apr 四月

Apr 12, 2023

i just returned few days ago from another camping trip with my class up the mountains in nantou over the weekend (going again, last one this weekend). what began on my first night as a silly mistake and frustration because i forgot to bring my ipad out to do work (i brought my charger?) became a weekend full of reading, reflecting, recharging, and as my friend kindly suggested, writing with/on my phone. terrible experience, but not undoable. the older i get the more i hate doing what i dont like doing. i hate to be unprepared, i realised and verbalised during this trip when we had to work on designing and painting with our artistic capabilities a long large wall with fences above it, a project that took way longer than it should because we each kind of did our own thing our own way and kept having to repair imperfections along the way. we finished the fences this time, finally, but will not be able to work on the wall on our next and last camping trip due to time. i had thought that i understood and appreciated experiencing the process, but perhaps not all processes are the same. i had to remove myself from the worksite multiple times because i could witness myself becoming irritable at the inefficient progress, the repeated painting and repainting due to the imperfections and the uncertain expectations. yes, i realised it is hard for me to do something willingly if i do not feel anything for it. and if i have to do something i dont feel for, i would want to do it most quickly and most effectively, in the most well-prepared way. i hate to be unprepared, which is funny considering my experience and expertise with live performance work. im not quite sure where it came from. perhaps singapore with its gospel of efficiency and considerable planning. perhaps the older i get the more tired i have become of adapting myself to the world around me. 

we found time on the first day to trek up to a nearby waterfall!

april sprang on me. spring, with its initial rains to wash and clean off the long winter, welcome the sun. beginnings! a week-long break over Qingming when march turned into april, where the living cleaned the tombs of the dead, honour ancestors. miwa, yipeng's long-time friend, came to visit. they havent seen each other for years and we had never met, though i have only fondness for her through association. together we went to sun moon lake in nantou, arguably the most touristy place i have been to in taiwan. i was here years ago in 2015 with mummy. this time i returned with new knowledge about my family history, that my maternal grandmother was born here, the specificities of which i suspect i will be learning more about in time to come. yet, truth be told, it was hard to feel any mystical affinity there, since the overall feeling of the place seemed merely to attract tourists with the street food, knick-knacks, boat trips. regardless, i enjoyed the journeying together, the overwhelming joy to connect with miwa. i had missed meeting new people who were willing to engage immediately on a warm and deeper level.

my happy friends, on a boat cruising sun moon lake

april feels like work and obligations and deadlines and responsibilities. the thesis outline i have to submit, the curatorial statement i have to prepare for my graduation show, written applications for future work, a lot of writing. then, what with covid and travel restrictions relaxing, friends and family coming through to taiwan. it feels ever more important to manage my time well. i wonder if i can do it all. i think so. this all compounds into a concentrated thought i have been mulling over recently. i wonder about the idea that we take on more than we are able to or when we keep saying yes, and more, for many reasons: boredom, the desire for newness, the fear that opportunities are scarce and rarely come by, the lack of awareness of our own capacities, being unable to set useful practical boundaries. work, and more, seems always the better option, we have to be opportunists, live life to the fullest! i think most of us having had some life and work experience understand that hard work is necessary and we know how to do the thing, but where we lack the discerning power is in choosing to do a thing comfortably, at our own pace instead of just choosing to do a thing regardless of ourselves. we so often lapse into "survival mode" where we feed ourselves the narrative that we have to stretch and push ourselves beyond limits, that perseverance endurance is a virtue, that it is admirable to keep fighting on. sometimes, or, frequently, we subconsciously take on more and drive ourselves to burnout, causing the body to crash and we are forced to rest and recuperate. then we play victim (to others, to ourselves), experience resentment because it seems, it feels as if we always give, always the one giving Giving but what about us? nobody takes care of us? where is reciprocity? the truth is though we never asked or demanded appreciation for our work. we made ourselves resentful! perhaps we give only because we want to feel useful and liked by others. this is a pattern i have witnessed in myself and in the lives of friends around me. i dont want to be doomed to this unhealthy relationship with work and expectation. it takes so much conscious effort to unlearn these habits we have cultivated from our pasts. too much psychoanalysis and reflection for a day?

anyway, i turned older recently, according to our social conventions of time and age, and while i am nervous about this difficult period of my life approaching the Big 3, i want to be thankful. but i am! thankful. that i have the energy still to think and do things. that i can steal myself out of situations unkind. that i have dreams i can mull and marvel over. that there is still so much of the world i have yet to experience! that there are more jokes and laughters i havent discovered. that there exists beautiful art i have yet to experience or make. that there is more about me and my life and my past that i have to learn about! that there are still plenty more people i will come to love in this lifetime! i am thankful for it all.

上週末又跟同學們上山在南投露營,前幾天剛回來又要準備這週末最後一次上山。因我的糊塗忘了帶iPad出門導致第一晚上沒辦法做事的挫折感(連充電器都帶了)而變成了整個週末的閱讀,檢討,充電,以及我朋友友善的建議,用手機打字。糟糕的體驗,但還算可行。發現年紀越大越討厭參與不喜歡的活動。我討厭沒準備好,在這次露營時發現和表達出來了。為了這堂課我們必須使用我們的~美術學識~設計和執行一座寬長的壁畫和欄杆。這計劃比預計的困難和漫長因為我們各用自己的方式做自己的部分,而一直在旅途補修瑕疵。這次終於把欄杆做完了,但因為時間限制沒辦法在下次最後一次露營把壁畫完成。我一直以為我已經了解欣賞經驗和過程,但可能過程有不同種類的。好幾次我離開了工作現場因為我擦覺到自己開始為了沒效力的進度感到煩躁,那重複性的粉刷再粉刷,就為了瑕疵和模糊的期待。是的,我擦覺了要我願意執行一件我沒感覺的事是很難得。而如果真的必須把沒感覺的事做完,我會想要用最快最有效,最準備好了的方式。我討厭沒準備好,這有點好笑因為我擅長有經驗和專業做現場藝術。不確定這從哪來的。或許是因為新加坡講究效力和徹底計畫準備的傳教。或許年紀越大,越為了要自己配合周遭而感到心累。

第一天找到了時間往瀑布去!

四月往我蹦。春節,祂帶來前期的雨水,把過久的東漢洗掉,歡迎太陽。開始!三月轉成四月時帶來的清明節連假,提醒還活著的我們去掃墓,拜祖先。miwa,奕芃持久的朋友來探望。他們多年沒見而我們沒見過,但我對她特別偏好。我們一起往南投的日月潭去,那我在台灣認識最觀光的地方。2015年我跟母親來過這。這次回來帶著家庭歷史的認知,阿嬤在這出生,細節我懷疑還需要一段時間才會慢慢釐清。但,事實上我很難跟這裡感覺到各種緣分都因為這裡過度的觀光和旅遊的感覺,那些夜市小吃,小紀念品,船。最終還是很開心的一起在這裡度過一天,因為跟 miwa 認識聯繫了帶來的快樂。我真懷念認識願意開放深入交談溫暖的新人。

快樂的朋友們,坐著船繞日月潭

四月的感覺是工作,責任,期限,職責。要提交的輪崗,為了畢業展要準備的策展論述,為了未來機會準備文字提件,很多寫作。然後,因疫情和旅遊限制開始鬆懈,朋友和家人來台灣拜訪。時間管理感覺特別重要。我不知道能不能把所有達成。這些重疊讓我集中在一個最近在思考著的念頭。我翻轉著一個想法,當我們承擔多餘我們能夠的範圍,當我們一直說「好,更多」是為了很多理由:悶,可望新鮮,害怕機會有限及難得,沒意識到自己的能力,沒辦法設定有效實際的界線和原則。繼續工作,更多工作總是更好的選擇,我們要趁機,活到極限!我想多半的我們,擁有了生活和工作經驗的我們了解苦勞是必然的而我們也知道怎麼辦事,但我們缺少了智慧去拿捏選擇舒服的用自己的步調做一件事而不是只選擇不顧自身的做一件事。我們時常陷入「求存」的狀態,吹眠自己說我們一定要打破自己的極限,說忍耐是一種美德,說堅持是值得敬佩的。有時候,或,不時,我們會無意中承擔太多把自己帶進摧毀而逼迫休息修復。最後把我們變成其他人眼中和自己眼中的受害者,進入一種怨恨的情緒,因為總是我們在付出付出但我們本身呢?誰來照顧我們?對等的回饋?事實上我們並沒有要求被尊重被欣賞。是我們讓自己怨恨!或許我們付出只是為了讓自己有用,為了被別人喜愛。這是一個我在身上和周邊的朋友觀察到的循環。我不想要被這不健康的工作與期待的關係綑綁。把這些過去學來的壞習慣擺脫需要積極有意識的努力。太多心理分析檢討了嗎?

總之,根據我們社會的時間和年齡習俗,我最近變老了,雖然我對於接近大三十苦難的日子感到焦慮,我還是想要感激。而我有!感激。我還有力氣思考做事。我可以從不友善的狀況中把自己偷取出來。我擁有可以琢磨和欣賞的夢。我擁有那麼多的世界還沒探索!還沒發現的笑話和笑聲。還沒體驗和創作的藝術。還有更多關於我自己和我生活中和我過去要體會學習的!還有很多在我這生中會認識而喜愛的人!我為這一切感到感激。

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