Dec 28, 2022
5 mins read
The pain never really goes away. After experiencing the worst pain physically and mentally the last year, I can easily tell you the mental battle is far worse than the physical.
I have a complicated story. It's really confusing and it hurts to feel like such a rarity that no-one can help. I've had mental illness before my physical story began. I've struggled with many illnesses my whole life but the mental one is the worst.
I put on this face, I constantly put on this face that people see. It's the face of the person I wish I truly was. I want to be that smiley, positive, bubbly, and motivational person. But the ugly part is, that is the mask I wear every day in public. I get up and go to 6-10 appointments a week (seriously) and each day, I put on that mask. If I can, I throw on some make-up and nice-ish clothes and slap that smile on my face and go throughout the day. I don't have a choice. My heart keeps beating and so I have to get up, load in my chair, and put on my costume. That's what you see.
What you don't see is how fast that smile disappears when I'm not in public. Sometimes I can hold my head high in the car, at home, and even in counseling. But most days I lose it as soon as my body knows to release. I usually get in the car and start balling my eyes out as soon as the last appointment is over, or I hold it in until I get home and then it all hits like a large wave that drags me into the ocean. Then there are some days I can hold it in until I get in bed and close the door. I flood my pillows and blankets with tears and just hope one day it won't be this way anymore. Some days I can't keep it together in counseling, I break down and might not say anything the rest of the session. Does it ever get better?
In those moments, I question why I exist. I question why I exist and why I am on this earth. I didn't choose to be here and apparently it's selfish of me to leave. I don't even know who I am, what I like, or what I am doing. What I do know, is that I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm fighting this never ending war with my body.
What did I do to deserve all of this? Why did a doctor get away with paralyzing me? Why did the world take my best friend away from me during the hardest time of my life?
I go to appointments all the time because I am trying to get better. I am trying to fight but I am so tired of it. I was really against medication my whole life. September 2021, I wasn't given a choice. I was told that if I didn't take the medications, they would inject me instead. The medications weren't helping me. They were making me worse, but I kept taking them because that's what I was told to do. I hated the medications and I hated myself for taking them. Now look at me. I'm paralyzed. A medication paralyzed me. What am I doing now? I am still trying new medications. I am still trying to put my faith in doctors to try and help me. I will admit that I have tried 20+ psych meds trying to find something that helps. What has helped? Nothing. I'm not saying that medications aren't for anyone, clearly I'm still trying, but from what I have experienced so far, they aren't making me any better.
My MTHFR gene changes the way I react to medications and for the most part makes me body react the complete opposite way then how it should. I am also a fast metabolizer so my body can't hold medication properly. It's so hard, I mean SO HARD, when your doctors are at a loss with what to do. I have an amazing doctor who is truly trying so hard to do what she can... But it's so discouraging when nothing helps and I don't make progress. I'm so tired of hearing "you just have to keep trying" because when will it be easier? When will I have a break? It's often when I feel like it's time to give up because I can't keep trying. It's just not worth it to live this way.
When I say I'm losing it, what does that mean? I'm crying, hyperventilating, hitting myself, pulling my hair out, drooling, seizing, rocking back and forth, questioning my existence, and fully believing I'd be better anywhere but on this earth. This is anxiety and panic attacks every single day. These attacks lead to me having seizures. This is my body "protecting" itself. I have a seizure and then sometimes snap out of it, sometimes can't speak, sometimes start crying all over again...all.the.time.
I'm so sick of feeling this pain. I want the pain to end. I've asked for help and I just feel like I'm not getting it. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. It's groundhogs day, every day. I miss being a kid when the only worries were the bullies at school. But I also miss being a fully capable and independent adult. I miss working and being able to drive. I miss being able to go in a store with my own money to spend. I miss having a large savings account and being so proud of myself. I worked so hard for what I had. My life wasn't perfect, it was far from it. But I miss those days. They seem purely easy compared to the life I was dealt with.
Does it ever get better?
Aspen Sage Baxter