Wow, I don't even know how to express how overwhelming and exhausting these last 15 months have been. I remember August 2021, feeling like I finally had a plan for my life. I felt like my life was falling into place. I just got a job that I really wanted and I was in love, talking about the future.
My world flipped upside down so fast. I'm still shocked at how fast life can change and how fast everything can just crash. The world went dark and I still don't know how I've made it to this day. I still can't believe I am about to be 23. I am about to say I survived to see another birthday that I didn't think I would see.
I've always tried to be the light in this world. I want to be the backbone for everyone and always have an ear or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be a trustworthy friend. I want to make my family and friends proud. I want to make strangers smile and truly make a difference. I want to make a change, and not just a small one.
This next year really needs to be about me finding myself. I've totally lost myself between losing myself in abusive relationships to my hospital journey and life with FND.
My life before FND was busy. It was so busy. I worked 2 jobs, ran a full-time business, and was going to school. I was also in "serious" relationships since the age of 13. I loved my jobs, I truly did. I loved staying busy and being able to afford the life I wanted. But I also knew I was overworking myself. I've struggled with mental illness for a long time and part of me knew I was staying busy to avoid dealing with the hell in my head. I was going to school because I was trying to please everyone around me, telling me that I needed to go to school to live a successful life. It's not true. If you don't want to continue education after high school, you can still be successful. I promise you that. It isn't for everyone and it isn't worth screwing yourself mentally to please the people around you. I'm not suggesting you don't go to school if that's what you want. I just want to remind you to do what makes you happy because life is short.
Who am I now?
I was singing a few days ago while listening to music and it brought me happiness. I was just thinking about the fact that I was actually singing and listening to music. If you've followed my journey, you know this is a step. I couldn't listen to music from September 2021-July 2022. It was such a trigger for me and it brought back so many flashbacks. But I was singing, I was listening to music.
Today I was at an appointment, I had to hangout for a bit and I played a song that really hit my heart, it's a song that I haven't been able to listen to without crying. But I did it. I listened to the song and I didn't cry. I listened again this evening, and I didn't cry. It's seriously the little things. The little things are big things when it comes to not only FND, but trauma in general. These little musical moments just reminded me of how much I loved music and singing.
I have an upcoming trip planned for my birthday that I am genuinely excited for. What, excited? I feel like I'm having these little positive lights that my body has needed for so long. I seriously NEED a vacation. I wasn't only thinking about the vacation, but how I want to make a difference for people who travel with mobility aids. I have been slowly growing my accessibility Instagram and it's just a wonderful opportunity for me. This world needs more people to speak up and share their stories and adventures.
I have to research SO much when it comes to planning any trips because there is so little information on accessible travel. It's super stressful especially with how many hotels we have showed up to and they don't have the accessible rooms we reserved. This is such a big deal that people aren't aware of. I'm so excited to share my vacation adventures and hopefully remind other people who use mobility aids that they can still travel.
Traveling is my therapy, or my favorite kind at the least. I am still continuing to see my personal therapist twice a week because I have so much trauma to work through. More than I want to admit. Therapy is so hard. Healing is so hard. But I want to become the best version of myself and I'm going to keep fighting until I find her.
I want to become more independent this year. I am hoping to go a week seizure free, and then a month, and then a year. I want to be doing ALL of my transfers. I want to be able to do floor to chair/ chair to floor transfers. There are so many little steps I need to take towards rebuilding my independence.
I want to truly find myself. I want to know who I am.
I can start by saying I love:
Coffee shops
Sunsets/sunrises
Sunflowers/Red Roses
Essential Oils
New Girl/ Virgin River
Jewelry
Blankets
Popcorn
Penguins
Lavender Lattes
Boba Tea
Sushi
Pumpkin/Pecan Praline Ice cream
Pink
Playing board games
Yes, this is my random beginners list of things I love. This is the beginning of me finding myself and surrounding myself with the things I love. I have so much to do and a lot to learn but this is my chance to do it.
It has been a wild ride, but here is to hoping the future gets better and the light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter.
Peace & Love,
Aspen Sage 💗✨