Ughhh depression. It's really just a never ending war in your body. It's a big part of my story.
I was hospitalized for a month due to trauma and needing help. I was insane. I was not myself. I was hurting myself. I was screaming and balling. It was the absolute worst. I won't blame it all on medication. I went in and I wasn't on medication but as soon as you get in all they want to do is drug you.
For a lot of people, you get drugged and then start feeling less depressed, less suicidal, and ready to live a normal life again but that's not what happened to me.
Every single day they ask you "Rate your depression, rate your anxiety, how'd you sleep last night, why are you here, are you suicidal?" This is literally in a group setting. When you spend a whole freaking month inpatient, you REALLY get sick of answering the same questions. But also, like who wants to answer all of those in a group setting? You listen to everyones story and people talk about how the meds are helping them and how they are steady and not getting changed anymore. There wasn't one day that I was in the hospital that I could say the doctor was leaving my meds alone. I was reacting to every. single. one.
After I got out of the hospital my outpatient physchiatrist/nurse practitioner did the GeneSight test on me and quickly found out that every single medication they were giving me in the hospital was doing the complete opposite effect on my body because that's exactly what the gene is. Why isn't this the first test that all doctors do? You'd think they'd want to know how their patients are going to react?!
The MTHFR gene/mutation causes problems with detoxing properly and also hormone balance and immune system function. They kept pumping me full of drugs and sometimes day after day of new meds.. so a very large part of me thinks the medication reactions caused my FND.
The medicine that was given to me last that caused me to get my FND diagnosis was given to me twice. (Even my General Practitioner said that it's rare but still possible.) YES. It is possible. It is possible to have medication reactions. Although the medical system will never admit that. But I was given loads of other medications that made me throw up, gave me extreme vertigo, made my whole body feel so heavy full of sand, and so many other symptoms. They thought I was just faking it and being dramatic. The doctor kept saying "In my 20 years of practice I have never had a patient respond to medication the way you do." He didn't care that I was reacting. He just wanted to keep finding a new medication. At the same time.. I highly doubt he has NEVER had a patient react to medication.
I've been so anti medication my whole life. It genuinely scares me. But I was and still am so messed up in the head that I can't look at a bottle of pills without over thinking. Why am I so unstable that I can't just take my daily medication and not think about taking extra? I hate medicine. I hate it so much. Yet I'm so messed up in the head that I think take none or take them all. I am a big believer in medicine is just bringing you one day closer to your death.. doctors don't want a cure. They want money. They are there to give you a medication that is going to cause more problems that need medicated. It's a whole cycle. This health system has made my life a wreck. I've never really trusted doctors but now I have no trust in them.
Like if you have any real, genuine conversation with me, I will tell you I need help. I will tell you I want help. I want to be helped through this. Mentally and physically. But I hate that I have the mindset that no-one can help me. That's just been my experience this whole time. If I weren't disabled, I still don't think I'd go in for mental help because you DO NOT get mental help. Especially here in Oklahoma. It's really sad when the mental health techs say "Yeah, Oklahoma is one of the worst states for Mental Health Care." I have genuinely tried. I still go to every single doctors appointment, every counseling session, every single thing I have to go to. I hate it all.. but I'm really hoping that someday, somewhere, I will get the help I need.
I hate this for anyone who experiences it. Mentally or physically.
With love always, Aspen Sage