i crossed over into 2023 in kaohsiung, taiwan my feet tired from a long goal-oriented walk, my hair damp from the intermittent rain. it wasnt as cold as i thought it would be. i sit on the waterbanks overlooking the waters that open out into the world, a lighthouse in the distant hill ahead, boats lit in their greens and reds and blues on the horizon line. i had been here before some years ago, sihziwan, national sun yat sen university, but this time i am alone, the world vast, the air excited for the to come.
at the tip of midnight, fireworks, and red flares in the sky. someone recently told me that when the new year "happens" the boatpeople out at sea have their own ceremonies and, i assume, parties, celebrations. they release signal flares into the sky, this time not a call for help, but a call to celebrate together with the fireworks shot up from the landpeople. i wonder if they prepare enough flares beforehand, or do they willingly "sacrifice" because as much as it is important to be vigilant and prepared for when disaster strikes, it is arguably more important to celebrate. i marvel because we are so untrained in joy and remembering joy.
then i wonder briefly about how the people in the sky celebrate, those on planes, hot air balloons, on space shuttles. do they also let out some kind of fire? fireworks, flares, sparks, beginnings. fire, a symbol for a start. flash, and gone. habits and rituals and ceremonies. routines. meanings given to actions. we commemorate just in case we forget. we set order because we are prone to give in. there are prescribed ways to live under a system, often just ways to secure a manageable future, ways to live a comfortable life. i spent my 20s (still ongoing) examining and re-examining these structures, how one makes money, how one works towards a career, how one cultivates relationships. i am so used to challenging these, and that usually just takes the form of plain old rejection. in 2022 i was reminded by the universe that it is not so simple. i was being made to learn how to work with the system.
taiwan opened me. i felt like i could relax. i had been so tense, so used to order, so used to challenging order imposed from myself or otherwise. perhaps its the discipline of growing up in singapore, with its hypervigilance and state control, that i had to set my own rules in singapore in order to feel free. plans to stick to, regiments to keep, otherwise i might become someone i dont want to be. but i had been so firm in my idea of what i dont want that i began to lose sight of what i could want. so in taiwan i let myself breathe. there was space, resources, friendship. i was optimistic or i was lucky. there was practice instead of just thought. i had spent so much of my 20s being hard on myself maybe it was time i could relax? then i think i became too comfortable, overboard, so good old disciplining force came, hitting me with the scholarship incident, time to wake up, be conscious again. so in the past few months as i tried to recover steady ground, i found myself wondering if i was letting myself enjoy myself or becoming lazy.
just to be clear, i am not against lazy or rest. it is entirely reasonable to want to sit out because we live under such inhumane infrastructures, demanding endless work, expecting growing success, and giving us less than sufficient or appropriate tools to carve out balance. yes, we want to exit the capitalist systems, most money-making work is alienating and excruciating, and it is a radical way to intentionally not be productivist. but i realised again that i dont hate work, i just hate not meaningful work. i want to do meaningful work, and meaningful work requires hard work.
i can say with confidence that the late 20s is hard. like, hard hard. because we cant be a brat anymore. we have experienced some kind of success, failure, direction, independence, expectations!! those of us who are lucky to have had access to these. we are having to have more responsibility, and to own up to them. i feel like in mid 20s i had been working hard to establish who i am to myself, and practicing my value, becoming a distinct me. now i am having to look at them and ask, do i still care about this? do i want to continue to be this? what am i doing? do i want to be doing what i am doing? it is even scarier because time escapes, quicker and quicker, long chunks of time just zips by and you realise you havent seen your friends from college for 3 years. i kept thinking i had done some difficult work then, so i want to relax and enjoy for a bit, but the confidence i nurtured is becoming arrogance, the comfort i enjoyed is becoming heavy. it almost feels like this is when the real hard work begins. and i am afraid, but i think the only way to go is through. it is time to do the hard work again. i can only hope that in the midst of that hard work, i dont miss out on life.
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i began 2023, january, in kaohsiung with my first solo exhibition in taiwan. small. modest. i am happy with it. i had imagined it had to be the best thing i will ever do and big and exciting and Wow. but i realised and trust that i will have more instances to show myself, that there will be time. for the exhibition, i placed all my clothes in a space configured like a display window. for all of january, they are hung there (except the ones i am wearing in the day-to-day), naked to see. t-shirts that i have had for almost 10 years. shorts that have been to the north america with me in 2018. new pants that have never been to singapore. these clothes, relics, objects of memory. i look at them and i have only fondness for them. they remind me that i have lived life.
2023年，我在台灣的高雄跨年，走了長遠的有目標的路而疲累的腳，頭髮因雨水濕濕的。沒有我想像中冷。我坐在水泥岸上臨著開往世界的水，遠丘上有個燈塔，地平線上的船亮著它們的綠，紅，藍。我幾年前來過這裡，西子灣，國立中山大學，但這次只有我，世界龐大，空氣裡充滿期待和興奮。
半夜十二點整，煙火，天空蘸上紅色光焰。最近有人跟我說跨年時在海上的船人也會有自己的儀式，我設想為派對，小慶祝。他們會往空中放信號彈，這次不是為了緊急求救，而是一個歡樂的表現，跟在岸上的地人一起放煙火。我考慮著他們是不是事先準備了多餘的信號彈，還是他們願意 “犧牲” 因為雖然積極的未雨綢繆很重要，但慶州是更重要的。我驚羨著，因為我們多麼不熟練歡樂和記起歡樂。
然後我思考著在空中的人是怎麼慶祝的，在飛機上的，熱氣球上的，太空船的。他們也會生火嗎？煙火，起火，火花，開始。火，比喻著「開始」。閃，而消失。習慣和儀式和典禮。定例。擁有了意思的行為。我們害怕忘記所以紀念。我們容易鬆懈所以製造規範。在系統下的生活有固定的模式，通常是一些讓我們可以鎖定安全的未來的方式，舒服的生活的方式。我的二十幾歲花在探討和再探討這些結構，怎麼賺錢，怎麼有事業，怎麼經營感情關係。我習慣挑戰這些，而我的方式通常就是簡單果斷的拒絕。在2022年我被宇宙提醒了沒那麼簡單。我幾乎被逼學習怎麼跟系統結構共存。
台灣打開了我。我感覺自己能放鬆。我曾那麼習慣緊繃，習慣規範，習慣挑戰被自己或社會強求的規範。可能是因為在新加坡長大而學會了必然的紀律，那隨時保持警惕和國家控制的地方，我在新加坡要有自己的規則才能感覺到自由。要遵守的規劃，否則自己會變成我不想要變成的我。但是我因為那麼固執堅持自己我不要的而開始失去了自己有可能想要的視野。所以到了台灣後我允許自己呼吸。這裡有空間，資源，友情。樂觀或運氣好吧。這有實作也有思考。我的二十多歲都在努力要求自己，我是不是可以放鬆一下？然後，我好像過的太舒服，過份，所以那可靠的紀律管家能量就來了，把獎學金的事件丟給我，要醒醒了，自覺了。這幾個月當我開始恢復平地時，我檢討著我是在允許自己休息享受還是我只是在偷懶。
必須講清，我沒有針對懶惰或休息。想要推出時完全合理的。我們生活在那麼殘忍沒人性的結構和設施，要求著無限的工作，持續的成功，但我們又沒拿到足夠或妥當的工具去刻出平衡。是的，我們想拋棄資本主義社會結構，過多的賺錢工作讓我們疏遠自我，痛苦，而想要刻意的不生產其實才是勇敢獨特的。但我發現本身其實沒有討厭工作，我只是討厭沒意義的工作。我想要參與有意義的工作，而有意義的工作是需要努力的。
我可以很有自信的宣布二十多歲的後半段很難。很難很難。因為我們不能當屁孩了。我們經歷了某種成功，失敗，方向，獨立，期待（當然不是每個人都運氣那麼好或擁有資源和機會接觸這些體驗）！我們開始有跟多責任，也需要承擔更多。二十歲中的時候我覺得我一直在努力建立自我和我的價值觀，一個獨特的我。現在我看著他們，問，我還在意這個嗎？我想要繼續這樣嗎？我在幹嘛？我想要繼續這樣嗎？可怕的是時間一直在流逝，越來越快，一大塊時間會突然消失而你會擦覺到你已經三年沒見到你大學的朋友了。我一直覺得自己在那段時間努力過了所以好像可以休息一下，但我建立成的自信開始變成驕傲，我享受的舒服開始沈重。好像現在我才真的需要開始努力。害怕是當然的，但唯一的方式是往前通過。是時候開始努力了。我只能希望在這努力當中，我不會錯過生活。
2023年的一月開始我在高雄辦了第一檔在台灣的個展。小型。謙虛。我對它很開心。事先我想像著這應該要是我做過最棒最大最精彩最哇的展覽。但我擦覺到也相信我會有更多機會展現自己，會有時間的。為了這檔櫥窗空間示的展覽，我把我所有的衣服展出。整個一月的時間，它們會吊掛著（除了那些我每天正穿著的），赤裸地被看到。穿了十年的 T 恤。在2018跟我度過北美的短褲。沒去過新加坡的新長褲。這些衣服，遺物，包含記憶的物件。我看著他們，感念不忘。它們能提醒了我我曾有生活過。