may-jun 5-6月

may-jun 5-6月

Jun 02, 2023

i am writing for may and june together because i have been tired of writing and expressing myself and my thoughts digitally and in word form. i apologise. i also apologise in advance that this one will be quite unorganised. its one and a half years since i started writing here, a long time! recently the big thing i am facing is how to continue doing something when i dont feel like doing it, or when the feeling has become different. i am a very feeling person. my actions and decisions are almost always based on intuition. even when i think rationally, it is from the place of feeling i have to put aside my feeling for a bit. one can say i have a problem with commitment (with myself)?? i enjoy beginnings (and ends, which are essentially also beginnings) but i seem to not be able to keep doing a thing (is it because our circumstances CHANGE??). except food. i can eat the same (good) thing everyday and not tire. anyway.

yipeng and i with the MAGNIFICENT singapore treasure, marina bay sands

april went into may when i was in singapore for two weeks, first with my friend yipeng, then on my own. it was originally planned as a work trip but became mostly a rest/holiday trip. perhaps because it was a playtrip, but i dont think i had enjoyed singapore this much before. i had missed the heat and the neverending sweat, a reminder that the body is working at every moment to keep us alive. in bringing yipeng around to do touristy things, sharing with him the food i ate when i was there (not realising i had missed them!), letting him witness a fraction of what life was like for me in singapore, meeting friends together, experiencing art, i let my taiwan life and singapore life intersect. for a while now i was used to being the odd one out, the foreigner, and it was nice to play host for once. he can tell you that he misses singapore, in part because it was holiday for him, then i begin to wonder if i also miss that place, even feel it a little.

in singapore i am reminded of the generosity of friends, particularly stark in a city-state hell-bent on selling narrow ways to live life that i escaped from participating. i think of jon, who puts aside time for me always despite his own work and stresses to play with me. Pallavi, who shared her beautiful home and walks and talks with me. Pragya, Cass, their shared house and presence i have come to inhabit briefly over the past 3 years where i can be utterly myself and laugh together. and many others, for tangible and intangible supports and shared spaces. i am lucky to have them all, lucky to also bear witness to the journeys they have been on and the infinitely exciting path called life that keeps happening. 

when i was drafting this piece in early may i wrote:
"somehow, the later half of may going into june feels like doing things i dont want to do things that do not bring joy. growth, sure, but growth can happen wherever we are, the voracious and reflective of us, to learn as much as we can from every life experience. but to choose the experience to experience, that is the difficulty of it. but to have foresight to know which uncomfortable is a worthy uncomfortable"

i want to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. i want to think that i am a responsible person. i want to be responsible for my own circumstances, my own growth place, my own uncomfortable. in the past few years, my late twenties, i have learnt how to express myself more firmly and without shame. it is something i continue to learn. the most difficult of that is to feel the desire to complain about my circumstance and not discount it. to understand that it is possible to dislike something and still do it, for any reason, each sufficient. like the fact that i rushed my thesis outline submission due on first may in singapore, feeling not particularly attached to it, doing it, knowing it is not good, might not even care for it and handing it in. or being appointed the curator for my graduation show, managing the differing expectations and working styles of 14 other peoples. to know that not always, the result is not equivalent to the process. still, i am learning to be uncomfortable and grateful. i am learning to own myself.

the playlist for when i was in singapore: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4Kjlr5Rlpx10zTL2A8zQPQ?si=WWOkV0XuSP-pSWkVerh9YQ

我決定五月跟六月一起寫因為我對於寫作和用文字自我表達,尤其是在虛擬世界發表感到心累。我要道歉。我也要為了這次散漫的信道歉。在這裡書寫已經一年半多了,很久了!最近在面對的大事是怎麼繼續做我沒感覺,或感覺已經變了的事。我是一個很靠感覺的人。行為的決定幾乎都在於直覺反應。即便我理智的去想,那也來自於一個我不能那麼靠感覺的感覺。可以說我有對自己守承諾的問題?我享受開始(和結束,畢竟結束是一種開始)但我好像沒辦法持續做一件事很久(會不會是因為我們的處境隨時都在改變?)。食物是例外。我可以持續只吃同樣(好吃)的東西也不累。總而言之

奕芃與我,和新加坡的光輝,濱海灣金沙

四月轉進五月時我在新加坡兩週,先跟奕芃,然後單獨。原本有工事出差但多半變成休息度假的行程。也許因為是在玩,但我從沒那麼享受過新加坡。我懷念那個炎熱以及不停的汗滴,提醒了我們身體正在努力的讓我們繼續生存。我帶奕芃扮演觀光客,跟他分享我在新加坡吃的東西(其實很想念!),讓他目睹我在新加坡時生活的一小部分,一起見朋友,體驗藝術,我讓我的台灣生活和新加坡生活交叉。我都習慣這陣子扮演外國人,換個角色當主持人也不錯。他會跟你說他多麼想念新加坡,部分是因為對他來說是一個旅遊的行程,而我也開始回味我是不是也想念那個地方,甚至還感覺到那麼一點點的思念。

在新加坡時我被深刻提醒周邊朋友們的大方,尤其是在一個我逃離參與不允許非主流非典型模式生活的城邦。我想起 jon,他總把時間留給我即便自己的工作和焦慮,陪我玩。Pallavi,她跟我分享了她的家,散步,聊天。Pragya,Cass,她們共享的家和氣度,我在這三年內暫時的聚居,觸碰到,讓我可以完全當自己,一起喜樂。還有很多其他人的實際和非實際的支持和共用空間。我很幸運能有他們,幸運能目睹她們的旅程,以及他們接下來的道路,那一直在發生的生活。

五月初的時候我準備的草稿之一如下:
「不知為什麼,五月半後接著六月感覺需要我做我不想要做不帶樂趣的事。成長,一定有,但成長是無所不在的,到處都存在,那對於生活飢餓認真檢討的我們,到處在什麼經驗裡都能抽取成長。但要選擇體驗什麼體驗,那才難。但又有遠見知道哪種不舒服是值得的不舒服。」

我想要對自己的行為和決定負責。我想要認為自己是負責任的人。我想要對自己的處境負責,我成長的地方,我自己的不舒服。這幾年,接近三十,我學到怎麼更肯定和不羞恥的表達自己的情緒。這是我要繼續練習學習的。最難的是感受到想對自己的處境而抱怨的慾望,但又不簡化它的存在。要理解可以做不喜歡的事,無論如何,是可能的。就像我在新加坡把論綱在五月前提交,對它不太有感情,把它做完,知道它不優秀,不在乎它,但還是提交它。或是被推選為畢業展覽的策展人,要處理其他14人多變,不同的期待和工作方式。要確切知道相信,不是每次都能用結果審查過程,結果跟過程可以不想等。我還在學習怎麼在不舒服中感恩。我學習怎麼擁有自己。

在新加坡時的歌單: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4Kjlr5Rlpx10zTL2A8zQPQ?si=WWOkV0XuSP-pSWkVerh9YQ

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