Apr 10, 2022
7 mins read
This has taken me a long time to write because when you are suicidal, you have no motivation to do anything.
The feeling of feeling suicidal is the worst feeling you could ever imagine. If you have never experienced it, I hope you never do.
What does it mean to be suicidal? It means that you are thinking about or planning your own death. It sounds horrible to say that, or hear someone saying they feel that way. But imagine being the person feeling like they want to end their life. It is a true and brutal feeling. It is honest. It is not attention seeking.
I don't want anyone to feel this way because I am fighting this battle and no words could change that feeling. But take a minute, think about just how dark of a space you would have to be in to want to end your life. Some people think it's crazy or selfish. But is it? Maybe it's selfish to guilt trip someone into living through their daily hell by saying "Your family will miss you. Your friends will miss you." But honestly, what friends? I don't mean to sound harsh but I believe very little in friendships. There are social media "supporters" but there is a whole different definition to a friend. Does your family really want to watch you struggle and harm yourself forever?
Obviously no-one wants to watch their love ones feel this pain or suffer from it. But when you get that low, and that deep into feeling like nothing gets better, it's not a choice. I'm tired of hearing "You have to want to get better, to get better" or "You are making the choice to stay in your depression." Depression isn't a choice. I have been busting my ASS trying to get better.
If you think that I haven't tried then I swear I wouldn't be here right now. I would have quit this hell storm a long time ago. I can't try forever. I can't fight this battle forever.
But what do you do when you have tried the things that are supposed to help you?
I have spent a month in 2 different mental health facilities. I have trauma from both and I am now paralyzed from a medication I was given in a mental health facility. I have been on so many antidepressants that have caused me to become so physically ill as well as ones that have increased the suicidal feelings. I have been in counseling for 6 months and it's torture for me to go. I genuinely hate it and feel like it's not helpful at all. I feel like my blogging is more beneficial. I try to talk to 'friends' but I truly don't even know what a friend is anymore.
I have done everything in my power to express my feelings. I express that I'm suicidal. I have expressed that I'm not okay. I have balled my eyes out and pulled my hair out in front of people. I go to my counselor and then all of the sudden it's "Okay, see you in a week." Okay, I'll go home suicidal for another week. All I'm thinking is "Okay, why did I waste an hour for nothing?" What happens if that moment hits me? That moment hits me and I'm done. In a counselors mind, they are probably like "Well that sucks" and moves on to the next patient. Social media followers would be like "oh that's sad." And then move on. This is the world we live in.
What's worse, being in a facility that traumatizes you, and makes you sick on a daily basis, but keeps you "safe?" Or being stuck at home but having to wait weeks/months for the next appointment hoping it will help with the chance that it all sets in and you just end it?
Yes, I am suicidal. Yes, I want to die. I don't want to get out of bed. I go days without showering. I don't want to see family or friends. I don't want to love on our dogs. I don't want to eat. I don't want to take medication or vitamins. I don't want to change clothes. I don't want to brush my teeth. I don't want to go to any of my appointments. I don't want to watch my favorite shows. I don't want to go to my favorite restaurants. I don't want to do anything anymore.
For over 6 months now I have thought of driving off a bridge, or jumping off a building, or overdosing on medication, or some other things I'm not going to mention.
People call suicide selfish. I hate that people think this. (How does telling a suicidal person that they are being selfish make anything better?) In my opinion, people like to think that saying someone is selfish for wanting to die because they want to guilt or blame them for the pain it may cause other people. They also might say that because they aren't willing to understand why or how someone got to such place. If you know me personally, you know I'm not a selfish person. I'm not one to do anything to hurt anyone at all. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt another person.
I think as a human, we really can't relate or empathize the pain that others are really feeling. Especially when a person is so broken, hurt, lost, and alone that they feel the best freedom they can get is by ending their life. I feel like suicide is so stigmatized and misunderstood for the reason that we can't see or tell the true feelings that people are feeling inside.
People suffer with depression everyday whether it's seasonal, bipolar, or severe depression. But that kind of depression is very little to someone who decides to end their own life. Or their type of depression gets to such a severe level that they can't take anymore.
"How can I help?" This a question people ask. But if we knew how to be helped, don't you think we would by now? I would at least. If I knew what would help then I wouldn't be depressed or suicidal.
I know people say "I'm here for you" or "Message me anytime" but those who are suicidal don't have anything in them physically to just reach out or even know what to say. Or hearing someone say "It gets better." Does it get better? Does it really get better? I wouldn't have the right words if someone told me that they wanted to die. I know it would break my heart but I KNOW that pain. I know what it's like to feel like there is nothing worth living for.
I'm so exhausted from even hearing "You aren't alone." "You have so many people who love you." "Just give it time." "Talk to people."
If I were to talk to people, they'd tell me that I need to get help. I'm aware I need help but no-one has been able to help me or direct me to the correct place for help. I've been to a mental facility, I've been on too many drugs, I see a counselor, I see way too many doctors, I sleep, I try to distract my mind, I just don't know what else to do.
I love my family. I love my dogs. I love to go on vacation and to travel. But when you are suicidal, you block out those feelings you love. You don't love the things you love anymore. It's the loneliest feeling. You really don't know how to function. I've literally went days sleeping 16 hours each day and I'm still exhausted. I still wake up with the same feelings. I still go to events and fake my way through it all. I smile and hug and stay 'positive.' It is literally so draining to fake your way through each day.
It's been a constant battle. I'm so tired of fighting it. I've talked a lot about my physical health and my struggle with FND. But my battle with my mind and my thoughts are so much worse..it's not just physical. It's not just paralysis, seizures, loss of hearing, loss of vision, chronic pain, migraines, seized hands, and the 500+ physical symptoms I experience on a daily basis. I was struggling mentally long before all of that. The physical aspects definitely haven't helped.
I'm just honestly not sure how much longer I can hold on. I'm losing it. I'm losing myself. I feel like I've already lost myself. I feel so alone.