Feb 02, 2022
3 mins read
What is peace? If you look up the definition you will see "freedom from disturbance; tranquility" and "a state or period in which there is no war, or a war has ended."
Throughout the chaos of the last 4 months, I have talked with many people who told me to find my peace/inner peace but based on the definition above that is impossible. I have fought many wars in my life but the war within myself seems pretty permanent. My psychological diagnoses are fairly new and the biggest reason they are new is because I've done my best to avoid doctors my whole life. It all makes sense after what I have experienced lately. I have recently been diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, PTSD, the list goes on... but these are really just the titles they give you. If I weren't hospitalized and seeing all of the doctors I am now, then I would still be that same person (for the most part) but that same person without the medical titles.
Anxiety is probably my biggest issue and has been my whole life. I can remember preschool and kindergarten, my parents gave me fidget jewelry to mess with when I was anxious. I remember getting sick at school from test anxiety and bullying. There was always some sort of disturbance. When I was in elementary school, I wouldn't have said I was at war with myself, but I definitely feel that way now.
I'm fighting an internal and external battle with my body. The internal one was predictable, but no one expects to fight any type of external battle, but it can happen to anyone at any time. Funny enough, I was watching The Bachelor with my mom and although it's pretty unrealistic, my mind was just racing with thoughts (per usual.) I'm 22. I'm early in my 20's but I'm missing out on these years (or just months for now.) I was comparing my age to people on the show and there are literally people on the show that are my age. These people are living it up and I'm living for the next doctor's appointment.
With FND, I have to choose between caring for my mental state or my physical. What would you choose?
I'm missing out on figuring out where my life is supposed to go because I have to focus so strongly on my mental and/or physical state. The hardest thing about FND is not knowing ANYTHING. This could be temporary, this could be permanent, I could wake up feeling and moving tomorrow or I could be like this for months, or even years. I can't seem to find peace because nothing about my life is normal. I don't know when I'm supposed to unpack and live here because this could just be a temporary home for me.
I want to get better. I want to walk but how do I put my whole life on pause waiting for that moment I can walk again? Apparently, I am supposed to find my peace to let my body know it's safe to wake back up, but the unknown is causing me to be at war even more with my body.
I'm missing out on finding my career path, and falling in love, and traveling wherever I want to because my life is just paused right now. I don't do well with this period of "pause" because I'm a "go, go, go" type of person.
So, what is peace? What is happy? What is normal?
I don't seem to have the answers.
With love always, Aspen