about a month ago when i wrote i thought it was cold but little did i know it would get much much colder like it is now. it has become harder to get out of bed in the day and i am more prone to sleepiness, as if my body is readied for hibernation. it feels strange considering this is how a new year begins in countries with apparent seasons, a cold carried over, the past year's problems still permeating. of course this is how it is with change, that nothing overnight magically transforms, abandoning its past.
me now. in the cold temperature.
to welcome the new year's weekend i was in taichung, taiwan, at carp gallery, with yipeng, lydia and some other friends. it was quite foreign, in part because there were some present that i was not particularly close with and in part because im not one particularly related to these social rituals. it was uncomfortable to be in this celebratory occasion with those some i didnt feel close with. at the end of the night those still around were those who avoided big expressions of thanks or welcome. it felt like we were there not quite to see the new year and not quite to see each other, but there because we had nothing much else to do on new year's. i begin 2022 like this, suddenly acutely aware that i am past the age or experience of desiring to be a part of every single event, or opportunity, or every single new.
i live here now, in taiwan, and will be for the foreseeable future. i think im past the rosy period, the everything is new and exciting and i have an adrenaline to face any. there is an unmistakeable reality now. i know this because i felt over the last week or so of december my first felt instance of boredom here. this is especially when most everyone in school is away over the weekend and whoever is left either doesnt have any relationship or familial activities to attend to away from tainan, or those who still have much work left to complete in the same vicinity. in preparing for my crit/exhibition, i found my progress quick, sudden. the week of christmas i was mostly finished, a big presentation for one of my classes done, people whom i wanted to spend time with i had already spent quality time with, my own down time playing video games also already spent. one night i found myself not having much urgent i needed to attend to, a feeling that lingered, juxtaposed against my peers in school who were busy rushing their projects, school-related or otherwise. moments like these i know its time to reexamine what im doing, time to give time to other things i had wanted to do but put off because i was transitioning to this new environment.
the flowers in the school all fallen in winter time
it is hard to put away or mistake for something else the seriousness of winter, of capricorn. some kind of gloom permeating. these days im reminded again that i am indeed alone in this world. there is a sadness attached to that but also a freedom. i think they come hand in hand. i think with freedom there is loneliness because the world always tries to weigh you down. but because we live physically in this world of organisations, rules, expectations, an ailing body! we are not completely free so whenever we glimpse that freedom it is tied with aloneness. as if nobody else can understand you. for it is true that nobody else can know or feel you entire. i feel this here now more and more. not because of language. perhaps age and experience? or that ive already done a lot of self-work? that feels arrogant to say. or perhaps what i have to do is work through my sense of community through interaction.
squirtle and meowth meet, both gifts from friends here, lit by a lamp i bought from another friend. some warmth for me.
i can feel myself having the tendency to immerse or merge with this place. a feeling reminiscent of my time in Yale-NUS. during our first day of crit friends brought their own friends (myself included) and not everybody showed up for everyone's. the energy dispersed and it felt like each and everyone of us were ultimately doing this on our own, that there is even more of a sense of everyone working together side by side on any other day when we are going through class (no class during crit week). it felt like even though people had gotten close and we spend our days fairly enjoyably, school ultimately was a place where we endured something difficult together, and our real lives were outside. that we were intimate here because we didnt have a choice. and that if we did (like over weekends or holidays) we would go elsewhere, spend that with others. im not quite sure if this is a good or bad or happy or sad thing, but it is a very apparent thing.
all this contributed to me feeling checked out. or maybe winter has squeezed my fire out. for the first time i wondered if i really wanted to be in this place. or if i really had like-minded individuals with me here. i feel like i am alone. perhaps i am around that generalised age group where i have to step out alone on my own, in a sense that others around me are also being thrusted in the same way. paths start to split, journeys begin to differ. perhaps because when i (we?) know ourselves more and more our choices become more and more specific and with that specificity we realise there is less and less people like us or like our own kind outside, there, in the opened wilderness. or perhaps i had been so lucky the past few years to have such proximity and intimacy with those i resonate so deeply with in our ways of living and ways of making. perhaps to teach, to share my specificity with others is my to-do, and though it can be a lonely venture, i know no other way that is most honest to myself. i still look forward to summer and the sun, but i am slowly living together with the winter and its colds.
to end this i share a new video i just made that is related to my end of semester presentation:
收衣服 keeping close
一個月前我寫信時我本來已經覺得冷但真的沒想到會到現在更冷。現在越來越難醒來離開床邊了，而我白天時也一直很想睡，就像身體已準備冬眠。當我思考每個新的一年的開始，在有四季的國家，一起跨年的冷，去年的問題還糾纏著，就覺得有點奇怪。當然改變就是這樣，不能過了一晚什麼都突然轉變，拋棄過去。
現在的我。在冷冷的溫度。
為了跨年迎接新年我在那週末到台中的鯉魚和奕芃，lydia，和一些其他朋友。有點陌生，因為在場的人我有些沒有很親，也因為我個人不太會參與這中社交儀式。跟我熟悉的人一起過節有點不舒服。夜晚時剩下的人都不是很會大表現自己的感恩感覺的。感覺我們這群在那裡不是為了迎接新的一年也不是為了跟彼此相處，但是因為我們跨年時都沒什麼做吧。我是這樣迎接2022，突然意識到我已經過了那個想參與每件事或每個機會或每個「新」的年齡了。
我現在就住在這，台灣，能遠視到這幾年未來也會在這。我想我已經過了那新鮮歡樂的時段，那一切都很新，都很有驚喜，而我也很有活力面對的時段。現在有一個夢幻不了錯不了的現實。我知道這個事實因為我在12月的最後那週感覺到了第一刻的悶。這特別強烈也是因為大部分學校的人在週末都離開，剩下的是我們沒有必須參加感情或家庭活動的，或是那些還有很多工要趕的。準備我的評圖展覽時發現自己進行得快，突然。神誕節那週我就已盡快做好了，課堂上的一個大報告也完成，想一起相處的人也一起好好相處了，自己打電動的時間也花了。有一晚我擦覺到自己沒有什麼要緊的，一個縈繞著的感受，反差了正在做作品或趕作業的同學們。這種時刻我就知道是時候再次自己思考反省一下，是時候做那些我之前因為正在適應新生活時做不了的事。
校園冬天時都落地的花
要把冬天摩羯座帶來的嚴肅放開是難的。有一種灰在散發。這些日子我被提醒了我的確是自己單獨孤單在這世界。有一些憂傷感但也有自由。我想它們是一起的。我想有自由就有孤單應為世界總會想把你拉回來。但因為我們實體存在著這個充滿結構，規範，期待，一直正在衰弱的身體！我們就不能完全自由所以看到自由時它一定帶著孤單。像沒有能了解你的人。但的確是沒有人能完完全全知道或感覺到「你」。現在在這裏感覺到這個點越來越多。不是因為語言。可能是人生經歷和年齡？或是我自己已經做了很多內心的功課？這樣說有點囂張。或許我需要做的是認真經營面對我對社群社區的互動。
傑尼龜和喵喵相遇，都是這裡的朋友送我的。它們被我跟另外一個朋友買的桌燈亮著。給我一些溫暖。
我感覺到自己想跟這個地方結合和融入。一個當我在大學時也有的感覺。第一天的評圖時同學朋友都帶自己的朋友（包括我）而不是每個人都有在每個評圖同學時出現。那能量被分散，感覺我們每個最終都在做自己的，自己面對，沒有了那個平日上課時一起做事的感覺（評圖時沒課）。感覺雖然同學們變親，一起享受過日子，學校最終是一個要一起忍耐難關的地方，而我們自己真正的生活正在外。我們在這裡親密是因為沒選者。而有選者時（像在週末或節日）就會在別的地方跟別人一起過。我不知道這是一個好的不好的開心的或不開心的現象，但它是一個明顯的現象。
這些全部讓我感覺很累。或是可能冬天把我的火擠熄了。我第一次問自己是不是真的想要在這。我在這有沒有跟我志同道合的人？我感覺到孤單。可能是因為我正在那群需要自己鋪路的年齡，周圍的也是正在進行這件事。路開始分，旅程開始不一樣。可能因為當我（我們？）越了解自己時我們做的決定就越來越精準，而有了這個精準我們才擦覺到周邊或在外面的野裡越來越少跟我們相同的人。或是我這幾年真的很幸運能有又靠近又親密跟我生活方式創作方式相同的同志們。可能要教，要跟別人分享自己的精準是我要做的，而它雖然是一個孤單的行程，但我確實不知道其他對我來說更真實的路。我還是期待夏天和太陽，但我漸漸的在跟冬天的冷一起相處。
結尾分享跟期末評圖有關的新影片：
收衣服 keeping close