almost 2 months since i last wrote! i apologise. like i said, life gets in the way. that, or the motivation to write. these days i am thinking about the thesis i have to write for school. i think again about the relationship between living and documenting, between live experience and documented experience. they seem mutually exclusive, that to live in the present meant to forego the intention and desire to remember it well, and, conversely, to actively remember means being on the lookout for the moments worth remembering, and how to remember them. and then there are those moments in between where we completely forget the present around us, we escape into other worlds and stories, video games, books, movies. living in the present is exciting, fulfilling, etc, but it is also tiring to be always aware. that, i know.
it went by quick, january. i spent lunar new year alone mostly, that precious time to myself cooking and in a short moment of general rest while the world around me rowdied, celebrated, visited family. i wrapped up the exhibition of my clothes in kaohsiung, then readied for another in february. this time a collaboration with yipeng, an exhibition about luck money games.
100 scratchcards!
for our exhibition in february we bought 100 of the cheapest lottery scratchcards and invited audience to buy a ticket at half the price. at the end, after the two short weekends, we went online to stream a live event where we scratched open all the tickets, in naive excitement for the prize of winning, as well as the prize money that could be shared with everyone. it was not much, but everyone got a little something.
then, semester began. this semester i made the decision to split my time between school and taichung. a month in now, i am remembering how much i did enjoy being around a group of people in a faraway place attending classes and working together. frustrations, with it, of course, but without tension there is no growth.
the mountains!
this semester im taking a class that requires me to go on 4 camping trips over 4 weekends. our professor is taking us to a small campsite in nantou that is the historical base for people of the Bunun tribe. the mountains of central taiwan. the green hills and clear running waters. i had forgotten how beautiful and nourishing it is to be in the big natures. this also feels like a significant beginning to understand more about myself and my family history, seeing as how my maternal grandmother is from this place. more about this to come in the coming weeks that im very excited about!!!
march onwards feels like the world is opening up. i feel it significantly, and i feel ready to welcome it all. change becomes more difficult as we age because we are clearer about what we like and dont like, we have built ways comfortable for ourselves. i recently watched the film Annihilation. it brings me to confrontation with the power of nature, its inherent powers to stay true to the self while adapting, coexisting. it is about facing and accepting the inimitable depths of the unknown around and within us. it comes with fear, the knee-jerk reaction to protect what we created for ourselves, a resistance. but what is fulfilling life but a series of brave acts! i feel braver now to embrace more, and i want to welcome invitations. spring comes!!! the sun!!! lets go!!!
a playlist for embracing:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1pmeXjoKeMHRO3W5cq8e33?si=gfPsbzSVRUyzXwSBCRBjFw
上次寫信已經快兩個月了！我要道歉。就像之前說的，現實生活打斷了我，那寫作的動機。目前正想著要寫的論文。我又想起生活跟紀錄的關係，現場的經驗和被紀錄的經驗。像是勢不兩立的，要活在當下就得放棄要好好記住的念頭和慾望，而積極的想記住等於隨時留意那些想要被記住的時刻，和怎麼記住它們。然後還有那些讓我們忘記當下的「之間」的時刻，我們逃離去別的世界和故事，遊戲世界，文書，電影裡。活在當下很精彩，豐富，等，但隨時有意識地活著也很累。我懂。
一月過得很快。農曆新年時我大部分是自己過的，那寶貴的時間自己做飯，快閃的休息，而我周邊的世界聚著，慶祝著，拜訪家人。我把在高雄展出的衣服收拾，準備二月下個展覽。這次跟奕芃合作，一個關於運勢金錢遊戲的展覽。
100張刮刮樂！
為了二月的展覽我們買了100張最便宜的刮刮樂，要請觀眾以一般的價錢購買。最終，短暫的兩個週末後，我們在線上直播一個開獎活動把所有的刮刮樂刮開，抱持著天真的期待面對得中獎金，可以跟大家分享的獎金。最後沒贏多少，但大家都有一點收穫。
然後，學期開始了。這學期我決定把時間分配給學校和台中。已經一個月了，我開始回想起當初是多麼享受跟一群人在遙遠的地方一起上課一起做事。煩腦，一定有，但沒有摩擦就沒有成長。
山！
這學期有一堂課要求我在四個週末去露營四次。教授帶我們到南投裡第一個小營地，那也是布農族在歷史上的一個基地。台灣正中心的山。綠色的山丘和清晰的活水。我都忘了大大大自然有多麼美妙和養身。這也感覺是一個重要的開始然我去多瞭解自己和家族歷史，就因為母系親屬是從這裡來的。接下來的日子應該會有跟多我對於這件事的探索和想法，讓我很期待！！
感覺世界在三月後開始開拓。我深刻的感覺到，而也準備歡迎它。我們越長大就越難改變，因為我們更清楚自己的喜好，我們建立了自己的舒服。我最近看了《滅絕》。讓我對峙了大自然的威力，它在適應時保留自己的本質，共存。它代表了面對和接受我們周邊和內心裡無底無限的未知。它帶著恐懼，那為了保護自己的自然反應，一種反抗。但活出過癮的人身就要一系列勇敢的行為！我覺得更勇敢懷抱跟多了，而我也接受邀請。春天來臨！！太陽！！走吧！！
為了懷抱的歌單：
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1pmeXjoKeMHRO3W5cq8e33?si=gfPsbzSVRUyzXwSBCRBjFw