On this day...

1 year ago today...

I put my trust in nurses and doctors. They failed me. I asked for mental help and I left with more mental and physical trauma. The one place that should have been able to help me, completely failed me, belittled me, and gaslighted me daily. 1 year ago today I became paralyzed.

I was admitted to the hospital on August 29th, 2021 because I needed help. I was struggling, I was suicidal, was harming myself. I had to meet with the hospital psychiatrist every day. Each day he would ask me questions. Each day he would prescribe me a new medication. I would react to each medication with symptoms like Nausea, Vomiting, Dizziness, Rapid Pulse, Drowsiness, Migraines, vertigo, MORE suicidal thoughts, & others.. this was happening after every single medication.

This was my first time in a mental health facility and before I entered I was not on any medications previously. When I entered, I was drugged daily. That's what they do to you in those places. It works for most people. They drug you until you are numb or emotionless, and then send you on your way. They keep you "safe" by locking you in a building, not letting you close doors, not having bathroom doors, & not being able to have any personal belongings in your room. But most mental health techs are not properly educated because they are rude, belittle you, and pout when you need something.

Back to medications, after the first few days of medication reactions, the doctor told me to try to stay on the medications a little longer and the side effects should wear off.. did they? No. The side effects got worse. I became more suicidal and I started biting myself because no-one would listen or believe me. The doctor started telling me that all of my reactions were in my head and that it was all caused by anxiety. He told me that if I would stop having anxiety attacks I wouldn't have reactions to the medications.

I was fed up. He was a horrible person. There were a few nurses who were kind and I loved my social worker, but I could only see her about once a week one-on-one and that wasn't enough for the help I needed. I attended group therapy and hated it. I wanted them to release me from the hospital but they said they wouldn't release me until they found a medication that would help my depression. I talked to my parents every day and my mom started looking into other facilities.

My mom found a facility and was in communication with my social worker. She said it looked nice, you had outdoor time, and it had good reviews. I was hesitant but I agreed to transfer because I wasn't making any progress at the original hospital. I transferred facilities on September 9th, 2021. I was waiting for the transfer. There were multiple things I wasn't aware of. I was being transferred on an EOD(Emergency Order of Detention.) I had no idea what this was or what it even meant. Then, I wasn't aware that I had to be transported in a police car. This is absolutely horrible for someone who has never done anything legally wrong and never would. It also happened around 11pm. The police officers were very nice and gave me a few seconds to hug my parents for the FIRST time in 11 days. I seriously had the chance to hug them and then was put in the back of a police car. I was terrified. I was crying. I got to the new facility close to midnight where I went through the absolute worst intake process ever. It took about 3 hours. I was left in this tiny room with cameras, all alone, filling out paperwork. Once I got on the unit, I had to strip down naked in this nasty and scary medical room. I am a very personal person and have never done anything like that in my life. It was horrible. I don't ever want to do that again. I felt like I was in prison. Around 3am they put me in a room, we woke the roommate up and she wasn't happy at all. I couldn't sleep. She wasn't friendly and I didn't feel safe. When it was time for everyone to get up, I quickly realized I was in an even worse place. I was put into a drug and alcohol abuse unit. I didn't have a drug or alcohol addiction. I wasn't trying to get sober, I didn't need to. The people around me were terrifying. I was terrified because I was sent on an EOD. The EOD meant I had to spend 7 DAYS at this facility. The whole reason I transferred was because I was hoping I could get out sooner. If I would have known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have transferred. I only slept a few hours the whole time I was in this facility.

I knew I had to do whatever I could to get out. I lied like I never had before. I stayed on a medication that was making me throw up, dizzy, and have vertigo. I went to all of the groups. I said I wasn't depressed. I said I wasn't suicidal. Honestly, I was in danger from other patients and couldn't even think about myself as I was always on edge about males touching me and a female exposing her body to the whole unit. The doctor at this unit was way better but I wasn't going to be honest because I HAD to get out of there. I just learned that these "mental health facilities" aren't helpful for me. I got very lucky and the doctor ended my EOD a day early. I did what I had to do.

I got discharged from the 2nd facility on September 15th. I knew I wasn't ready. My family knew I wasn't ready, but I seriously had no choice. That place was an absolute nightmare. My sister flew home from Egypt so she was there, my mom was there, my dad was there, and they brought my dog. It was honestly overwhelming. No-one talks about how scary it is to leave a facility. You are fighting for your life and protecting yourself the whole time you are in there, and you feel the need to do the same thing when you get out.

I knew I wasn't ready to go home. I should have been really happy to see them but I was just so depressed. We went to pick up my favorite Thai food and ate at a park. I could barely eat. My mom kept asking me if I was ready to go home. I knew I wasn't, but I knew I had to. I got home and lost control. I cut my arms from my shoulders to my wrists and I cut my thighs from my hips to my knees. There was blood everywhere. I was done. I wanted help and nowhere could help me. I felt horrible. I couldn't do anything anymore. I tried to get help...

September 15th, the day I was discharged, I went right back to the original hospital because it seemed luxurious compared to the one I transferred to. We started over. Again. The doctor wanted to change my medications again, I really did want to get better but literally nothing was helping. I was listening to him and following everything he wanted me to do. I was still reacting. When I came back to the hospital he was rubbing it in my face that "This was the best facility in the state." Like seriously... That's helpful. Not.

When I started in this hospital I was given a medication, the medication paralyzed me for 24 hours and then wore off. I regained my leg movement back and I was fine. They never took note that the medication paralyzed me. The doctor and nurses said it would be listed as an allergy on my chart and would not be given to me again. On September 21st, 2021 they decided to give me a lower dose of the same medication. I have been paralyzed since that day. I have been paralyzed since one year ago today. What's even worse is the nurse who gave me the medication the second time, did NOT write that the medication was given to me. They knew it was listed as an allergy on my chart and were trying to save themselves. Which they did. I am paralyzed because of them and I get to pay the consequences for the rest of my life. I was PARALYZED and they told me it was anxiety. I was PARALYZED and they told me I was faking it. I am PARALYZED on this day and anyone who knows me, and has been around me, knows that this is NOT just anxiety and I am NOT faking it.

I don't know any 21-22 year old who would fake paralysis, seizures, vision loss, hearing loss, and MANY other symptoms. I don't know any 21-22 year old who would WANT to be bathed and helped in the bathroom by their parents. I don't know any 21-22 year old who wouldn't want freedom to drive or work or live on their own.

This facility kept me in a non ADA compliant facility for over a week and refused to help me shower and complained when I needed food or to use the bathroom. Yet the doctor said "You can leave when you walk out." He is the absolute worst doctor I have ever been surrounded by and I am not the only one who has this opinion. He is an awful human and should be fired from his job. He is the reason I am paralyzed. He is the reason I can't get the outpatient help I need because ALL of his paperwork is condescending and says that I am faking everything.

Discharge paperwork shows that I was reacting to medications each day but eventually the doctor put that he thought it was just my behavior or anxiety. Paperwork states possible cervical neuropathy but no further testing was ever done and this diagnosis was never brought to my attention. Paperwork also states that "We knew this was driven by her anxiety." And "Patient kept on getting better." Which was NOT true. I got WORSE.

The doctor also states "She was able to move her limbs and use her hands whenever she was by herself" "even on the day that she was leaving I surprised her by getting up and moving my hand forward to shake her hands and she was able to shake my hand and then she realized that she was able to move her limbs." Where did he even come up with this?? He kept telling me the whole time that I was faking it, it was all in my head, and/or was triggered by anxiety.

I will never forgive the medical staff for what they did to me. I hope someday, they find my story, and I hope they know that they failed me as a patient and they failed at their job.

I am fighting for my power back. I am fighting for my family, for my friends, for all of the people who are scared to tell their stories, and I am FINALLY fighting for myself. I have lost a lot by trying to get help and I am fighting every single day to get my life back. EVERY. SINGLE.DAY.