrotherapy. i thought the universe cruel, but perhaps they just wanted to remind me of what i had taken granted for forever. that despite not having a vehicle here and not knowing how to drive/ride, i always had my feet to take me. i missed dancing. i missed simply walking outside. this second half of the year i seem to be coming face to face again and again the notion of transportation traffic travel (remember my traffic accident in september? :-)). it seems inescapable to be in foreign lands and not consider how i move. i want to and hope i will cherish more than ever my ability to move.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj70hklPDnz/?igshid=YTY2NzY3YTc=
i also just recently concluded my first themed group exhibition in taiwan with carp gallery. i presented a video work titled i have a blanket bigger than my sofabed (2022), a short 6min video of the blanket floating and falling when i was in quarantine in late 2020 when i returned to singapore. i also accompanied the piece with a one-off 3 hour durational live performance on sleeping and dreaming. i moved from the basement of the gallery to its rooftop, looking for a nesting, falling asleep along the way. that happened at a moment in my life when i felt like i was utterly unlucky in the world, when i was unsure if i wanted to continue my education and art practice in taiwan. it was some kind of escape, rest, and ultimately a confidence booster. it made me return humbly to the art of live performance and reaffirmed that i wanted to keep doing it.
now, december is just beginning, the weather has evidently turned cold, winter is arriving. i feel an apparent shift since i last wrote. there seems more to dream about in the days to come, there seems more that i can do in them. i have much to look forward to again. in the meantime, work is catching up, life is catching up, i have to go at them.
the most recent playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7gx4zK46ArwDwrVxIvYPTX?si=IpFfMivyRtGgkokGDYfyxA
自從我在一個多月前寫信時就發生了很多。多到我一直沒辦法進入狀態好好準時寫信。感覺有好多要紀錄好多要轉換成文字，有好多事情要處理，每件都感覺很重要，所有都那麼強烈，而我不是每次都有做好準備應付這些，生活一直阻礙著。我想那也可能是好事吧。
迅速更新有關於獎學金的事（https://www.buymeacoffee.com/artnaming/n-a-1423937）。它被廢止了。跟多方多人無數的討論，檢討，和傳述這整件事後，我總於達成了我能接受的妥協（要重複的敘說這件事一次又一次真的讓我感覺到很累。我深刻感激那些關心我，跟我一起憤怒的朋友們，但要一直回顧這事件和那些情緒真的很累）。我會努力工作找方式返還獎學金在上學期提供給我的一部分生活費（~$2000SGD / 40000NTD$）。學校願意私下幫我籌另外的一大筆錢。在沒有了之前約定好的獎學金下（學費，生活費），要繼續求學，還要還錢真的很不理想，但我已經接受了這個事實。或許，我的弱點是我太願意承擔我的行為，即便行政出錯（學校）導致獎學金（台灣教育部）被廢止，但確實當時是我簽了獎學金的同意書。或許大機構和擁有大權的組織往往面對問題時就會誣賴責怪無能為力的各自小我。或許他們都是邪惡的。或許我太傻，因為接受這一切，在文本就代表都是我的錯了。或許我應該再奮鬥再堅持久一點。反正，就算我還在繼續感受質疑這些，我已下定決心。接下來在研究所的時間我會努力找工作和方式面對這些經濟問題。感謝大家，在我面臨這些困難時在這個募資平台或其他方式籌款幫助我。也感謝那些精神上的支持，一起生氣，聽我抱怨，認可我。或許有一天我會把整個事件公開分享，但目前我不想讓這件事再纏著我。不想要一直想著講著它。
我不想要再生氣或感到心煩。這兩個多月的時間我好像無意中活在一個「缺」的思考習慣（我沒有這個，我無能，我沒辦法，等等）。只有在近期的這幾週我才決定了（？）不要生氣，我不要活在恐慌下。我要相信足夠，優裕，豐登，我想活出有實力有能力的我，當然能一起都會「有」我正學習著安寧。碰壁，逃避是從恐懼產生的，而當然有很多讓我們生氣恐慌的事但我長得越大（越長越老）我越被提醒學習我們製造的世界有多麼殘破，我必須選擇要參與哪個戰鬥（不然真的太多我會關機），所以我解放我的恐懼，接受，因為我相信有宇宙丰度，而我是被好好照顧支撐的。
十一月開始時，我開始更積極的接中英的翻譯案子 （https://artnaming.com/?work）也獲取了很棒的回饋。這是一個經濟的來源，也幫助我磨練我的語言能力。透過閱讀翻譯他人的文字，我也擴大了我對台灣，語言，和這世界的認知。卓有成就。
十一月的第二週，我右腳上的大母子以最平凡的方式受了傷。在去尿尿的旅途，我摔倒了。地板是濕的。沒有骨折，但好像有什麼韌帶撕裂。一週後的行走很痛，拐著腳，速度慢了三倍。這件事帶我第一次到復健。電療的感受很奇怪。我埋怨著殘酷的宇宙，但或許祂只想提醒我生命中那些理所當然的。雖然我沒有講同工具，也還不會騎車開車，但我總有我的雙腳帶著我走。我懷念跳舞。我懷念可以簡單的在戶外行走。這下半年我好像一隻面臨著有關交通旅行移動的課題（還記得九月的車禍嗎
？:-)）。在國外生存好像就沒辦法脫離我要怎麼移動這件事。我想要好好珍惜我的移動能力。
我最近在鯉魚藝廊剛結束了我第一檔主題式的聯展。我展現了一片六分鐘的錄像作品「i have a blanket bigger than my sofabed」(2022)，裏面捕捉了我在2020下半年回新加坡隔離時跟飯店裡棉被的互動。這搭配著一場有關睡眠和睡夢的一次性三小時現場藝術。我從藝廊的地下室遊走到頂樓，尋找被窩，在過程中睡著著。這都發生在我正在面臨著一個我自己覺得很倒霉的人身階段。那是還在猶豫要不要繼續在台灣讀書創作。那帶給了我一個休息脫離的機會，也無意中還會了我的自信。他讓我誠懇地回到現場藝術，讓我有信心繼續。
目前，十二月才剛開始，變天了，開始冷了，冬天來臨。我深刻感覺到一種明顯的轉變。這些日子好像有更多夢想，我好像有很多可以做的事。我期待著未來的。同時，工作追上了我，生活也趕上來了，我要去了，去面對。
最近期的歌單: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7gx4zK46ArwDwrVxIvYPTX?si=IpFfMivyRtGgkokGDYfyxA